Thoughts on blogging.

As mentioned previously, I am pretty much out of the closet on every thing. I have very few secrets. Or perhaps you could say a really big mouth. This has its advantages. However it also has its disadvantages.

I belong to an email list serve for people doing egg donation. I joined about two years ago, maybe longer, which is when I started thinking about doing donor eggs. I love the women on that list, they are so awesome, so strong, so brave. And so inspiring. If any of you are considering DE, you should join the list. Its called MVED (Mothers Via Egg Donation). I’ll send you the link if you are interested. One of the topics that comes up regularly is around disclosure, whether you should tell or not tell (friends, family, your child etc). And they have a saying there, which is so true and can be used in all situations: “you can always tell, but you can never untell”.

After that long-winded ‘setting of the scene’, my point of today’s post is around who you tell about your blog. The thing I love about blogging is that it is open and freely available (unless you password protect your blog), and hopefully it can help someone who is just starting out, or someone who is looking for information. If my story can help even one person, it makes it just a little more worthwhile.

BUT….the more people you tell about your blog, the less open you can be. Because I have told so many people, I can’t have a good old bitch about my sister, or my in laws, or even my husband. Which is half the fun. Having a moan about your husband is terribly therapeutic.

I’ve told my husband about my blog but I haven’t given him the URL. I wonder if he reads it? I should ask him I suppose. But even if he says no, how will I know? I can’t talk about all the gorgeous guys at work who after my bod. (ok, there aren’t any, but if there were…)

Apparently a few of the patients at my clinic know about my blog, girls I don’t know. Which means my Dr could also read my blog. In which case he will know I think he is cute. Which is kind of embarrassing, even though I have apparently told him twice whilst under sedation.

And it is not as if my blog is difficult to find. Just google Tertia and infertility or blog and you find this site right near the top. It is not like I have a common name, like Julie. (ha hahahahhaaaaa).

Which brings me back to the start of this post. There is certainly something to be said for being anonymous, like Grrl.

For those who blog, how many of your ‘real life’ friends and family read your blog? Do your husbands?

And for those of you who don't know how to pronounce my name its pronounced TUR-sha or GORG-gee-ous.

Comments

[Jen]

I originally set up my blog to keep my family informed when I moved with my new husband to Nigeria. There are days that I really want to vent but my whole family now has the url. It is to the point now where I feel like I can't even mention a bad day.

I have considered starting a second, private blog but am terrified they would find it.

I've been reading blogs for years now and would love to have many dedicated readers but don't feel that I can be interesting to anyone outside of my family since I cannot truly express myself.

Sucketh.

[Mollie]

When I was setting up my site on TypePad, I tried to use Grrl's anonymity template and failed miserably. I put in links to things that contained my whole damned name, first AND last. Then I tried to appease my privacy-loving husband by never mentioning him by name in my entries, but I've since given that up.

Who knows about my blog? Who knows. But I don't ever rant about my family because like you, just type in "Mollie" and "Canada" and I'm right there. And I do want people who are thinking of leaving the U.S. for the reasons I did to find me, or someone who is adopting, or thinking of it, or pregnant after miscarriage, or whatever.

I blog to be less alone. But I find myself censoring a lot and it bothers me. I want the freedom to be writing about EVERYTHING and I mean all of it. But I don't dare. Oh well.

[Christina]

Some friends and my sister-in-law know that I blog, but they either don't have the URL or they don't have internet access. My husband has known about my blog from the very beginning and I knew the moment he found my blog--he googled our pet's names. Oh, how I hope my mom doesn't google my pet's names... hee hee

[DeAnn]

Pretty much everyone in my life knows about my blog but I don't talk about it at work, nor do I talk about work on my blog. Those are two worlds I'd rather not have collide. Although I wouldn't hide my blog from work. It just isn't something I've talked about there.

That all said, I think anonymity is good in many ways, but I also like when people are very open and share everything, including who they are. I don't judge those who are open or those who are not. It's a personal choice.

I don't use my blog as a space to vent about specific people because I know that so many peopple in my life read it. But I also just wouldn't really want to do that. I vent in real life to real life people a lot, and that is enough for me.

I try to be VERY open on my blog, but only about things that I feel comfortable sharing with the entire world. Those things are many, but there are a few things I'd rather only share with certain people.

Wow, do I ramble or what? This is why my blog's such a hit! (That's sarcasm, in case you can't tell).

I just KNEW that's how you pronounced your name: GORG-ee-ous! That's what I've been calling you in my head anyway.

