Ramblings, some old, some new, all direct quotes….
What not to say to a person who has had a miscarriage:
(I am sure there are plenty more, feel free to add)
It’s probably for the best
The best for whom? Me? The now dead baby? You? The greater good of the nation? This does not make the person feel better.
It was God’s will
You know my feelings on this. God as a baby killer? I don’t think so. You as interpreter of God’s will? Even less.
There was probably something wrong with it
“It”?? So if you have a child and he has something wrong with him you are going to send him back and ask for another one?
It was not meant to be
Crap. Why was it not meant to be? Who decides? Why would I conceive at all if it was ‘not meant to be’?
Luckily it was early
You mean before it was a real baby and I got attached? Nope, this does not make any difference. It still hurts, like mad. Some of us love our babies from the minute we found out we are pg.
You can always have another
Oh, so children are now interchangeable? I am sure having another one will make me simply forget about that little inconvenience of a loss. This kid, that kid, much of a muchness really.
At least you know you can get pregnant
Yes, what a relief, because we all know the goal is pregnancy and not an actual real live baby.
And then the all time Award winning comment given to me by a friend after she found out I lost Luke in utero at 21w:
Ah buddy, sorry, but at least you have another one.
Yes, thank God for that, Luke was really a spare baby any way, I couldn’t stand the bugger.
What not to say to someone suffering from secondary infertility:
Be grateful you have at least one child
Yes the person is grateful to have their child, of course they are. Does this mean they are not allowed to want more? If you suffer from infertility are you suddenly only entitled to one child? Why shouldn’t they be allowed to want another? Luckily there aren’t limits to the amount of children available, so them having another wont take away one of yours. Why should they be satisfied with only one child if they want two?
What not to say to a person who is facing any one of these (and other) situations: threatened miscarriage, bleeding in pg, a low beta, a non doubling beta, messed up hormonal levels etc.
Just be positive, I am sure it will be fine
That is a dismissive statement. Don’t do this, it’s very irritating. In fact the word ‘just’ should have clued you in. Never use ‘just’. Just = bad.
My cousin’s aunt’s best friend’s neighbour had the same situation and she was fine
Yes, perhaps she was, but those situations are the exception, not the norm. Again, don’t be dismissive of the person’s legitimate fear.
What not to say to a person who is suffering from depression:
Just snap out of it
Depression is a disease, you don’t just ‘snap’ out of diseases. Do you think the person LIKES being depressed? No, it’s horrible.
But you have so much to be grateful for
Yes, and the depressed person knows this, but unfortunately when you are suffering from depression, all the things that you have to be grateful for do not cure the depression. Depression is not about being ungrateful, it is a medical condition.
What not to say to a person who has a very sick child in the NICU
What will be, will be
I hate that fucking saying. That is supposed to make me feel better?
What not to say to a pregnant person:
As said to me last week by my friend when he came to visit (do love you tho, my darling C and I will still bake those cookies for you, promise)
God you look awful, aren’t pregnant people supposed to glow?
(men = zero sensitivity). I did look awful, granted, but you are not supposed to actually say it!!!
As said to me by my husband as I was sitting on the edge of the bath brushing my teeth (admittedly leaning forward somewhat):
Doesn’t it feel weird with your boobs resting on your belly?
Well yes actually it does, thank you so much for pointing out that my boobs now rest on my belly. IT IS BECAUSE MY BELLY IS GROWING, not because my boobs are sagging. Promise. The worst thing was, it was an honest, innocent question. Good lord I am grotesquely huge. With boobs now resting on my belly. Sigh.
What not to say to a pregnant person after infertility who dares to bring up any slight (or even more serious) negative aspect of pregnancy:
You asked for this / you wanted this
Yes I wanted a baby, I did not want to have pain / hemorrhoids / high-risk pregnancy / gestational diabetes / bed rest etc etc.
Just be grateful you are pregnant at all
See above. Also remember that we are grateful for the opportunity to have a baby (hopefully). No one in their right mind would be grateful for any of the above shit. Got that? Am grateful to get baby, am not grateful for the not so nice stuff. Accepting yes, but also allowed to have a moan about it.
