I wish I’d never……..

I was chatting to a now pg IF friend of mine, telling her that one of the hardest things about being a new mom is that I have no idea if what I am doing is right.  I am so scared that in one, two, five or ten years time I was going to say ‘I wish I had never ….. (co-slept / demand fed / fed on schedule / smacked / not smacked / rocked to sleep etc).  Am I being too soft, too hard? Not strict enough? Etc etc.

I am so scared I am inadvertently making a terrible mistake, one (or several) which I will sorely regret later.  (Little niggling fear about letting them go to sleep in my arms before putting them down, but cant seem to find alternative).

As we spoke about a while ago, one of the losses of the modern world is that new mothers are no longer surrounded by communities of experienced mothers, grannies, aunts etc who would provide this advice and support. 

Luckily one of the great spin offs of the Internet is that we are able to provide some semblance of this in the form of virtual communities, like bulletin boards, blogs etc.

So dear experienced mothers, aunts and grannies, I am looking to you as my virtual community, your collective words of wisdom are once again required:

If you look back now (one month, one year, 10 / 20 years down the line), what do you wish you had not done?  What / how could I learn from your mistakes? 

Comments

[Naomi]

Ooooh, I have one you'll no doubt find really, really helpful:

I wish I'd worried less.

With my first, I let her sleep with me (and she napped in my lap). I liked cosleeping when she was a baby, but then she grew up into a big toddler who kicked, and I had visions of her still being in my bed at age eight. But, nope. She moved to her own bed full time when she was a little over two; now she's four, and sleeps just fine. It all worked out.

With my second, I swore that I would try the whole putting-her-down-awake idea and see how that worked. Except she had colic, and instead I spent hours rocking her while she screamed. She's now a toddler and comes into my bed partway through the night and kicks me. I try to remember that it will all be okay.

You know, some of the parenting books do their best to make you all paranoid about getting the kids into habits of one kind or another. But most of these are things the kids will outgrow, or give up with a little prodding. We don't worry about kids being in the habit of pooping in their pants; we use diapers (sorry, nappies) and plan to either train them to use the potty at some point, or just leave them to it until they train themselves.

It will all be okay. Really. You love your babies and you're doing your best; there are probably things you're doing that will make your life a little harder for a while, but you know, either you'll realize you messed up, backtrack, and fix it, or the kids will grow out of it.

[Bee]

Hmm... Rocking... I would never have rocked her to sleep - took up until almost TWO years old to break that habit. Used to sit with pram eventually and rock her to sleep until Paul (ex) said to me: Uhm Bee when she's 16 and comes home from jolling are you gonna be putting her to sleep like that still? Heheh. Good point, I guess, so we broke that habit. Dummy is number 2 biggest sin. STILL LOVES that damn dummy. Shoulda thrown it away ages ago but she loves that dummy. Again, perhaps at her prom we'll let go of it.
Putting to sleep, asleep is another one. She is now getting over it and can obviously fall asleep on her own, but wherever possible, try and put them down to sleep, awake. I DO NOT like the Ferber method of crying it out, however. Tried it and HATED it. Just felt like child abuse. Just my humble opinion, though, use it, don't use it.
Finally: STOP worrying - sheesh - TWO gorg babies and you are doing SO well. We all worry. Guess that's the nature of this thing, they call motherhood. But try and relax - we all make mistakes, if we were perfect, we'd be on another dimension. So, relax, drink lots of wine and keep chatting to us, the 'wise' ones. HA! Speaking of which, will call you from work later. Enjoy Nina's wedding tomorrow.
Lotsa love
Bee
xxx

[KathleenM]

I wish I had never gently oh so gently patted my daughter on the back to get her to sleep. I had to do it until she was four! I can still remember it even though it was years ago. Thinking she was asleep and then crawling to the door only to have her wake up again as I left the room and back I would have to go and pat!

[Beth]

Ditto! I definitely spend less time worrying and more time listening to my gut instincts now then I did when I first became a parent, 13.5 years ago.

The first tenet of my personal parenting manifesto is this. Pour more love on them. You can never have too much love!

