Ramblings, some old, some new, all direct quotes….
What not to say to a person who has had a miscarriage:
(I am sure there are plenty more, feel free to add)
It’s probably for the best
The best for whom? Me? The now dead baby? You? The greater good of the nation? This does not make the person feel better.
It was God’s will
You know my feelings on this. God as a baby killer? I don’t think so. You as interpreter of God’s will? Even less.
There was probably something wrong with it
“It”?? So if you have a child and he has something wrong with him you are going to send him back and ask for another one?
It was not meant to be
Crap. Why was it not meant to be? Who decides? Why would I conceive at all if it was ‘not meant to be’?
Luckily it was early
You mean before it was a real baby and I got attached? Nope, this does not make any difference. It still hurts, like mad. Some of us love our babies from the minute we found out we are pg.
You can always have another
Oh, so children are now interchangeable? I am sure having another one will make me simply forget about that little inconvenience of a loss. This kid, that kid, much of a muchness really.
At least you know you can get pregnant
Yes, what a relief, because we all know the goal is pregnancy and not an actual real live baby.
And then the all time Award winning comment given to me by a friend after she found out I lost Luke in utero at 21w:
Ah buddy, sorry, but at least you have another one.
Yes, thank God for that, Luke was really a spare baby any way, I couldn’t stand the bugger.
What not to say to someone suffering from secondary infertility:
Be grateful you have at least one child
Yes the person is grateful to have their child, of course they are. Does this mean they are not allowed to want more? If you suffer from infertility are you suddenly only entitled to one child? Why shouldn’t they be allowed to want another? Luckily there aren’t limits to the amount of children available, so them having another wont take away one of yours. Why should they be satisfied with only one child if they want two?
What not to say to a person who is facing any one of these (and other) situations: threatened miscarriage, bleeding in pg, a low beta, a non doubling beta, messed up hormonal levels etc.
Just be positive, I am sure it will be fine
That is a dismissive statement. Don’t do this, it’s very irritating. In fact the word ‘just’ should have clued you in. Never use ‘just’. Just = bad.
My cousin’s aunt’s best friend’s neighbour had the same situation and she was fine
Yes, perhaps she was, but those situations are the exception, not the norm. Again, don’t be dismissive of the person’s legitimate fear.
What not to say to a person who is suffering from depression:
Just snap out of it
Depression is a disease, you don’t just ‘snap’ out of diseases. Do you think the person LIKES being depressed? No, it’s horrible.
But you have so much to be grateful for
Yes, and the depressed person knows this, but unfortunately when you are suffering from depression, all the things that you have to be grateful for do not cure the depression. Depression is not about being ungrateful, it is a medical condition.
What not to say to a person who has a very sick child in the NICU
What will be, will be
I hate that fucking saying. That is supposed to make me feel better?
What not to say to a pregnant person:
As said to me last week by my friend when he came to visit (do love you tho, my darling C and I will still bake those cookies for you, promise)
God you look awful, aren’t pregnant people supposed to glow?
(men = zero sensitivity). I did look awful, granted, but you are not supposed to actually say it!!!
As said to me by my husband as I was sitting on the edge of the bath brushing my teeth (admittedly leaning forward somewhat):
Doesn’t it feel weird with your boobs resting on your belly?
Well yes actually it does, thank you so much for pointing out that my boobs now rest on my belly. IT IS BECAUSE MY BELLY IS GROWING, not because my boobs are sagging. Promise. The worst thing was, it was an honest, innocent question. Good lord I am grotesquely huge. With boobs now resting on my belly. Sigh.
What not to say to a pregnant person after infertility who dares to bring up any slight (or even more serious) negative aspect of pregnancy:
You asked for this / you wanted this
Yes I wanted a baby, I did not want to have pain / hemorrhoids / high-risk pregnancy / gestational diabetes / bed rest etc etc.
Just be grateful you are pregnant at all
See above. Also remember that we are grateful for the opportunity to have a baby (hopefully). No one in their right mind would be grateful for any of the above shit. Got that? Am grateful to get baby, am not grateful for the not so nice stuff. Accepting yes, but also allowed to have a moan about it.
Although out of all the comments the one I hate most is the ‘what will be, will be’ comment. I don’t know why, it could be because it’s such a dismissive, trivializing, throwaway comment, or because it has a sliver of truth in it that I absolutely hate. And that is that at the end of the day, we really do have no control over our lives. That life is a random series of portions of shit and good luck, unequally distributed amongst us all, with no reference to justice, fairness or hard work. That good does not necessarily get rewarded, that hard work might get you nowhere, that even if you do every thing right, you might still not get what you hope for? At the end of the day there is not much you can do to control your own destiny? I don’t like that. At all.