How to be Good Friends with an Infertile

I have quite a few ‘normal’ friends (i.e. not infertile) who read this blog. (I am so far out the closet it is frightening, even my brother and ex flirts read this blog). Imagine how confusing most of the lingo must be for them. Anyhow. Back to the point of this post. One of those friends said to me “I wish you would write about how to be a good friend to an infertile person”. Which is really sweet of her and shows she has already passed one of the requirements. So I started thinking about writing a post on this and realized what a hard task this is. How do you become a Good Friend to an Infertile?

Firstly, I have to say that this being a Good Friend to an Infertile is not an easy job at all. It is a job with fluid parameters, a thankless job sometimes and one where it might appear that no matter how hard you try, you never seem to get it right. There are times when you will be extremely busy and the job is very demanding. There are other times where you will benched, forced to sit on the outside looking in. There is not often any logic in this change of demand. Be aware of the volatility of work pressure when applying for this job. It is not a decision to be taken lightly.

Secondly, there is not a universal job description, and worst of all, your job duties will change over time. There is not a universal job description because Infertiles come in different flavors. True, one can categorize these flavors to some extent, but variations will always exist. Your eternal optimist / newbie / completely uninvolved infertile doesn’t need too much in the way of special friendship; they believe the problem is temporary and will get resolved soon. They don’t feel broken, different or an outcast. Your longer term / highly involved infertile is a very tricky beast, and is one to be handled with great caution and protective gloves (for you, not her). This person feels alienated from society and carries great pain and angst in their souls. They might not show it all the time, but there is a very sensitive, raw spot in their souls that is easily bruised. Then you get the older timers, who’ve been doing this so long it just becomes part of who they are. These infertiles have gone through the great angst and intense pain of the ‘dark years’ and have come out realizing that while infertility is shit, it is not all consuming. And instead of crying, they laugh. Because infertility is actually a comedy of errors, sometimes.

Infertiles tend to move through these stages at different pace. Which makes it very hard being a Good Friend to an Infertile, because the type of friendship involved is so different at each stage. It is very very hard being a Good Friend to someone stuck in the dark stage of infertility. It is a very painful place for an infertile to be. There is no hope, just a great deep dark sense of despair. You feel totally alienated from the rest of the world and you are consumed by your situation. Every thing hurts, and every thing has the power to hurt you. Your world shrinks to the world of infertility and you fight tooth and nail to protect the fragile hold you have on sanity. The best advice I can give to a Good Friend at this stage is to offer friendship and support, from a distance. Say things like “I am here for you if you want to talk, or not talk, or drink, or swear, or shop. But if you don’t want to that’s perfectly ok. I’ll be here waiting for you when YOU are ready to come out the cave”. If you can bare it, hang in there, your friendship should return to some semblance of its previous form once your Infertile has worked her way through her dark despair. It has nothing to do with you or you ability to friend, it has every thing to do with her coping with the horrible reality of her situation.

Being a Good Friend to the eternal optimist or the good-humored veteran is a lot easier, with these few survival tips.

