What NOT to say

Ramblings, some old, some new, all direct quotes….

What not to say to a person who has had a miscarriage:
(I am sure there are plenty more, feel free to add)

It’s probably for the best
The best for whom?  Me?  The now dead baby?  You?  The greater good of the nation?  This does not make the person feel better.

It was God’s will
You know my feelings on this.  God as a baby killer?  I don’t think so.  You as interpreter of God’s will?  Even less.

There was probably something wrong with it
“It”??  So if you have a child and he has something wrong with him you are going to send him back and ask for another one? 

It was not meant to be
Crap.  Why was it not meant to be?  Who decides?  Why would I conceive at all if it was ‘not meant to be’?

Luckily it was early
You mean before it was a real baby and I got attached?  Nope, this does not make any difference.  It still hurts, like mad.  Some of us love our babies from the minute we found out we are pg.

You can always have another
Oh, so children are now interchangeable?  I am sure having another one will make me simply forget about that little inconvenience of a loss. This kid, that kid, much of a muchness really.

At least you know you can get pregnant
Yes, what a relief, because we all know the goal is pregnancy and not an actual real live baby.

And then the all time Award winning comment given to me by a friend after she found out I lost Luke in utero at 21w:

Ah buddy, sorry, but at least you have another one.
Yes, thank God for that, Luke was really a spare baby any way, I couldn’t stand the bugger. 

What not to say to someone suffering from secondary infertility:

Be grateful you have at least one child
Yes the person is grateful to have their child, of course they are. Does this mean they are not allowed to want more?  If you suffer from infertility are you suddenly only entitled to one child?  Why shouldn’t they be allowed to want another?  Luckily there aren’t limits to the amount of children available, so them having another wont take away one of yours.  Why should they be satisfied with only one child if they want two?

What not to say to a person who is facing any one of these (and other) situations:  threatened miscarriage, bleeding in pg, a low beta, a non doubling beta, messed up hormonal levels etc.

Just be positive, I am sure it will be fine
That is a dismissive statement.  Don’t do this, it’s very irritating.  In fact the word ‘just’ should have clued you in.  Never use ‘just’.  Just = bad.

My cousin’s aunt’s best friend’s neighbour had the same situation and she was fine
Yes, perhaps she was, but those situations are the exception, not the norm.  Again, don’t be dismissive of the person’s legitimate fear.

What not to say to a person who is suffering from depression:

Just snap out of it
Depression is a disease, you don’t just ‘snap’ out of diseases.  Do you think the person LIKES being depressed?  No, it’s horrible.

But you have so much to be grateful for
Yes, and the depressed person knows this, but unfortunately when you are suffering from depression, all the things that you have to be grateful for do not cure the depression.  Depression is not about being ungrateful, it is a medical condition.

What not to say to a person who has a very sick child in the NICU

What will be, will be
I hate that fucking saying.  That is supposed to make me feel better? 

What not to say to a pregnant person:

As said to me last week by my friend when he came to visit (do love you tho, my darling C and I will still bake those cookies for you, promise)

God you look awful, aren’t pregnant people supposed to glow?
(men = zero sensitivity).  I did look awful, granted, but you are not supposed to actually say it!!!

As said to me by my husband as I was sitting on the edge of the bath brushing my teeth (admittedly leaning forward somewhat):

Doesn’t it feel weird with your boobs resting on your belly?

Well yes actually it does, thank you so much for pointing out that my boobs now rest on my belly.  IT IS BECAUSE MY BELLY IS GROWING, not because my boobs are sagging.  Promise. The worst thing was, it was an honest, innocent question.  Good lord I am grotesquely huge.  With boobs now resting on my belly.  Sigh.

What not to say to a pregnant person after infertility who dares to bring up any slight (or even more serious) negative aspect of pregnancy:

You asked for this / you wanted this
Yes I wanted a baby, I did not want to have pain / hemorrhoids / high-risk pregnancy / gestational diabetes / bed rest etc etc.

Just be grateful you are pregnant at all
See above.  Also remember that we are grateful for the opportunity to have a baby (hopefully).  No one in their right mind would be grateful for any of the above shit.  Got that?  Am grateful to get baby, am not grateful for the not so nice stuff.  Accepting yes, but also allowed to have a moan about it. 