Although out of all the comments the one I hate most is the ‘what will be, will be’ comment. I don’t know why, it could be because it’s such a dismissive, trivializing, throwaway comment, or because it has a sliver of truth in it that I absolutely hate. And that is that at the end of the day, we really do have no control over our lives. That life is a random series of portions of shit and good luck, unequally distributed amongst us all, with no reference to justice, fairness or hard work. That good does not necessarily get rewarded, that hard work might get you nowhere, that even if you do every thing right, you might still not get what you hope for? At the end of the day there is not much you can do to control your own destiny? I don’t like that. At all.
Here are some things to say that may be helpful:
"I'm here if you want to talk"
"I'm here for you"
"I'm here for you every step of the way"
"I'm here for you through good times and bad"
"I know this is really hard for you, but when you want to talk I am here for you"
"I'm here if you need a shoulder to cry on"
"Do you want a hug?"
"It's OK to be sad and cry"
"It's OK to cry"
"It's OK to grieve"
"It's OK if you want to cry"
"I'm sorry"
"I'm sorry you are hurting"
"I'm so sorry about your loss"
"I want to help you through this"
"I want to help"
"I want to try and understand"
"I'm here if you need some support"
"It will take time for the pain to ease so take all the time you need - I'll still be here for you"
Posted by: Robyn | 07 January 2005 at 04:37 AM
So excuse my ignorance and sensitivity on this one ladies, but what exactly is the right thing to say here, since it does seem to me that no matter what we say, we are screwed??? Might I suggest it would be better just to say nothing at all???
Posted by: Chris | 07 January 2005 at 10:46 AM
People do say the stupidest things. One lady (who had some IF issues in the past) told another lady (who was having trouble trying to harvest eggs for a surrogate) that she should just to out to the park with a picnic and a blanket and she'd end up pregnant. Ummmm NO! The lady in question had had a hysterectomy 5 years before. She wasn't going to end up pregnant.
Insensitivity just rubs me the wrong way! And I've never had trouble with IF...but I like to think I"m sensitive to those who have!
Posted by: Amy | 08 January 2005 at 06:34 AM
How about this one: "I'm jealous of you, because you can conceive naturally."
Said to me by a nurse who had three children out of two times IVF, just after I woke up from having a curettage two months after my second miscarriage. I got pregnant without medical help after two failed ivf's (a miracle, yes), two times, two times ending in a missed abortion ( at 16 and 13 weeks). Never been pregnant again and giving up hope at 43.
Isn't that something to be jealous of!
Posted by: Monique | 08 January 2005 at 01:28 PM
People need to say SOMETHING when there is a situation another person is dealing with in life, but unfortunately a miasma of fear, ignorance and some form of embarassment leads people to pick awkward things to say:
"But you're so BIG for 4 months."
"His head is SO BIG!"
"Isn't she tiny for her age?"
"You are using cloth diapers?"
"Just be glad you have another leg."
"Well, at least the tumor isn't in your brain."
"I don't think your boobs are too small."
"Did you think about adding salt to this casserole?"
"Well at least having a c-section made it so you're not all stretched out 'down there.' I'll bet your HUSBAND is glad."
I've been down a two year infertility road, the c-section/vbac wish and enough difficulties in general that I usually know what to not say. What I don't know is what TO say.
"I'm so happy for you" is always a good one about babies.
"You'll be in my prayers" is one I've used with the sick, injured, those suffering troubling conception or pregnancy.
"That must be so hard."
What else? I like things that validate what is happening (vs. pretending it isn't a big deal), but aren't specific enough to offend even a monstrously hormonal woman.
"What can I do to help?" is probably welcome in a lot of cases. But what are some other good ideas for the scenarios described here??
Kristine (who got "you look so much better now that you're not so fat" not too long ago ...)
Posted by: Kristine | 09 January 2005 at 03:55 AM
I'm a bit late jumping in on this post but it seems that the only ting left to say would be "Sucks to be you". Which, of course, is totally inappropriate. This is why the best reaction is to keep your damned mouth shut and be a friend by listening and just being there for support.
People alway think they need to say something profound and usually end up looking like total morons.
If I think I absolutely HAVE to say something, I stick with "Sometimes life is a shit sandwich and we all have to take a bite"
That's why I mostly just keep my mouth shut.
BTW...This is my first visit. I see why you're in first place with BOB now.
Posted by: John | 10 January 2005 at 07:11 PM
I seem to have come to this party somewhat late but once again you have hit the nail on the head Tertia.