1. Good Friends never judge. Remember that unless you’ve walked in the person’s shoes, you can’t say “well I would never….do IVF/terminate a pg/spend so much money on ART etc” To be honest, who likes judgmental people any way.
2. Good Friends will educate themselves about what their Infertile is going through. HUGE proviso: see point 3 before putting any thing into action. Read up about infertility so that you get a high-level understanding of the intricacies involved. Know little things like eggs are retrieved, then fertilized and they become embryos. Then the embryos are put back. Just small things so that when your infertile does share some of her world with you, you will understand. I think this shows commitment to the friendship.
3. However. Do not willy nilly offer advice, or hot off the press latest research about a fantastic new procedure that is sure to work. Remember the stuff they write about in your local woman’s magazine is stuff that your Infertile did in Infertility 101. Been there, failed that. ICSI is not a new procedure, I promise. And yes, we have heard of taking cough syrup to increase cervical mucous. Oh, and for my Aunt, yes I have heard of lying with my legs in the air after having sex. Unfortunately, I have PCO and don’t ovulate so I could be lying with my legs in the air doing bicycle movements till the cows come home and all the sperm are going to do is mill around confused asking where the fuck the egg is, bemoaning the fact that this has been a useless trip out and they might as well have had a wank. Which goes back to Point 2. Educate yourself about your friend’s diagnosis so that you can avoid offering pointless advice. And please, what ever you do, never, ever be so stupid as to say “just relax”. Would you say to a cancer patient “just relax”? Would you say to someone who can’t see “just relax”? Of course you wouldn’t. Plus you have to know that “just relaxing” will not change the medical diagnosis that is causing your friends infertility. Because of course you’ve done enough reading to carry on an intelligent conversation, if your Infertile decides to engage you in one.
4. Platitudes. Never ever offer platitudes. This is a totally selfish act any way because all platitudes do is make you feel better and the Infertile feel worse. Saying “maybe you are not meant to have children” is an incredibly stupid thing to say. You wouldn’t say to a diabetic “maybe you weren’t meant to have insulin etc”. Infertility is a medical condition. Not some factor in the universe’s bigger plan for the Infertile. Similar to “its God will”. How the fuck do you know? You have a direct connection or what? How about “are you sure you want kids?” lovingly looking at your own screaming kids. No dear, I am spending thousands and enduring physical, emotional and mental anguish just because I am obscenely stupid. Or “you can have mine”. Now that’s an incredibly stupid thing to say. What kind of mother are you to give her kids away? Oh you were only joking? What was the funny part? That I don’t have my own kids? Sorry, but I am not getting the joke? Call me stupid. In addition, please don’t tell me about your friend/cousin/co-worker who got pg naturally after 8 years of trying. It doesn’t make me feel better, it depresses me. Good for her. It’s got nothing to do with my situation.
5. The tricky one. Announcing pregnancies / baby showers / births and other kid things. The best advice I can give here is trust the Infertile to know what she can or can’t handle. Don’t hide things from her, but respect it when she says to you “I don’t think I am going to be able to handle that”. Your Infertile knows when her good days and bad days are, and what she can or can’t handle. But do invite her, give her the choice of saying no. And then respect her to know that sometimes she needs to protect her own fragile soul more than she needs to fulfill social obligations.
6. The level of involvement. Infertiles differ in the level of involvement they engage their Good Friends in. Some, like me, are pretty open about the whole thing. Every Friend and their Mother knows when I am going in for ER, ET or whatever. Other people prefer to keep their infertility private. Find out what your Infertile prefers and operate at the level she feels comfortable with.
7. Which brings to me to my final point. If you don’t know how to act, ask. I love that my friends ask me how I want them to act around me. They also know that if they ask the question “how is it going with your treatment” I will either tell them or I will say “irritating, I don’t want to talk about it now”. They totally respect that and don’t push. I have great friends.

There have been many articles written on the web about what to say and not to say to an Infertile, how the family should act etc. I wont go into those. If you are a Good Friend you will have done a little surfing and read those things anyway. Besides, this post is already way too long.

To end off, if you decide to accept the job of Good Friend to an Infertile, I applaud you. Because it is not an easy job. It really isn’t. As I have said, it’s a pretty thankless job and one in which your job description is so fluid that what is required today is wrong tomorrow. I thank those of my Good Friends who have stuck around so long with me. I know it hasn’t been easy. I appreciate your friendship, I really do.

Comments

[Julie]

*thundering applause*

Because I am evil, here is my favorite part:

"Or “you can have mine”. Now that’s an incredibly stupid thing to say. What kind of mother are you to give her kids away? Oh, you were only joking? What was the funny part? That I don’t have my own kids? Sorry, but I am not getting the joke."

Yeah, that's a laff riot, that one.

[Karen]

Oooh, Tertia, that was completely and utterly perfect. Now I know what it's like to be friends with me!!! I need to print this one out and give it away as gifts, although I doubt any of my "friends" would read it right now. Thank you. You rock.

[Marisa]

Tertia,
I wish I had had this for my 7 cycles to hand out to my friends as they didn't know how to act around me and mainly quite a few are now no longer friends.
Cheering you on for that take home baby this time.

[Danae]

Bravo, Tertia! So well put.

My personal experience, though, has been that those friends of mine who choose to be "Good Friends to the Infertile" already do many of these things on their own. And, the friends who could really use a little infertility etiquette would be outraged if it were offered to them.

So if someone asks how to be a good friend, give 'em a big slurpy appreciation kiss. In my opinion, they need no further coaching.

[Julia]

Excellent, excellent advice. Basically, ditto to Julie.

[JulieB]

Tertia:
What a fabulous post.
Thank you! Thank you!

[sherry]

What great information. I'm firing up the printer and laminator as we speak.

Infertile advice for ALL my friends!!