[Sanorah]

I haven't been blogging long but the only person I know in real life that reads my blog is my sister. A good guy friend knows about it and even knows the name but I don’t know if he reads or not.

[Dawn]

I have no anonymity on my blog whatsoever, a move I am starting to regret. Two friends of mine, who live in other states, know about my blog. But one friend who I see all the time does too - I shared it with him one day. Wouldn't you know he and I were out to dinner with two other friends and he blurts out of nowhere "Dawn blogs, you know!" I am not so sure I want all of my friends to know about this blog o' mine.

I am considering starting over from scratch with an un-google-able user name that cannot be connected to my real name.

But at the same time there is a certain freshness about being completely and totally honest. If someone were to come across my blog and read a post where I bitch about them, well tough! Chances are, they deserved whatever I was blasting them about, and I really don't think I need to justify anything I say or do these days. Suffering from infertility, in my opinion, has given me only one positive thing - a free pass to say and do pretty much whatever I feel, at any given time. I am not going to start censoring myself now.

[Kristi]

Having only started my blog on Tuesday, I've only told one person of it's existence...a friend I made while wasting time on a telnet talker in college.
I don't know when, or if, I'll tell my husband about it. I don't think I'll outright tell my family.
As for anonymity, I've tried that with everything I do, but I totally suck at it. I ALWAYS put my real name on things--I think I'm just one of those people who loves having attention and can't handle it when people don't know it's me who did something (I used to try to give people anonymous gifts to make them feel better...and then when someone else would talk about it, I'd be all "yeah, I thought she would like it") I love the way Grrl has done it, but it's not for me.

[Heidi]

I just started a blog last week, and I've been wondering these questions myself. I have told my husband about it, but asked him not to read, and I do know that he will respect that. I've decided not to tell anyone else about it, but if they stumble across it, that will be OK too. I won't write anything too incriminating.

The truth is, I'm a terrible blabber-mouth, I know, despite all my firm resolve right now, I will spill it eventually. The question is...how long will I last? (How's that for setting oneself up for failure.) In the meantime, I'm enjoying this free space to post all my feelings as they come. It will also be a nice record of my journey through adoption.

ps...I've been reading your blog for a couple months now, but this is my first comment. I love, LOVE your writing and your thinking. Your posts about God a couple weeks back had me in tears. Thank you for that. I'll continue to cross my fingers and pray for you. So far, so good, I'm happy to read.

Take care!

[Amanda]

I actually have two blogs. The first one that I started, is my general infertility one. It's the one that I always link to when on other infertility blogs, such as this one. The only person in "real life" that reads this blog is my husband, as far as I know. I bitch and moan plenty on my blog, and if anyone else were to run across it they'd just have to deal with it.

The other blog that I just started recently is specifically for my family. It's to keep them updated on the whole IVF mess.

I'm open and honest on both blogs, but in totally different ways. I just don't complain about my mother-in-law or cuss or provide the gory details on my family blog.

So far this system has worked well. I'm able to get everything out and vent away on my 1st blog and also able to give my family info (without actually having to talk to them all) and give them a place to support us without them knowing EVERYTHING. Who knows, I may regret starting this second blog, but it's working for now.

[JJ]

I'm a multiple blogger. I don't use real names on my main blog, and no-one in my family and only a few RL friends know about it. My husband doesn't know the URL and I assume he doesn't read it, and I have a code in the header to make it ungoogleable (unless you type in jellybelly). I have another blog just for my family, and that's purely an information exchange. I've started another blog to update friends and family on the baby making situation as well, just to keep them posted. Only a few people have that so far. I rant about my family far too often to only have one blog. Oh -- and I password protect anything nasty about my husband's family. I don't feel comfortable taking the same liberties with his family as I do my own.

[Julia]

My mom reads my blog regularly. But she's cool (as the hip teenagers say). Otherwise, people know I have one, but they've never mentioned reading it.

Hey, don't you have a scan to report about?

[summerbreeze]

I have one real life friend who reads my blog. But I'm always scared people I don't want to read it will find it so I try to behave myself when it comes to bitching about people. And since I am a teacher I never, ever mention work.

