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Makes complete sense.

Ben wasn't born that long ago. What you're processing is fresh stuff. I don't think anyone in the world should expect you to be beyond your past. It's unrealistic. Lord knows, I'm still pissed about that C in poetry class, and I'll admit, it doesn't fucking matter. Ben does. Your current scenario does. You're taking all of this beautifully.

Yup. Makes perfect sense. I'll rejoice almost as much as you when you have two healthy babies at the end of this. Until then, we'll be waiting and praying, and trying not to let the anxiety get the better of us.

Yep, absolutely, Tertia.

I think "hopefully still alive" is the perfect answer. Its what you're thinking, its the truth.

A friend told me today "you realise you aren't ever allowed to complain when (*if*) you have kids, we'll all just remind you that you wanted this"

I suppose other people never will get it, not ever.

It SO makes sense. I think it's hard not to feel this way if you've suffered from infertility or the loss of a pregnancy, and you've had both of these things happen and then some. For me, I think what I miss most is that ignorant bliss that everyone else can have about getting or staying pregnant and feeling so confident that things will work out. We've had that taken from us, and it really sucks.

I'm so, so glad to hear that things went well for you with your nuchal scan and that the babies are looking good.

Tertia, someone recently sent me a post about this very topic, about how EVEN having a baby does not cure infertility in some.

I think the blog is password protected, but if you'd like to read the post let me know and I will email it to you. It is interesting and insightful.

PS - You are making perfect sense!

completely. You and your baby are in my prayers.

I have scar tissue from surgery that gets in the way of conceiving (we think). In fact when I delivered my son via c-section, the OB discovered that one of my tubes is useless. I have a 17-month old and I am still infertile. When Deanna from For Better or For Worse (a comic strip, so this is not a real person) found out she was pregnant for the second time, I turned green immediately.

Love that the nuchal scans went well!

bec :D

Yeah, I know what you mean, I think. I've never been pregnant, but I know that if by some miracle this IVF works and I am pregnant, I will never ever forget my IF. And I will walk around daily, terrified of losing the baby, until that baby is in my arms. And even then--I'll probably be the most overprotective mother to walk the planet.

I bet I'll be that way whether I adopt or give birth. But I understand what you are saying.


Nothing will ever cause us to forget where we've been. And one baby doesn't replace another. I'm like you: when people ask if this is my first, I smile and say, "Nope, fourth. The first three didn't live."

It causes a lot of pained looks and, well, running away, but it's true. I feel like I have to acknowledge what I've been through. I'm not going to be the smililng, perky pregnant chick they expect simply for their comfort.

That being said, there is some level of healing to be found... but pregnancy isn't the instant cure-all fertiles think it is.

...perfect sense.

My Mother was shocked the other day when I told her that even if I do get a positive preg test after this IUI, I won't feel safe until the baby is in my arms. She understands now, but people who haven't endured IF don't realize two pink lines does not a baby make.

you ARE "normal" in this world.

I think infertility shifts and dements the world we exist in. there's no way to undo what has been, and it's absurd to believe that the past will magically disappear.

Makes perfect sense T.

Someone dear to me once said, "You know andreah, if you hadn't have lost your first pregancy you wouldn't have had this one. Be grateful"

Oh yes, I am grateful my first pregancy was a loss, It's fun to experience miscarriages. How do you tell them that it hurts and their full of shit??

I have been lurking for a while and I just felt I had to comment. After 6 years of infertility and several miscarriages followed by a miracle son and 6 more years of secondary infertility, I am now 29 wks pg. My friends and family who are aware of my journey get upset when I say "If everything goes okay..." or "we'll see if this one makes it..."
They seem to think that because I am finally pregnant, I am supposed to magically forget the pain of the last six(twelve) years. They all get pg at the drop of a hat by the way, so they couldn't possibly know that I will never again be "innocent" when it comes to procreation, I know what can go wrong and there is no "out of the woods" for me. So yes, it makes sense to me.

I am actually shocked that so many people think that you will be *normal* after all that has happened. I lost a child 9 years at 25 weeks gestation (9 YEARS AGO) and when I am pregnant, I still look for the blood every time I go to the bathroom. I am not infertile. I do not have trouble conceiving, but just having suffered one loss like that and I am not comfortable until the baby is in my arms. I can't imagine what it would be like for you.

I don't think there is any need for you to justify the way you feel about it and it is ignorant of others to think that everything is hunky dory now that you are pg. Of course you will worry. I will be praying for you and those lovely little ones.

Tersh - you have managed once again to express the reality of how other people really don't understand and what the last few years have brought for both you and me (and unlucky others) - but I applaud you even louder for having the strength to keep on going where I feel I have buckled somewhat under the previous pain. I admire you more and more buddy.

Lots of love

Yes, we all know you are not normal.

BUT in this case, you are absolutely normal. Makes perfect sense to me. We'll hold you up when you can't do it yourself. Because we love you.

Makes sense to me.

"you realise you aren't ever allowed to complain when (*if*) you have kids, we'll all just remind you that you wanted this"

I want one person to try and say this to me, just one.

Yes, it makes perfect sense. You are right, it is a part of who you are. And that never goes away.


I couldn't agree with this post any more! In fact, I wrote on sortof similar a while back.
I too am pregnant after secondary infertility. The funny thing is, even though I'm pregnant, I still feel infertile! I AM still infertile! I'm not that chipper rub in everyone's face, 'i'm pregnant!'
I still am not positive that I WILL have a 2nd child! I wish I could be sure! I wish I could be like my friends and POAS and the next day start the nursery! (OK...maybe I don't!)
Bravo on this post!

Miscarriage Feb. 1986. Niece on dh's side born exact month baby would have been arriving. Niece graduates from high school, I'm sitting there with my two adorable adopted kids, and the pain is still there. Niece excitedly preparing for college. Wishing dh and I were bitching about college fees, buying textbooks, and packing up for the trip to the dorm..

I understand. Completely. Four pregnancies. No living baby. Delivered my son at 5 months.
Of course what you feel is TOTALLY normal!!!!!
Anyone should know that!!!
If I ever get pregnant again (via my GS) and stay that way I will be a nervous, neuroitc wreck till a health, living baby is in my arms!

Totally makes sense. I told someone recently that I feel like my fears and anxietiesfrom before this pg have been put in a nuclear reactor and have come out in unmanageable proportions. I have never been so scared or neurotic in my life.
Of course that doesn't really say much to them since they really didn't understand my fears before I got a positive test. My thoughts and prayers are with you for live babies on your next scan.

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