Let's see, what else...don't let anyone tell you your going to spoil your children by holding them. That's just nonsense. You tell them this, I'm going to hold on to them as long as they let me because it won't be very much time before they won't.

Later on, when they get older, a really important skill will be learning how to pick your battles.

Don't be afraid to loosen up a little and eat dessert first once in awhile because, you know, life is uncertain. :-)

[BethAgain]

Hmmm, that ditto looks out of place now, but when I started that comment it was right under Naomi's, so I'm dittoing the "stop worrying" sentiment.

[martina]

I've been lurking for awhile here- by the way Congrats on your twins, and that everyone is healthy!!!

I have 3 kids, and what would I change...I definitley agree...worry less....I think on how tense I was with the first compared to the 3rd- what a difference. I used to hear don't hold your child too much they will be spoiled or don't rock them, what do you know for the first time, let alone what do you trust as you get lots of advice from your friends/family/strangers.... But you know I didn't hold my first child alot scared of all the things that might happen (being overly dependant on you, etc..)- but now I look at my third , thinking this is my last and all I can think about is how much I want to always hold her, because I'll won't be a baby forever or get back this day again.

You know-so far-my kids have turned out okay. They don't do what everyone scared me into thinking they would. I think it's definitely on how you feel, and are comfortable with. Do what you need to.

Time passes way to fast. Enjoy what every you can now. Things will get easier and there will always be a challenge.

Oh yeah and definitely pick your battles(when they get older).

Good Luck

[Katrin]

Lucie has never been one for sleeping with me, or for me being there when she feel asleep. From day one she was falling asleep alone.
Bianca was the total opposite and needed to be rocked as a baby and then cuddled in the swing chair. She still finds it really hard to fall asleep and lies there for hours.
Whilst Bianca was the more time consuming, Lucie made up for it in other ways. Lucie wouldn't be left alone at daycare without a huge fuss, nor would she 'happily' stay in the ball park outside Ikea without Aiden and I staying.
Lucie was demand fed until about 6 months old. Bianca was schedule fed until she was 18 months old. I found it a lot easier the second time round.
Bianca has been smacked once by Aiden. Lucie has never been smacked. Not because we changed our minds about it second time through, but because Lucie was never really that naughty. Bianca went through a bad stage age 9. She was smacked as Aiden had found out she's been playing 'chicken' on the freeway. Thankfully she didn't get killed or cause an accident. The smack hurt (it hurt me as well) but a lesson was learnt.
You will find a groove with both your children T. It maybe a little different with each of them, or it may be the same. Lucie is pushed more academically than Bianca is, yet we expect Bianca to put in a greater effort with her school work (Never happens). When Lucie was 14 I would have gladly let her get the bus from school to a friends house in the afternnon, and I wouldn't dream of it with Bianca.
Each child is so different it's hard to say what's wrong and what's right. I worried sick about when they were younger, but they haven't turned out too bad now.
One thing is NEVER EVER have some tidy their rooms for them- my girls think I am a room tidying slave and both quite messy.

Katrin

[mijk]

I'd worried less! In fact now with number 2 I do worry a lot less and it is so much more fun..
I'm gonna babysit my neighbours twins in an hour.. They are 4 weeks old now so I think in 2 hours time I will tell you just how marvelous you are having two babies all of the time!

Mijk

[Julie]

I wouldn't stess so much about potty training.... I let everyone's comments about how "their" kid potty trained so early make me think that my kids *HAD* to be potty trained early... You know what? They weren't. Total stress, months of trying, only to have them catch on quickly when *they were ready*.... My youngest is now 18 months, and I refuse to listen to the people who tell me to start training her now. (Because their kid was trained before their first birthday). I'm not breaking out the pull-ups until she's at least 2 1/2!!!!

Hang in there, you're doing great!!

Julie

[andrea]

I agree I wish I'd worried less abou No.1 and just enjoyed it. With No.2 I fed her if she was hungry, put her to bed if she was tired and she was a great baby (feral toddler but that's another story!)