[Moxie]

That's why I'm anonymous. But I'm still worried that my in-laws will find me. My husband has a blog about our son to keep our families updated, and for a brief while he had my site on his links page. So I'm petrified that my MIL followed the link, figured out it was me, and now has me bookmarked and is really reading my blog, too. My nephew also has a genetic disorder that is very google-able, so I don't want to give myself away by talking about it. That's a conflict for me, because the disorder is very common but very unknown, and it's not commonly tested for during pregnancy but should be. I'd like to be telling everyone about it, but I'm afraid my Ils will find my blog and get angry at me for mentioning the fact that my nephew has this disorder... Sigh. I basically post nothing controversial on my blog because I'm afraid people will find me, but since there's nothing controversial I guess I shouldn't be worried that they'll find me. It's like a Borges story.

This is a great topic, Tertia. Did anyone else read the Onion spoof about this? It's at theonion.com: "CIA Asks Bush to Discontinue Blog". "In the interest of national security, President Bush has been asked to stop posting entries on his three-month-old personal weblog..."

[Brooklyn Girl]

Funny you should mention this now....My husband has known I had a blog from the start, but never asked to read it until this weekend. I gave him the URL, and he had read through it all by Monday...and I haven't posted since. Coincidence or stage fright?

[Ellen]

Probably too many. Oh well. My husband knows about it and reads it everyday, but he loves it because he can actually get in my head and figure out what's going on in that mysterious female mind of mine.

My parents don't know. I prefer to keep it that way. Not that I talk about them that much, but you don't really want your parents hearing about your sex life and consistent use of curse words. (My mother doesn't even approve of me saying the word, "fart.")

I have a coworker who knows about it and drops hints that she wants to know where it is, but so far, I've managed to allude her. I just don't want her in my head, I guess.

But I'm trying to be more honest with myself in all aspects of my life. If I'm not afraid to say something in Blog World, I probably shouldn't be afraid to say it in Real World.

[Mandy]

Great question Tertia!

While I haven't taken huge steps to hide who I am, I haven't really given the information out either. At this point, if you google my name you won't find my blog. If you google my EMAIL address.....different story. Apparently I should have signed up for a yahoo account or something, but honestly....I didn't think ANYONE was going to be reading my blog.

I have a friend who knows my blog address, and that's it. Some friends know I blog, but they don't know the url or the topic, and I'm not telling them. I definitely haven't given that access to family members though a couple have asked.

The people I rant about the most are likely to be my SIL or my mom. I'm not telling either, and if they happen to find it, they'll find the truth staring at them. I'm not going to apologize for it. I have emailed hubby the text of some of my blog entries, but never a link. I like to reserve the right to blog about surprises for him or about something he's doing that is driving me crazy...even if I never exercise the right.

[Dana]

I thought you might be interested to know how I found your blog, Tertia. I "knew" you from "TTC over 30" on TLOL, and later your occasional messages on the group's new posting home. I also read posts on an infertility board on ovusoft, and came across one awhile back that made reference to your IVF Barbie with a link. I was pleasantly surprised to find that you were the author. Now I am Tertia junkie, addicted to your blog.

As for the topic of being confidential, I don't blog, but the only person you knows that I belong to two infertility message board groups is DH (who does not read them). If other family members or friends could read my posts I would feel like my privacy was invaded. I have a hard time discussing my infertility with them, and especially expressing how much it has damaged me pyschologically. I prefer to post with others who are experiencing it because of the empathetic responses. Friends and family, while well-intentioned, tend to say comments which make me bite my tongue too hard ("Relax;" "It will happen in God's timing;" etc.). If I had a blog, wrote in it what I have just written here to you, and friends and family read it, I would be embarassed for me and them.

But I am glad you are vociferous, Tertia. It isn't my place to try to validate your blog, but you mentioned that maybe it will all be worthwhile if it helps someone. If helping means contributing strength, and making something less unpleasant and monotonous, then yes your blog helps me cope with infertility.

[Kris]

My husband knows of my blog, knows where it is bookmarked on the computer, and is free to read it whenever he wants. He doesn't much care to read anything though, so, it's not that big of an issue. On occasion he'll comment on something I said, but he doesn't take offense if I bitch about him. My mom knows I have a blog, but has promised not to read it. I trust her, and she knows the name of it, so she won't stumble on it by accident. Sad, but I really don't have any real life friends, except for my husbands ex-wife and her family. If any of them stumbled, no, sorry to say, they don't really know anything about the computer. I don't think they would stumble on it. The evil SIL may stumble upon it, especially as I didn't omit her name on it, nor my husbands or my own, or even the husbands ex wife(initials and nicknames were kinda hard for me to remember to type, lol) but if she does oh well, she's evil and I don't like her. So, I don't know what I'm saying anymore, so bye. Oh, and yay, I was saying your name right the whole time. woohoo.