The worst comment I got after our stillbirth at full term was "at least you didn't get to know your little girl"
Posted by: Trinie | 13 January 2005 at 04:23 AM
Two gems I just heard tonight (regarding the miscarriage I had at 12 weeks at the end of last month):
"Your parts are so young, maybe they just needed a bit more growth before you have a baby."
Um, what the heck??? My "parts"??? What is wrong with you? I'm not 12 years old, lady. I'm in my 20s, and my "parts" seem to be working alright for the time being, although it did take almost a year to get pregnant. I guess all those teenage mothers out there are just special or something.
"Why don't you two just enjoy each other for right now. You can travel and have a good time before you have someone else to care for, ya know."
Oh, gee, thanks, I didn't know that! What was I thinking, wanting one of those pesky babies interfering with my life anyway? Oh, and by the way, it's so nice of you to criticize the choices I've already made about becoming a parent, because, you know, losing my baby wasn't enough grief.
Seriously people. Know when to stop.
Posted by: Lisa | 14 July 2005 at 09:07 AM
I have one friend who is allowed to say "now you know you can get pregnant". She has been trying for five years to get pregnant and has only just found out her husband's sperm has low motility.
No-one else is allowed to say this.
Posted by: Katie | 08 October 2005 at 12:32 PM
I've just been reading some of the things people have said and am in disbelief at some of them! I have had annoying comments but not nearly as offensive as some of the ones on here my heart goes out to everyone who has to put up with such insensitivity and stupidity. I suffered my third miscarriage in June - no successful pregnancies yet and the things that upset me most are- people being offhand about it as if it's so easy to think "well next time" I mean the statistics say only 1% of women will lose 3 in a row and my chances get less and less each time for a healthy pregnancy but yeah next time will be ok! Or they seem offhand because it's X amount of months ago since the most recent one. Yeah I guess I should be over it by now even though I should be due ot give birth in a couple of weeks time. People go on about moving on and putting it behind me-it's hard when you can't not think how old your children would be (yes I dared to call them my children I know many people who would think that is strange even though they were) My new nephew is to be dedicated at his church just 2 days from my due date and when I said to husband that would be hard he rolled his eyes (though have to say he 99% of the time the most supportive and sweet husband I could hope for) A woman I barely know came and sat beside me at church yesterday-I was very emotional as it had been the Christmas family service with all the children performing and even the chreche babies involved-some of wich the same age as my lost babies would be-and just came out with something about "I know a woman who lost her baby at 6 months you know" I would never in any way minimise the horror for a woman of losing a child so late on in pregnancy but why did she just come out and say that to me? To make me think "what right have I to be upset because my miscarriages were all 1st trimester?" Why say that to me? What's the purpose in that? I have often got the old quote of at least you can concieve-it has worn thin since we have now lost 3 babies. Being able to conceive is indeed something I am very thankful for-but it's a baby I want not just a couple of months of pregnancy then a painful and devastating end to it. I have also got the "you're still young" Yes I am the right side of 30 (just!) but how does my age help me if my body is not managing to carry to term? Also my parents are both well into their 60's and I want so much to give them the grandchild they long for. I got a card from a friend after the 1st miscarriage saying "keep trying!" A colleague at work (who was heavily pregnant at the time) said "sometimes you just have to go through the *** to get to the good stuff eh?" and then proceeded to tell me that "X" (who was also pregnant a the time) was so much worse off then me because she had had an ectopic previous to her healthy pregnancy! My m-in-law likes to think she knows how it feels as she lost 3 grandchildren-but, not that I would point it out to her as she means well and is lovely-she has carried to term 3 healthy children and now has 1 healthy grandchild too (my nephew-sis-in-law's baby) I have been told "at least it happened early" which I hate. I lost my children for goodness sakes! These were my sons or daughters-my babies-tiny or not so tiny they meant the world to my husband and I. Someone I know told me about when she tried for no2 and it took a long time then she had an ectopic. She told me it was once she became "content" with her family situation that she became pregnant again and had her 2ns child-of course spot the major difference whe had had a child of her own already and lived out my dream of carrying a baby to term in her womb and holding her in her arms and raising her with her husband. I think it's awful what she went through of course but it's not the same as being childless and losing 3 babies. I find it hard to "feel content with my family situation" as she put it. I hate