[marta]

Off-the-point: The best advice I received: 'You'll commit mistakes, whatever you do. Your parents commited mistakes, and their parents commited mistakes. Don't worry, the kids will be fine. '

[Izabela]

I'm going with the 'they'll grow out of it, possibly with a bit of nudging' stand. I got Catherine off to sleep in my arms for all her daytime naps. Was at home, and loved it: have some downtime to read this way. At 20 months, kid started fighting me one day. Within 3 days she had me trained: now she goes to our bed for her daytime nap: lies down and goes to sleep. I still can't get over it, by the way.
Nighttime: similar - we went through co-sleeping, moving her to our bed in the middle of the night when she complained, basically all the bad habits. At some stage we stopped being impressed with this, she picked up the mood (with a bit of prodding) and now sleeps by herself.
I think it is easier to get them to give up things when they are a little older.

[Stephanie]

I wish I had felt less guilty, and just accepted that I was doing the best I could do at that moment.
I wish I had said, screw this guilt, DAMN it, I am A GOOD MOMMY!!!!
And I wish I wouldn't have cared so much what others thought and just gone with my gut instinct more, and not listened to my crazy in-laws advice.
There. I said it!

[Steph]

Don't stress so much!

I think even when we DO have experienced mothers/grannies around, they brought their babies up according to the strict rules of the post-war era. We might be the most "over educated" and "under experienced" generation of mothers ever, but some of the "over education" is undoing stuff like Dr Spock and allowing people to parent according to their gut feeling and baby's temperament.

My daughter is nearly 1 and while she now goes down at night awake/drowsy after a cuddle with me, there have been many times when she has slept soundly for hours after going to sleep on the breast or in my arms. Don't let "the books" tell you that something is wrong if it works for you and you don't have a problem with it!

Another thing I do take solace from is that they will grow out of practically every baby habit at some point. How many children over 10 or adults do you know who suck their thumb in public, have a dummy, need to be breastfed to sleep? I take solace in that when I get up to cuddle my daughter if she's crying persistently and calling for me during the night.

[Ana]

My daughter is now two and I'm pregnant with another one. What will I do diferent?
I will not worry as much and I will enjoy those first few months much much better (or so I hope, if that stupid PPD stays away).

With my daugther I worried all the time, if I was doing the right thing, if I was holding her too much or not enough, if she was eating too much or not enough, etc, etc. But in the end she turned out just fine and I'm sure she would've regardless of what id id, as long as I followed my instincts (which sometimes I didn't).

I will also definitly not worry as much about what other people say. My MIL has 9 children, all were breastfed until 12 months and were pretty much attachement-parented. My Mom has 2 children, both bottlefed, we went to school at 1 year old, etc. You get the picture. Believe me, it was hard as helll to try to listen to both of them, one saying I should try harder to breatfeed, the other telling me to quit and just give her formula. I nearly went nuts!

So my advice to you is follow your instincts and listen to what others have to say but then filter it and do it your way.

[Brodget]

I agree with the stop worrying. You are doing just fine. The only advice I have is to listen to your heart and be honest about what you want. For example, we knew we didn't want to co-sleep so we never started.

Your kids will tell you what they want as they get bigger (by 3 months I knew my daughter liked to sleep on her side, hated the pacifier, was never going to latch on, was a good sleeper, liked tummy time, didn't fall asleep in the car, etc.) I bet you already have a list..

[Kez]

I agree with the above - how many adults do you know who still suck their thumb? Whichever the way we were raised as infants, most of us manage to turn out pretty well. I was bottlefed and I'm just as healthy and happy as my breastfed friends. My husband had a pacifier until he was 4 yet he doesn't have buck teeth, an oral fixation, or is over-dependent. We have been told over and over and over by the media et al that what happens to a child in the first few months of their life affects them forever, but I think that applies to bigger things than breastfeeding/bottlefeeding, co-sleeping/in the cot etc, things like actual physical violence or neglect. In three months' time, you might be saying "Oh, I wish I'd put them to bed awake" or "Gee, pacifiers do make life easier" but it is only you who will remember those "mistakes". Feed your kids, keep them warm, love them, and they'll be fine.