Although out of all the comments the one I hate most is the ‘what will be, will be’ comment.  I don’t know why, it could be because it’s such a dismissive, trivializing, throwaway comment, or because it has a sliver of truth in it that I absolutely hate.  And that is that at the end of the day, we really do have no control over our lives. That life is a random series of portions of shit and good luck, unequally distributed amongst us all, with no reference to justice, fairness or hard work.  That good does not necessarily get rewarded, that hard work might get you nowhere, that even if you do every thing right, you might still not get what you hope for?  At the end of the day there is not much you can do to control your own destiny?  I don’t like that.  At all.   

Comments

[chasmyn]

Oh my freaking God, Sheena, are you freaking kidding me? I thought the comment when Quinn died (from a relative, no less) that we were still young, we can have more children, was effed up. Yours takes the asshat cake. In fact, I think that I can see your first reaction of initially being way too stunned to say something, and then later, when you come to from the SLAP in the face of that commment, going to find the person so you can PUNCH THEM IN THE EFFING FACE. Gods, I cannot even believe that one.

What was I going to say before I read that? I don't even remamber now, I am so blown away by that comment. Oh, right. That list is right on, Tertia.

[Victoria]

I'll never forget a comment made to me by more than one person right after I suffered my 1st of 2, back to back, ectopics on my wedding night. Right in the middle of my reception, I buckled over in pain and had to be rushed off to the hospital where after 10 hours of lying on a gurnie (sp?) learned of the ectopic (9wks pg) and would need emergency surgery to remove my right tube (and the baby), these people said "well, good thing this didn't happen right before the wedding ceremony!" HUH?? Yeah, that made me feel a whole lot better. NOT!

[EvE]

I agree with the the previous "eve"'s post. You should do a blog entry on 'what to say' for the well-intentional, but totally stupid amongst us.

[tess]

another classic comment to women who have undergone IVF is:

that's what you get for &%^#$ with mother nature.

a classic.

[bermuda]

How about to the pregnant infertile:

"Too bad you can't just relax and enjoy this pregnancy. You should feel lucky and blessed that you were able to at least get pg"

Along with just = bad, also should = bad.

[LEB]

Well it wasn't a real baby [oh just a figment of my imagination then].

People are so sentimental about miscarriage - at 6 weeks you're not even really pregnant [okay and BTW fuck off].

Are you sure you're having enough sex/doing it right? [oh I don't know - where is it supposed to go? Do you want to give me some tips?]

What do doctors know anyway - have you tried homeopathy? [fuck off you bitch it won't reconstruct my uterus]

I absolutely agree that people have the right to complain about the discomforts and inconveniences of a normally achieved, uncomplicated pregnancy but DON'T COMPLAIN TO ME.

Equally, I know you're disappointed you didn't get your candle & whale music water birth but DON'T COMPLAIN TO ME.

Oh and please don't expect me to hold your newborn.

[finngrrl]

Tertia, firstly can I say - ALL THE BEST with Adam and Kate, so glad they and you are well and healthy. I am so glad to see things are going well for you.

Secondly - please can you publish this post as a pamphlet? ONe I can hand out to people as they make their ass-hat comments. "Tertia's Words Of Wisdom" or somesuch. You rock..

(I'm sitting here waiting three effing WEEKS for a scan post potential-miscarriage (don't you love the UK's FREE 'health' *ahem* "Service"?!), with my mother saying "well if it's meant to be.."! Guh.)

[Lucy]

I just don't get why it is so hard to say "I'm so sorry this is happening to you. It really is just horrible". Just that, no extenders or add-ons. Just that.

My boss, of whom I did not exepect much, rang me and left a message when I miscarried last time, and said "Lucy, I'm so sorry has happened. I know that being at work right now with all the other women (4 pg women at work) will be really, really tough. Take as much time as you need - and you can work from home if you want. We can work out whatever you want or need to do right now. Love to you and Paul."

This guy deserved a fucking medal.

[Lucy]

Oh, I just had to add a comment by my fuckwit aunt, who told me after my third miscarriage that the "bad thing about miscarriages are that they take away your options."

Right. Because, you know, I might have been considering having a termination after years of TTC. Okay.

[Rachelle]

Comments that shouldn't he heard when you're infertile:

- Just relax/ go on a holiday/ adopt/ get a dog/ see this guru in Hawaii and you'll get pg. (I know we all know these, but worth repeating again)

Comments that shouldn't be heard when you've miscarried:

- Maybe you're just not meant to be a mother.

- Maybe it was something YOU did 7 years ago. (Seriously, my SIL said that to me. And worse still, it came via some health guru she was seeing at the time who did not know me at all.)

