What NOT to say

Ramblings, some old, some new, all direct quotes….

What not to say to a person who has had a miscarriage:
(I am sure there are plenty more, feel free to add)

It’s probably for the best
The best for whom?  Me?  The now dead baby?  You?  The greater good of the nation?  This does not make the person feel better.

It was God’s will
You know my feelings on this.  God as a baby killer?  I don’t think so.  You as interpreter of God’s will?  Even less.

There was probably something wrong with it
“It”??  So if you have a child and he has something wrong with him you are going to send him back and ask for another one? 

It was not meant to be
Crap.  Why was it not meant to be?  Who decides?  Why would I conceive at all if it was ‘not meant to be’?

Luckily it was early
You mean before it was a real baby and I got attached?  Nope, this does not make any difference.  It still hurts, like mad.  Some of us love our babies from the minute we found out we are pg.

You can always have another
Oh, so children are now interchangeable?  I am sure having another one will make me simply forget about that little inconvenience of a loss. This kid, that kid, much of a muchness really.

At least you know you can get pregnant
Yes, what a relief, because we all know the goal is pregnancy and not an actual real live baby.

And then the all time Award winning comment given to me by a friend after she found out I lost Luke in utero at 21w:

Ah buddy, sorry, but at least you have another one.
Yes, thank God for that, Luke was really a spare baby any way, I couldn’t stand the bugger. 

What not to say to someone suffering from secondary infertility:

Be grateful you have at least one child
Yes the person is grateful to have their child, of course they are. Does this mean they are not allowed to want more?  If you suffer from infertility are you suddenly only entitled to one child?  Why shouldn’t they be allowed to want another?  Luckily there aren’t limits to the amount of children available, so them having another wont take away one of yours.  Why should they be satisfied with only one child if they want two?

What not to say to a person who is facing any one of these (and other) situations:  threatened miscarriage, bleeding in pg, a low beta, a non doubling beta, messed up hormonal levels etc.

Just be positive, I am sure it will be fine
That is a dismissive statement.  Don’t do this, it’s very irritating.  In fact the word ‘just’ should have clued you in.  Never use ‘just’.  Just = bad.

My cousin’s aunt’s best friend’s neighbour had the same situation and she was fine
Yes, perhaps she was, but those situations are the exception, not the norm.  Again, don’t be dismissive of the person’s legitimate fear.

What not to say to a person who is suffering from depression:

Just snap out of it
Depression is a disease, you don’t just ‘snap’ out of diseases.  Do you think the person LIKES being depressed?  No, it’s horrible.

But you have so much to be grateful for
Yes, and the depressed person knows this, but unfortunately when you are suffering from depression, all the things that you have to be grateful for do not cure the depression.  Depression is not about being ungrateful, it is a medical condition.

What not to say to a person who has a very sick child in the NICU

What will be, will be
I hate that fucking saying.  That is supposed to make me feel better? 

What not to say to a pregnant person:

As said to me last week by my friend when he came to visit (do love you tho, my darling C and I will still bake those cookies for you, promise)

God you look awful, aren’t pregnant people supposed to glow?
(men = zero sensitivity).  I did look awful, granted, but you are not supposed to actually say it!!!

As said to me by my husband as I was sitting on the edge of the bath brushing my teeth (admittedly leaning forward somewhat):

Doesn’t it feel weird with your boobs resting on your belly?

Well yes actually it does, thank you so much for pointing out that my boobs now rest on my belly.  IT IS BECAUSE MY BELLY IS GROWING, not because my boobs are sagging.  Promise. The worst thing was, it was an honest, innocent question.  Good lord I am grotesquely huge.  With boobs now resting on my belly.  Sigh.

What not to say to a pregnant person after infertility who dares to bring up any slight (or even more serious) negative aspect of pregnancy:

You asked for this / you wanted this
Yes I wanted a baby, I did not want to have pain / hemorrhoids / high-risk pregnancy / gestational diabetes / bed rest etc etc.

Just be grateful you are pregnant at all
See above.  Also remember that we are grateful for the opportunity to have a baby (hopefully).  No one in their right mind would be grateful for any of the above shit.  Got that?  Am grateful to get baby, am not grateful for the not so nice stuff.  Accepting yes, but also allowed to have a moan about it. 

Although out of all the comments the one I hate most is the ‘what will be, will be’ comment.  I don’t know why, it could be because it’s such a dismissive, trivializing, throwaway comment, or because it has a sliver of truth in it that I absolutely hate.  And that is that at the end of the day, we really do have no control over our lives. That life is a random series of portions of shit and good luck, unequally distributed amongst us all, with no reference to justice, fairness or hard work.  That good does not necessarily get rewarded, that hard work might get you nowhere, that even if you do every thing right, you might still not get what you hope for?  At the end of the day there is not much you can do to control your own destiny?  I don’t like that.  At all.   