You're doing a great job, Tertia. Don't forget to remind yourself EVERY DAY, even if it just for a few seconds, that you've got them this far and they're doing great. Therefore you must be doing at least some of it "right"!!

[falimako]

I wish I had worried less and felt less guilty. I play the "I wish I hadn't..." game, but what I try to do is think of what I should have done instead. And usually I realise I actually ended up doing the only thing I knew to do. I was doing the best job that I could, so why second guess myself now when I can't go back and change it?
The only thing I really wish I hadn't done (and wish I would stop doing now) is worry so much about what other people think.

[chris]

I would try to enjoy the individual moments and not worry about things that may or may not happen in the future.

Time passes so quickly...

[wookie]

I wish that I had figured out faster that sometimes, no matter what you do, very young babies cry. There isn't anything wrong, they aren't lonely or hungry or hot or cold or wet or gassy... they're just either grumpy, exhausted or overstimulated.

I wish I had learned faster that when the baby cries, I owe it to myself AND them to finish what I'm doing in the bathroom, get a bottle of water and a pillow before rushing into their room to check. If I get there and they want to nurse, I need to have enough "personal errands" taken care of so that I can sit comfortably for an hour (my daughter was a leisurely nurser).

I wish I had learned faster to set logical limits when I was somewhat well slept, and to stick to them (ie- have a policy in effect for a 4am cry instead of wondering what to do and hating everything around me). But that's just something that works for me... I'm more comfortable structured than not.

[Moxie]

I don't regret for an instant rocking him to sleep when he needed it, or lying on the floor of his room when he needed that to fall asleep. He goes off to sleep happily and cheerfully on his own now, at not-quite-3. I would have sorely regretted it if I had pushed him into being too independent too early and had a kid who needed more than I'd given and now couldn't go to sleep on his own.

I don't regret giving him a pacifier when he showed all the signs of needing one. It gave him more sucking than I could provide. When he didn't need it anymore he stopped using it.

I'm going to raise this next one the exact same way--give all the love and comfort the baby needs at the beginning, bceause when they're ready it'll be easier for them to be independent. They'll never remember whether I rocked them or not--but they'll remember whether or not they felt secure.

I'll tell you what I *do* regret: taking a book contract that was due when he was 14 weeks old, so I was up every night for weeks until 3 am trying to write a stupid book I didn't care about and feeling like I was a horrible writer and awful mother. That stressed me out more than I had any idea it would. I'm taking a break from work for the first couple of months with the next one.

I also regret buying baby socks in more than one color, because inevitably they get lost and then you have non-matching socks. It's all-white for this next kid.

[Celeste]

I really freaked myself out about a lot of stuff. They need to be picked up when they cry, but you don't have to break your ankle running to get them. I learned that turning down the maternal anxiety machine is healthiest for the whole family. ;o)

[Melissa]

I agree with Bee. I started rocking my son to sleep because he was colicy and seemed to need it. But I was still rocking him to sleep at three years old. Although initially I liked the time where it was quiet and I could reflect on my day, it just seemed to not fit in the schedule anymore. I also regret not being "sillier" with him when he was little. I was a teenager when he was born, and I still had a lot to learn about being a person, much less being a parent. He's thirteen now, and I've been trying to get pg for the last four years with no luck. I have learned to worry less about things that I can't control, and pick my battles over the things he wants to control. This was also true when he was a lot smaller.

[katie]

What everyone else said....we mommy guilt ourselves into an early grave. You've got a very important element and that my dear, is friends. Friends saved my life more than once.

[JenL]

I'm going with the worry less/less guilt vote.

I also think I am going to try to be less vocal with my frustration when the newest/last baby gets to walking/talking stage. Because, as fun as it is to tell the story of my oldest telling me that NO, *I* was the one being "'noxious" when she was 19 months old...it's really difficult to hear from her now that she's 14, Ya know?

Tongue control. Learn it now, model it later. ;-)

Oh and the other thing I am going to offer is to remember how resilient kids in general are. Sing the "This too shall pass" song along with "Good enough is good enough" Both of them will get you far.