[Aurora]

I would like to blog, but am not savvy enough to know the right way to set it up. I'd love to have a blog to let some frustration out and to really connect with people that are going through the things that I do. I would prefer to be anonymous if I were to ever start blogging. At this point, I suppose it's irrelevant, but if I ever started a blog, I would use caution in who I told about it. I have a website for family and all that so I wouldn't need to include all that, I don't think.

It's a good question.

[lobster girl]

This is such a great question. Obviously I'm paranoid about staying anonymous -- thus the crustacean pseudonym. For a while, I didn't tell anyone that I blogged. But I did talk to quite a few people about my love for other people's blogs.

A few weeks ago I told my brother, and even emailed him an excerpt that had to do with him, but he doesn't know the URL or my pseudonym. And when I got my last negative, I got good and tipsy and spilled the beans to my husband, who also doesn't know the URL or my name. I really wish I hadn't told him, because now I'm afraid he'll find it. It's bookmarked on my computer, so it wouldn't be that hard.

I almost told my parents this week, but thankfully, managed to restrain myself.

[wavery]

I had such a hard time with this issue. Like Tertia, I have a give-away first name and was very uncomfortable using it. The purpose of my blog is for me. I need to whine and bitch. I'm not afraid of my husband reading it. I'll say nasty stuff and either he'll understand it or he won't and we'll talk it through and that is ultimately good. But the rest of my world? I don't think so. I find that it's very important for me to be wide open naked honest for my mental health. To be accountable to myself, I need to not censor myself. Mine is not a blog for my future kid.

[ginger]

You know, I don't blog, but I comment everywhere and am a rather chatty member of a particular forum. I use a pseudonym even so. It's not like it's hard to find out who I am - hey, there's my e-mail address, right up there, and if you ask me who I am, and I have *some* sense who you are I'll certainly tell you my real name.
When I comment, though, I pseudonym and de-identify anyone else I'm talking about, because they haven't consented to be part of my chatter. It just feels a bit impolite to do otherwise. Still, I guess I talk about my husband, and if you knew who I was it wouldn't be too hard to figure out who he is - it's a matter of public record - but we have different last names, and it doesn't seem to violate him much. If I really question whether it would make him uncomfortable, I call him 'a close relative' and leave it at that - but for a blog about babymaking, I can see that might not work. (Because we all know, or at least hope, that the semen analysis isn't for your dad or brother.)
Interesting dilemma.

[Andreah]

I started out wanting to be very public with my blog and left it for people to read on TTC after a loss message boards and whatever. Things changed dramatically in the last few months when I was terrorized and harrassed by someone I met online who ended up being a horrible psychotic. Since then i had to password protect it, And I am still afraid she would find me and make my life complete hell.

My husband has known since the very beginning and I tell him if I write about him or if people comment with good advice or criticism I share that with him too. He knows my blog is for me and my therapy so he understands my wish for privacy, but he is always welcome if he wants to read it and he knows this too.

After him, only one other close friend knows I blog and she reads maybe once a week, because I end up telling her the things I blog about it anyways in regular conversation.

Other than that and my friends in the computer, I don't want anyone else to know because they are private thoughts and I have a big mouth and don't care if I hurt peoples feelings. But I really do and I don't want someone I love to read what I wrote and have their feelings hurt. They would also be shocked to know how I really am sometimes. Not my husband or best friend, but everyone else. I try to keep it like I would never write about someone that I wouldn't say to their face, but that becomes harder and harder.

P.S. I always thought your name was pronounced Ter-tee-uh... Like a South African flat bread or something.

HAHAHAAA!!!! kidding.

[Janis]

So far I've told two reali life people about my blog. Both of them are people I will never be ranting or bitching about.

The only others who know are online friends such as yourself and a few others.

I am debating on telling family. If I do, then I lose the ability to be totally honest in my blog. Face it, if I want to gripe about them, I can't without them possibly getting hurt.

My blog is one place I have been able to write about the day my daughter died. I felt safe in letting it all out there. Maybe because I knew that the chances of having all that dark stuff be common knowledge to people I know was minimal. Some things in my life I don't want to share with others. With people I see on a daily basis.

So here I sit, wondering, do I tell, do I not tell? Since I am new to the whole blog thing, it's a big question. I want to be able to write what I want, when I want and not have to worry about stepping on anyone's toes.

Very good question Tertia, but not one easily answered.

[Cecily]

All my friends know and read it. I don't regret that. My husband reads it, but I certainly haven't told my mother!

I like it being public, since I'm a writer, and it provides proof that I'm actually writing!