[Rich]

Let me start by saying I am new to all of this. Please forgive my ignorance at times and what may seem like indifference to your situation. You don't know me and why I say I understand more than you think.
I have a friend who is infertile. If she sees this then fine. It is not being done to prove anything to her or the world. She's a good person with a good heart. A little high-strung, a little too emotional about all things in life and to me a bit angry. For all she has been through (and the "she" in that sentence could be any of you) it is fairly understandable. The rest of the world doesn't know 1/100 of your pain but from Jen I often feel her anger. It bothers me but I deal with it, listen when she calls crying having a bad baby night and do my best to make her laugh.
You are right in what you say about being a friend. It does change and I find myself figuring different ways to deal with which Jen is showing up today or calling on the phone.
I do however take offense to your fourth point. People don't neccesarily like to see friends in pain. However untimely or out of place the comment is, it is generally the only way we know how to deal. You need to understand that we don't always understand you. We don't always have an answer to a question or a response to a situation so please lose the anger. We are trying as hard as we can to figure this out. Understand we don't understand but that we are still here and sometimes, like you, we have our bad days and good days. I know that what you wrote is only a guideline but there was much anger in it so "just relax" (that is only a joke so don't fill my mailbox with hate mail PLEASE!)
What you don't know about me is that in a sense I am like you, trying to have a child after my exwife aborted mine and not being able to. I know it is easier for me but it isn't. There are no means for me to get a donor woman and I have to search for someone suitable. I have often thought of giving it the "Oops, the condom broke" or "sorry it slipped" but that isn't fair to her. So I am left with the same feelings as you on birthdays, holidays, family gatherings. I feel that pain. I go home to an empty house every night and find ways to stave off my own suffering. But one thing I would never do is take my anger or pain out on somebody else, friend or not, because it is mine to bear.
So please, I am asking as I do with Jen, give me time and understanding. I'll fight with you if you like, I'll curse at you and cry with you or go to every extreme to pick you up when you're down. But I cannot completely feel your pain and can never fully understand your views and for that I am sorry if I make an off-handed comment that strikes a sensitive nerve. Just know I care. And am still here when you finish screaming at me.

[Jen-Earthchild]

You are forever in my heart for this Rich. Thank you. You are a wonderful friend to an infertile. I may not tell often but you are.

You are taking the wounded woman inside of me, drawing her out, and pushing her to heal. There are few people who have the power to make me realize that I am not superwoman and I don't have to be strong all the time. When I get that thru my very thick skull and I let the weakness show, you are right there to catch me as I fall.

For you my friend....there is gratitude and emotion that I won't ever be able to fully express.

[jack]

Very good blog. Thanks.

[sara]

Great summary! This is just such exciting stuff. There are so many reasons for nonprofits to blog that it's hard to boil them down to a few, but you've done a great job. The key to all of them -- the nugget of information I think all nonprofits should take away from your post -- is that a blog is about connecting very intimately with the unique audience you're trying to reach. It's so much more than a traditional website, which functions largely as a "billboard" for information. A blog is a place where you can create a community that centers on exactly the issues you want to discuss, with the people you want to have a discussion with. It's like throwing a big dinner party where all the people are interested in exactly the same conversation as you!

[isabel]

My favourite is my mom's comment: you'll always have your neices. Um, except I won't. They're my sister's kids. Thanks, though.

[Christina]

Teria, I'm new to the blogging world and a friend introduced me to your blog..... and I love it! I love your writing style and how brutally honest you are - it really makes me feel as if I am experiencing things with you! I look forward to reading each new post.
I love this 'guide' - you should make a mini version on a laminated card to hand out to people when the opportunity presents itself!

[Colleen]

I only wish that I had this guideline to hand to my "so-called" friends when I was in my dark time. Thanks for a lovely read. Keep it up.

[Denise]

Thanks for the advice, it is very well written.
I also think it can be related to other situations were a friend is dealing with any struggle. I personally hate platitudes with any situation where someone is sad/frustrated/angry/etc.
Also offering advice to someone who is going through something you have NEVER gone through or at the least haven't gone through in a while is just inconsiderate sometimes. I can't imagine how frustrating it is to tell someone you have had a procedure done and it didn't work. They may not realize they are the 20th person to tell you they read that article and won't understand why you might be short with them.
Knowing someone who went through it isn't the same. I could have a friend who went through infertility....but that doesn't mean I know what the next person is going through. Everyone is different....of course you pointed that all out. I honestly have been wondering this for a while, because I don't know what it feels like and I would like to be a good friend when the time comes. Thank You:-)
Very well done!