Comments

[Amy]

"Just relax" is, of course, the best advice for someone having trouble getting pregnant. It's right up there with "You know, there are only a couple days a month when you can get pregnant. There's something called ovulation..." and "Have you tried putting your legs up after sex?"

People say the stupidest things when there's nothing to say but "I'm sorry things are so tough for you right now. Can I do anything to help?" Why is it so hard to just say that, rather than spewing forth with lines like "It just wasn't meant to be"?

But more importantly, how wonderful, Tertia, that you now have a handy place to store your boobs! No more carrying them around awkwardly when you can just park them on the kids instead. Awwww, it's Kate and Adam's first little job to help Mom around the house!

[Jo]

My personal favorite, from a coworker, whilst I awaited a miscarriage:

"Isn't it spooky, having a dead baby inside you?"

I wanted to award her a ribbon of some sort.

And I agree, the words "Just" and "be grateful" should *never* be uttered to anyone who is in any kind of pain. (When I told my dad that, he got mad and yelled. Some people really value their "be grateful.")

[aklenox]

Thank you for including us secondary IF ladies. We usually seem to get lost in the shuffle.

That is one of the worst. I get it often. I even got it at an IF seminar -- gee thanks for your sensitivity. Another I hate is "Well I wouldn't worry. If it worked right once, it will work again." Then why did I lose two babies after having a healthy one you moron.

Oh, can I also add please do not complain about getting up all night long with your baby to someone who right now should be doing the same with theirs but it's dead. You have a right to complain, but please pick a better audience.

[RS]

You know what really pisses me off is when you bump into someone you have not seen in a while.. such as a colleague at work or the janitor or something (who has no clue about your personal life), and the first thing they ALWAYS ask is:

"Do you have any kids yet?"

And they do not do it once, but every fucken time they see you.

I've gotten to the point where I don't even conclude the conversation - I just turn around and walk away as though the person does not exist. But only because I do not have the time to sit through a murder trial.

P.S. My wife and I had the same family doctor for a while. That cow (the doctor) told both of us the "Just be positive, I am sure it will be fine" bullshit for two years. The sad thing is that we believed her.

[JenAtHome]

I had a child who was stillborn, and the day after his funeral my asshat aunt called up, to talk to my mother about a fictional family emergency, and her "helpful comment" to me was "Well, these things happen for a reason."

Yes it did. The "reason" was my son had a congenital GI abnormality which doesn't kill 98% of babies but it did kill him, and 33 hours of induced labor to deliver a child who is dead sucks, and being told "Well, these things happen for a reason" just wasn't what I needed to hear. Idiots are everywhere.

[Abby]

In nursing school almost the 1st thing that we were taught is NEVER to say "Don't worry." Enough said!

[Rachel]

Thank you so much. I really needed this entry today.

My father's entry (as of this morning) "You know, something like 50% of women have miscarriages."

Why yes, that makes me feel so much better. Nice to know that my tomb-like uterus has company. Of course, not all of them have miscarriages every single time they get pregnant, but who's counting? Grrrrr.

As for the God comment. As my uncle, the minister, said after my cousin's son died at birth - It is never God's will for children to die or for their parents to experience such pain. God is not that cruel.

Really, though, thanks.

[AussieAndrea]

Oh dear.

I think my E-crush on you just intensified.

If that is even possible.

[susan]

Well at least you won't have to be hearing any of this crap anymore. I'm sure you're grateful for that.

(sorry, I couldn't resist; tried to find a way to work a "just" in there too but am lame this late at night)

Anyway, how mad are you gonna be if we call Kate Katie?

Have you named your boobs yet? You'd think with as prominent as they become we would do that. But no, only men name their body parts I think. Of course, our boobs don't take over and make rational thought possible.

Lord, I'm full of shite tonight.

[susan]

okay, meant to say make rational though impossible.

I suck.

Which is a good thing as I have few other skills apparently.

[Charmaine]

V V well said! Please write a book! :)
The only problem is it would take all of us buying the book for all the ignorant people out there that make these kind of stupid comments! Got to love you .....

[susan]

THOUGHT - make rational thought impossible.

ARRRGGH! I'm going to bed. Sorry Tertia.