that no one remembers the due dates or anniversaries of losses (other than my darling husband of course) Maybe I expect too much but no one seems to care. They seem surprised when I am less than enthused about Christmas approaching. People I know who have had children easily don't understand how much it means to me to have a child (has always been my greatest dream to be a mother) as it has never been an issue to them. They find it strange that I think about it all the time and think I am obsessive. Friends who complain about their babies and pregnancies while I long for the days when I would wake up in the mornings and throw up and be thrilled because I was pregnant and even felt pregnant! Someone I know when I had the second loss said "oh so it was just cells then" thanks for that... ok I need to shut up in a minute all my bitter feelings seem to be pouring out! I'm sorry I hope it's ok to vent here I also hope I haven't offended anyone I don't mean to. I guess I just feel very sad and angry as another Christmas approaches and another crap year somes to an end. But I am going to believe there are better things to come and my husband will be blessed with a child soon-I have to believe that. Which reminds me my m-in-law also told us that our babies were taken because God knew they'd be better of with Him - ?!?! We'd all be better off with Him but that doesn't mean we all go shooting off there right now does it! All our friends babies got the chance to be born and live before being with God why not ours? I hated that comment to my very core I have to admit. We have also gotten at one time or another "for the best" "God's will" "not the right time" "they would have been deformed" "you'll see them once day in heaven" Yes but I want to see them here now! Anyway sorry for going on so long I will stop there-again I am so sorry to hear what so many of you have had to listen to from others it really is unbelievable and I wish you all every blessing and lots of sympathy and support and love xxx
Posted by: Alison | 19 December 2005 at 02:52 PM
My personal favorite after my miscarriage was:
"I know exactly how you feel. When my puppy died..." Wow, I would have felt better if she had stabbed me in the gut with a fork!
With my secondary IF issues, I was repeatedly told "Just have lots of sex". Hey, that's what I was doing wrong -- we forgot to have sex!
Posted by: Andrea | 22 January 2006 at 02:17 PM
Sorry to hear about all your dead babies, ladies. I won't express my beliefs about having children in this pitiful world, since its not very inspiring, but I wonder if anyone of you can help me, as people that have had stupid shit that hurt them or made them angry. I am starting to *rolls eyes* erm, fall in love with a girl I have met on-line. But I don't have any exerience with this relationship game, and according to Ladder Theory practically everything I want out of it (like true love) is like the opposite of what women want. I am a pretty ugly 26 year old, and cause of past problems, and whatnot, I don't even have a steady job, bank account, car or anything, except for my computer I bought. But anyways, I was talking to her, and was trying to figure out if she loved me and trying not to screw up and play that 'bitches' game and tell her about my goals and principles and past experiences, but she shows me photos of her and she didn't attract me physically. I always thought that my true love would be the most beautiful woman in the world and I was shocked and felt somehow let down, and though I still love her, I made mention of it, saying I am ugly and you aren't beautiful, after I said we could both use some bodywork (referring to improving our physiques) Was I wrong to say this to a woman I at least consider may be my true love? I mean, I value honesty so highly, and I try to never lie,even a white lie, but the physical isn't much of a problem for me. But she hung up on me, and now of course I feel alone and maybe she won't forgive me. Please just give me some advice, I feel like it was meant to be. By the way, all of you lost your babies, time heals all wounds, even I forget the features of those I most loved, who are gone from me. It brings a new pain, but pain is a process, and we let or disallow ourself to feel pain for our ideas and notions. Mourn the dead, but don't mourn yourself, or the fool that can't express their sympathies. None of us know what to do right on this cursed world, and you should value that they -tried- to say something to help, even if it was the stupid wrong thing. Of course if they were trying to offend, get them good. Please email me advice on what might be a good thing to do to make it up to her. I do not live anywhere close, so I can;t just go to her house and kiss her to see if that magically makes her forgive me.
Posted by: Me (too ashamed of his crisis to say the name) | 29 January 2006 at 12:31 AM
LOL YOU JUST SOUND SO LIKE A LITTLE FUCKING CRY BABY WHO WANTS EVERYONE TO CRY WITH YOU!! BITC H GROW UP AND GET OVER IT. THE WAY YOU SPOKE TO ALL THESE WRITERS JUST PROVES WHAT KIND OF MOTHER YOU WOULD BE FROM THE GET GO!! GET A LIFE STOP SPREADING EAGLE WITH "EVERY " TOM DICKS AND HARRY!! YOU NEED ANOTHER FUCKING KID LIKE YOU NEED A DICK UP YOUR ASS!! STOP CRYING AND START THANKING ALL THOSWE WHO TOOK THE TIME TO EVEN WRITE YOUR SKANKY ASS HOE!!