[owlhaven]

Thanks for this

Mary

[emih]

Just came across this, from a search engine. It speaks to me as a close relative to an infertile person, to a degree, but does not cover my own major problem. Maybe you could give some advice.

This problem is essentially the opposite of the issues having to do with persons who have many children/are pregnant relating to the infertile.

In my situation, I am a person who has no children, and does not WANT to have any.

The relative in question has known this for a long time, but when the issues with infertility arose has become increasingly hostile to me, despite my best efforts towards non-invasive support and acceptance. I really don't know how to handle the situation, as it fels as though the nicer and ncer and more and more supportive I try to be, the more venom is directed at me. While, as someone who has gone through some very bad times myself, I understand and empathise with the pain, and really do care, I am beginning to have had it with being an emotional whipping boy. I have never been emtionally stable, and this is wearing me down. I could realyl use some advice....

[Fran]

One piece of advice I can give people who consider themselves good friends of infertiles is not to come back from your annual gynae check up and tell them how he says you are so fertile that if you meet a man you should immediately start contraception. No jokes my "best friend" did this to me during my dark days!

Thanks for the great blog, it's good to know we are not the only couple in this situation.

[Dale]

Your comments hit the nail right on the head, and I am also looking on it in a males point of veiw. Infertile guys also have the same feelings as you, though is so much harder to tell "friends" about my situation as men seem to think its the biggest joke on earth, or is that just from an infertile's point of veiw?

[Dianne]

Thank you for this post. It says so much beautifully --- things that I have been struggling with. THANK YOU! I'll be reading, and I hope you don't mind.

[amy]

Thank you. I'm sending this to my good friend tonight.
Lets not forget the friend who says, "my husband says he can donate sperm if you want." I have a husband. Unbelievable.

[jbeeky]

Thank you for writing this. Being an infertile for a few years, I have heard it all. Most recently, from my 42 year old sister-
"Really, I'd have another kid next month but we just don't have enough room!"
Soooooooo, all I need is a good carpenter?

[Rosebud]

This is an email I sent to my family and friends:--->

Tertia Loebenberg, with her blog, *"So Close"* has been like finding a therapist, masseuse, friend, mother, mentor and peer.

I have been, what she would call, "in my cave" for a few days now. I have finally started to grieve, and mourn the loss of the easy path that I have always taken for granted. As she would put it /"some people just have sex and have babies - who would ever have known"./

It's like being socked in the belly realising that the chance of a biological child is well nigh over. I have grieved deeply these last few days, and tried to explain what it's like to those few who have managed to get through my self-imposed isolation, my cave.

Perhaps what has struck my most, when I can think about anything other than my own feelings, is just how WELL everyone seems to know how to react to me.

I can't thank you enough for trying to reach me, for knowing what to say (as much as that is possible) and for not judging me nor telling me what to do. Just for letting me know that you are there. That reminder is imperative.

The most important thing is that my beloved can reach me, however far I try to slip away. He can even entice me to enjoy doing things with him. Normal things. Like a walk, time in a bookshop choosing gifts from a wedding gift voucher. Watching Dave Chapell's Block Party all over again. Talking about now, about the future.

Tertia says that being a friend to what she calls "an infertile" is tough (still don't like that term, preferring /IVF-toolong/ [*I* *V*aited *F*or Too Long]). It is.

Til now I have been an easy person to be a friendly with. I think. But I don't feel as easy right now (this too will pass).

She ends *How to be Good Friends with an Infertile* with what I want to say. Read her ending copied below, and if you have the time, read her article. It's excellent.

*TERTIA in *: /"To end off, if you decide to accept the job of Good Friend to an Infertile, I applaud you. Because it is not an easy job. It really isn’t. As I have said, it’s a pretty thankless job and one in which your job description is so fluid that what is required today is wrong tomorrow. I thank those of my Good Friends who have stuck around so long with me. I know it hasn’t been easy. I appreciate your friendship, I really do."/

[Belinda]

There is one more piece of valuable advice that I would have added to this post. That is, do not believe that it is okay to tell the infertile person that you know so-and-so and she had 10 miscarriages but eventually had a baby. That is NOT going to make the infertile person better or more hopeful about her own situation.

[Alicia]

I love this. My pg friend told me she was having trouble relating to me and I sent her to this post and it helped!