- Maybe you shouldn't have had that bath/ walked that morning, had those Chinese herbs supposed to promote fertility, etc etc. (Like I'm not blaming myself enough.)

Comments that shouldn't be heard when you're pregnant:

- Are you sure it's just ONE? Are you sure it's NOT TWINS? (Oh, gee, no, I'm NOT sure! I think my doctor must have missed that in the last thirty-five ultrasounds!)

Comments that shouldn't be heard when you're carrying around a crying baby:

- Maybe he's just hungry? (Ya think? That never occurred to me. I was planning on just letting him gulp oxygen for the next 24 hours as I heard that can be a real tummy filler.)

[Graeme]

Amazing, some of the things people say - generally quite unintentionally, just trying to make one feel "better". I think people try to "protect" you from the harsh reality - and it has the opposite effect, of course.

[Cari]

Amen!

[Ana]

As a secondary infertile myself, I must say "be grateful you already have one" is my personnal favorite and I get it alot, lucky me.
Also, I love it when my friends say something like "enjoy it while you can, it's sooo much harder with two". Just what I needed.

[Slim]

From my MIL, when I asked her not to tell anyone about a very early pregnancy because we were worried about having to un-tell them if things went wrong:
"Why? Because you've had one or two miscarriages?"
Yeah. One devastating event, or twice that many, but why bother to keep track, really. (But if you are, you twit, it's three.)

[Dana]

Here are two for a catagory not yet mentioned - for those currently pregnant but on bedrest in order to stay that way long enough:

"At least you knew it was going to happen" (I'm sorry, what? I'm now psychic? Just because there was a decent chance due to past history does NOT mean I wasn't hoping this pregnancy would go smoothly!)

"Just relax and enjoy it, because once the baby's here you'll wish you could just lie around all day." (Yeah, I'll really miss all those long, dull hours of wondering if the baby is still ok, why she hasn't moved in a while, will I make it one more week into the pregnancy before delivering, how mature are her lungs, etc....)

"Don't worry, it was fine with your last one, I'm sure this one will be too" (Because, of course, all pregnancies and deliveries and babies are EXACTLY the same! Besides which, delivering 3 weeks early, having a knot in the cord and almost bleeding out myself are all symptoms of 'fine' doncha know.)

And my personal favorite, after telling a friend of mine that my doctor wants me to try to make it to at least 37 weeks with this baby before being induced due to preeclampsia (said friend having had a baby three months ago after her second completely uncomplicated pregnancy and FIVE HOUR labor):

"Well, that's not bad at all - you'll have to let me know what it's like to lie around on the couch for three weeks. I'll live vicariously through you." (Yeah, bitch, cause there's nothing I like more than not leaving the house for weeks on end, having to have other people take care of my son all day so I don't get to see him much at all, and have plenty of time to think all the awful thoughts I've already listed above. How bout you tell me again all about your perfect Suzie Creamcheese pregnancies, or brag again about how you didn't take so much as a Tylenol through either of your 5 hour labors, and I'll live vicariously through your ass. For that matter, why don't you just go ahead and tell me again why I'm a failure as a woman for having an epidural during my 24 hours labor with my son, due to the hospital's policy for administering epidurals to preeclamptic women to help keep my blood pressure from going any higher and, oh, KILLING me. Or tell me again how you told your friend that if she had a shot of Nubain after 60 hours of labor that she 'didn't do it naturally.')

But I'm not bitter. No, not bitter at all.

Tertia, you're awesome.

[Summer]

I **just** had to jump in to share the best of the worst comments I've gotten.

Right after the loss of my first child and the 3-day induced labor to deliver him, my best friend from college said, "you know, this reminds me a lot of when I had an abortion." I ended the friendship over that one. Nearly 3 years later, I'm more open to the idea that a deliberate abortion is a loss, and that those who choose to abort are part of the loss sisterhood, but for fuck's sake DO NOT compare your decision to terminate a healthy pregnancy to the miscarriage of a much-loved, much-wanted, much-planned baby. At least not when the mother is in the worst stages of grief. Get a fucking clue.

And then when I was six months pregnant with my son, my great-aunt, who hadn't seen me in a while, looked at my huge belly and loudly announced "I hope you get to keep this one!" It was said in a nasty tone of voice, too, much like you'd use to say something like "nice car! I hope you don't get pissed and crash this one, too!"