Posted by: suckface | 04 March 2006 at 07:01 PM
Hi Tertia, it just occured to me that since I come back to read this post about 1-2 times per month now that I should post a comment to let you know, and thank you for it. I don't keep up to date on your posts, as I just don't have the time to read everything you right (you're prolific!), but I do love your spirit and humour. As I often say to Julie in my comments, THANK YOU for maintaining a connection for a community of women who understand what it's like to lose a baby.
I had an early miscarriage and followed it up with a healthy baby (albeit with 12 weeks of bleeding at the beginning, and 5 weeks early with almost 2 weeks in hospital, oxygen, etc), so really I've got no clue how hard it is for you women who've done IF treatments for years, lost multiple babies, had late-term miscarriages, been pumped full of hormones, had stillbirth(s) lost babies at birth... it's all so horrible and tragic. I really have no idea how you all have stood it, but I can tell you that you stand like a beacon to me, reminding me that I am not alone in my suffering. THANK YOU for that. I'm so happy you've got your babes at home and healthy!
with a big hug,
Amanda Lynn
Posted by: Amanda Lynn | 27 March 2006 at 06:24 PM
It has been 3 mo. since I miscarried my baby, & while I find it easier to put on the facade that "I'm getting over it" than to have to see the dreaded looks on their faces of wonderment at what's wrong with me that I am not "over it"...I find myself up late every night seeking out websites such as this to hear other voices screaming, raging against the insanity of the way the world reacts to women who've miscarried. Let me say that, never, in my wildest dreams did I have a clue before this happened to me as to the pain of this bottomless empty tomb, until that cursed early morning that hit me like a reckless drunk driver, who sped off laughing at me...somehow making me feel as if I'd handed him the booze and keys myself. Or the looming darkness that would forever haunt any future experience I may have, should I be so blessed. And I don't expect those in my life to understand it per say either. HOWEVER, I am confident when I say, that I cannot imagine that I would have had so little character and that which is ridden with such hokey, cellophane wrapped narcissism, preventing me from any awareness or sensitivity toward the needs of a friend who just lost her baby! The things that have been said to me by friends both pregnant and not, in their blissful naivety. I pray that you stay in your wonderland, Alice..and that your eyes never see the depths of cruelty that you're capable of. Which takes us to what "not" to say to a friend who just lost her baby which should be safe within the same beginnings of life that yours is: Don't ask me to help you pick out the location for your baby shower! (I'm restraining the urge to find the perfect verbal sword with which to more properly express my outrage at this) And when you share the good news that you are pregnant(around the same time my baby would have been) leave out the part about how amazing the ultrasound was complete with precious, tiny details. And when you find out the sex of your baby, leave out the "whew, it's a boy" part. I don't want to hear about how nervous you are for when you HAVE the baby(wouldn't that be nice)I'd give anything to simply have my baby full in my womb and not somewhere in the public sewage system. I can't be the friend that you share all of your chattering, giddy excitement with that always ends with "you'll feel it one day too". No I won't, it will be different for me now. I'm truly so happy for you. But I need to heal. Let me bring things up when I'm ready...besides, I doubt you're in the mood to hear the reality of my morbid thoughts & fears (but if you are, I'll bring the tea!!) And of the lonliness I feel in a world where not even my husband truly sees me when he looks at me anymore. It's as if he's taken some stepford pill leaving me to deal with my grief alone.
I guess I don't want anyone to say anything. It would just be nice if someone would sit with me, really sit with me, just "be" with me for a moment in time. And to "get" it, that my baby counted damn it. And I am forever changed, you blasted fools.
If you've gotten this far, thanks for listening...and it probably means that you share my pain. In which case, I'd like to share a little secret that helps me in my dark moments...
I close my eyes, and imagine myself sobbing curled up in a ball in the palm of the Lords' hand. It is there that I find comfort. And I know that he holds our babies safe within his other hand.
I hear you. God keep you.
Posted by: Hollie | 04 March 2007 at 01:44 AM