[Emily]

Standing from the rafters whistling and cheering loudly...YES!

xxoo,

[Becky]

I had to tell you my funny story. I gave birth to my son Timothy at 16 weeks. I know a little Korean grandmother who I love and adore - unfortunatly she had only just found out I was pg. I saw her just after I lost my boy, she met me with open arms saying "ah baby, baby" and started to rub my tummy. Unfortunatly she had only a few words of English. I said to her "no baby gone, baby GONE", "yes" said she "baby good is good, baby is good" I love this women so I couldn't slap her. I gave her a big hug agreed that a baby would be good and left quickly.

It took us 14 months to fall pf again and I did slap the last person who told me we were trying too hard and just relax :-)

[Kristin]

Thank you thank you thank you for this.

I have a few to add...

Do not tell someone suffering from secondary infertility "You shouldn't be so desperate to have another one."

Do not tell someone suffering through yet another miscarriage "You just get to excited too early."

I did my own (much less eloquent) commentary on this... http://thefertileinfertile.blogspot.com/2004/10/asshat-comments-from-good-people.html

[Janice]

As always you have hit the nail on the head. We did six cycles before we were successful in bringing home a live baby, and I'm now on my fourth try for her sibling. We haven't told a soul - I can't bear the 'just be grateful for what you have' comments - it makes me want to scream that one has NOTHING to do with the other. People, no matter how much they love you, for the most part just do not get it.

Thanks for so eloquently telling it like it is, Tertia~!

[sweetisu]

Idiots abound and around everywhere. This sort of stupidity and hurtfulness is usually not ill-intentioned but really really despicable. They make my head explode with anger.

Unfortunately it doesn't just happen in the IF world. When I had cancer 4 years ago, some of those same phrases were said to me, in the context of cancer instead of IF. I just blogged about it last month.

[Cherith]

I don't like it either T.

[eM]

At this point I'm not sure who I hate more IF or the world of cretins on your doorstep. Freaky thing is I could guess most of who said what - f'ck'rs.

[Cheryl]

After a miscarriage: "You miscarried so early it was only a mass of cells - it never got past the cell division stage." Direct quote from an un-friend.

To a pregnant woman: There's no way you still have 8 weeks to go! You're too big!

[Rhonda]

When I tell people about my miscarriage last month, those kind, understanding people--many of whom have suffered through miscarriages of their own, all say some variation on, "it's very common," or "they say it happens in one in five pregnancies..." (as if I wasn't already worried about the odds for trying again...)

I know they are trying to reach out and tell me that there are so many who understand what I'm going through. and I appreciate that...but when you learn someone's parent or grandparent died, do you say, "it's very common?"

[Julie]

Oh I have one... A very recent one... I just experienced miscarriage #6 (on Christmas Eve... Merry Christmas to me). We had known that things weren't looking good, so we hadn't announced the pregnancy, but I had asked a few Christian friends/family to pray. When I sent the Email out that we had lost the baby, I got a reply (from my pastor!) "God in His sovernty (sp?) knows best, praise the Lord!"....

Now, I am a Christian, and I believe that God knows best, but you DO NOT SAY "Praise the Lord" to someone who's just lost a child. I went from being devestated, to being bitter as well... The next Sunday I didn't even want to go to church, except that I had obligations there with a Sunday school class.... But haven't spoken to Pastor since...

And, what not to say to a pregnant person... When I was 3 months pregnant with my third (live) baby, I was telling someone at church that I was due in October. Then someone I didn't even know said, "October?!? What are you having, quintuplets?!?"... I cried all the way home. *sighs*

Hugs
Julie

[eve]

I hope your next post is what TO say to be supportive to your IF/PG/grieving/etc. friend/neighbor/co-worker/relative!

Hopefully, once the sting of some of these comments isn't so fresh, the (unintended) victim can take some comfort (<- or something akin to that) in knowing that the (unintended) asshat probably meant well but wasn't very good with words.

IMHO, people often don't know what to say when someone near them experiences something tragic. I think that (most) people who offer these attempted condolences are really just trying to make the person feel less isolated and alone. (At least I like to think that's what most people are doing.)

I don't have experience with these kinds of comments in the IF way, but I think many of us have experienced some sort of tragedy. On one hand, we want others to acknowledge our experience because it's important to us, but on the other, we don't want the experience dismissed or trivialized.

I guess the best thing to say is a simple, "I'm truly sorry for your loss." Maybe just take cues from the person as to what more they need/want from you...?

P.S. I don't intend to be critical of you, Tertia, or anyone's posts at all... I hope I didn't come across that way.

Best,
Eve :)

[beaver girl]

The main thing I've learned is that it's almost never wrong in any situation to say "I'm so sorry." and/or "I'm here for you if you want to talk.".

[Sheena]

someone once told me that because Kiera was on oxygen 24/7 and had been in hospital for the first 3.5 mnths of her life, it was "just as well" that she died.

JUST AS WELL????!!!!

fuck. off.