Of course, I also got a lot of those idiotic but well-meaning comments like "these things happen for a reason" and "at least you know you can get pregnant", but since I know I've uttered my fair share of well-intentioned assholio comments, those people I instantly forgave and still love.

Seconding the motion that Tertia is awesome....

[BeenThere]

After 3 month old twin daughter died from SIDS:

From old boyfriend--"I know exactly how you feel, my puppy Max died earlier this year and we still don't know why." Yup, really, he did say it.

From neighbor--"At least you didn't get to know her very well." Huh?

From "friend" with four healthy older children: "It's better that it happened at 3 months." Oh, I don't know, pick an age you'd prefer one of your children to die at, bitch.

Also, the range of deeds that people perform range from mind-blowingly kind to head-scratchinly clueless:

The morning after we awoke to find a beautiful single pram on our front porch. A friend thought it might be a bit easier for us to take our son out and not deal with the double stroller. Still makes me tear up.

A neighbor (I thought friend) that I called from the hospital an hour after our daughter was pronounded dead and asked if she would go over to our house to field the barrage of phone calls that would be coming in: "Oh, sorry, I've got a house to show, but if I can do anything, let me know."

[Kinneret]

Yes, I've heard all of those and more. Not to mention my co-workers who all tell me "Oh, I just *know* you're going to have a baby". Gee, thanks and where do I sign up for the psychic lessons again?

The "best" one though, was not a week and a half after my m/c/d&c when a coworker pulled me aside and told me seriously that I should get anti-depressants because I just wasn't myself.
I mean really, how dare I grieve? Why didn't I just snap out of it, damnit? After all, nearly 10 days had past since I lost my baby, why wasn't I all kicks and giggles again?
Whatevah.
Thank you very much for this post, Tertia. It meant a lot to me.

Good luck to you :) Your babies are nearly here!!!

[Bridgette]

I actually heard the comment "at least we know you can get PG" from my RE as I was waiting to get wheeled in for my d&c during my m/c. She, of all people, should have known better.

Great post, as usual T.

[Joy]

Thank you so much for writing this. I'm not going through infertility myself, but I'm drawn into it due to a SIL & best friend who are (and I'm a donor because of them.)

But your comments on depression really hit home. Thank you for that.

[eightlegs]

speechless....utterly speechless. I have been in nearly everyone of these situations. You couldn't have said it better!

To add to the "boob resting" comment... my husband was kind enough to point out the other day that even though my "barely a b-cup's" have grown to an overflowing c-cup, you really can't notice now because they are so dwarfed by my belly... geeeeee thanks. I feel pretty.

[Beth]

Add this...

PG person #1: I'm glad I finally got pregnant. It took us x (more than 1, less than a million) months to get pregnant. I'm so thankful.

PG person #2: It only took us one month. I guess our baby was just meant to be.

WTF?

[Lisa]

Tertia - you have every right to complain. In fact, I think you've been downright incredible. Considering your high-risk pregnancy, irritable uterus, confined to bedrest etc., I often think how amazingly LITTLE you complain.

Just wanted to share a little anecdote regarding assvice: My adorable SIL is undergoing IVF # 2 (holding thumbs, crossing legs, sending out prayers into the universe). Members of our husbands' family (hubbies included :-) all have a tendency to impart their often breathtakingly uninformed opinions on the whole world with great confidence and forcefulness. The other day I sent my SIL an email saying that I can't wait to find out if their kiddies get that know-it-all gene. That night she told me that she'd just had a conversation with our MIL. My SIL told her they were planning on going away for a couple of days and maybe visiting a spa. To be safe she wouldn't enter a jacuzzi, even though her doctor told her that he has never found a justifying reason why pregnant (or hopefully pregnant) women shouldn't enter jacuzzis (anyone?). My MIL then proceeded to explain that she thinks it's because the water pressure in a jacuzzi IS DIFFERENT to that of the body, thereby causing some sort of internal disturbance - apparently the doctor doesn't know this because he's just a doctor and his area of expertise is limited. Ahhh.

[Kate]

Personal favorite I heard the second day my baby was in the NICU, after learning he was on a high-frequency ventilator, had developed pnuemonia, sepsis, couldn't maintain his blood pressure, had a heartbeat in the 230's, and he had a hole in his heart:

"It's out of your control, so try not to stress."

GRRRRRRRRRRRR!

[Jill]

On my way to an induction, from my family doctor upon learning the baby was dead in utero, "At least you can have fun trying again."

On the other hand, my OB held me while I cried.

Thanks for speaking for all of us T.