You know what’s weird, is that people seem to think that being pregnant makes you suddenly part of the ‘normal’ world. By this I mean that once you get pregnant, they seem to think your past is erased, and you are the same as any other normal pg person. I think I understand this. They are so happy that you are now ‘over’ or ‘cured’ from your infertility, that you are now happy and normal, that they want you to move on from the pain of the past and be, well, normal. So I understand that it is coming from a good, loving place.
But. I feel I have to remind people of a few cold, hard facts.
Firstly, being pg does not = having a baby. Sure it should. And for most ‘normal’ people, it does. Unfortunately for some, for me, it doesn’t. It’s the fourth time I’ve been pg and still no baby. So the anxiety, fear, paranoia etc doesn’t stop when you get pg. It actually gets worse after a positive test. Suddenly the stakes are even higher. Maybe it lessens after the baby is born. But for me, I can’t simply be a happy and normal pg person, I would love to be, but once (three times) bitten!
Secondly, getting pg does not automatically erase the past. Sure, we shouldn’t live in the past and dwell on the bad things, but this pg was the result of many many years trying, of many tears, pain, emotions, losses, money spent. There are deep scars that don’t just go away when you get pg. I know that people so badly want you to be happy that they are almost too scared to speak about your past, to acknowledge it. But I can never gloss over it. I lived in that hell for four years, it has made me who I am today, like it or not.
In summary, getting pg does not ‘cure’ infertility. As a matter of fact I am still infertile, I am just pg. Enormously grateful to be pg, deeply thankful, but I am still infertile. What made me have a child was not making love (or shagging) my husband, but rather 6 fresh IVF’s, 3 frozen, 3 IUI’s, and 7 babies lost. So I am not cured. I am just very damn lucky to have managed to get pregnant this time. Please God it lasts.
I still find pg announcements hard to handle. It hasn’t gotten any easier. It still stings. I still find it hard to go to baby showers. I had a friend call me the other day to announce her pg. She is 23w. She didn’t want to tell me until I was “over the danger period”. You know what, it hurt. I am happy for her. She has waited for a long time. But it still hurt. I didn’t have the heart to tell her that I am never over the danger period.
I don’t know what I am trying to say. Just that getting pg does not erase the past, it does not make me suddenly ‘normal’, and lastly, it unfortunately does not automatically mean a baby at the end. Of course I would rather be pg than not pg, I am not being ungrateful, just trying to say that is difficult for me to be ‘normal’. Hell, we all know I am not normal. You should the reaction I get when people ask me how the babies are. My stock answer is “hopefully still alive”. They get upset with me. But seriously, I do hope they are still alive. What else am I supposed to say?
I am happy (grateful, thankful, humbled) to be pg, I am just not obliviously happy. I hope this does not come across as ungrateful, or moaning about being pg. Please shoot me if I am ever that insensitive to ever suggest that I am not 100% on-my-knees grateful for this opportunity. Because I am. I’ll take this pregnancy in whatever flavor it is dished up to me, good, bad, anxious or ugly; hemorrhoids, puking, nosebleeds or circus-like weight gain, I’ll take whatever I can get. . I just can’t forget the past.