I wish I’d never……..

I was chatting to a now pg IF friend of mine, telling her that one of the hardest things about being a new mom is that I have no idea if what I am doing is right.  I am so scared that in one, two, five or ten years time I was going to say ‘I wish I had never ….. (co-slept / demand fed / fed on schedule / smacked / not smacked / rocked to sleep etc).  Am I being too soft, too hard? Not strict enough? Etc etc.

I am so scared I am inadvertently making a terrible mistake, one (or several) which I will sorely regret later.  (Little niggling fear about letting them go to sleep in my arms before putting them down, but cant seem to find alternative).

As we spoke about a while ago, one of the losses of the modern world is that new mothers are no longer surrounded by communities of experienced mothers, grannies, aunts etc who would provide this advice and support. 

Luckily one of the great spin offs of the Internet is that we are able to provide some semblance of this in the form of virtual communities, like bulletin boards, blogs etc.

So dear experienced mothers, aunts and grannies, I am looking to you as my virtual community, your collective words of wisdom are once again required:

If you look back now (one month, one year, 10 / 20 years down the line), what do you wish you had not done?  What / how could I learn from your mistakes? 

Comments

[Jody]

Hmmm. Well, I don't regret AT ALL rocking/nursing to sleep, because now my babies are four and it's almost heartbreaking, how long ago their baby days were. I honestly regret not picking them up MORE, especially during the earliest months, when I was still in my "don't hold the multiple-birth babies too much or they'll get too demanding of attention and you'll never get a moment's peace" phase. They were teeny tiny babies--when will I EVER again get to bask for hours in that warm sweet scent on the top of their fuzzy heads or that breath of heaven from their tiny toothless never-tasted-solids mouths?

Concretely, I wish I had learned all the tricks to make our stroller infant-friendly and gone for walks EVERY DAY. Go at 6am or 8pm if necessary (because of heat), but GO. Get out of the house and WALK. Funny you should ask this, because I was just yesterday remembering some infant stroller outing and aching to realize how much better it would have been if I'd known to remove the bumper bars and snap up the leg-rests so the whole thing turned into a three-piece infant bed.

I also regret not hiring a cleaner or a mother's helper who would stay for more months (you've got that covered) and I regret not taking more photos of me with the babies and I regret not taking more photos in the NICU. Hmmm. I regret not seeking out more support for breastfeeding. Let's see: stroller/walks, breastfeeding, paid help, holding 'em more, and photos ... I think that about covers it.

One thing I wish I'd LEARNED sooner: just at the point when you don't think you can stand for one more second the horrible phase you're in, it will change. Just when you think you've got everything figured out, it will change. For the first year, every six weeks or so, quite a bit/almost everything will change. So freaking out because you've made some crucial mistake or laid down the foundation for some ruinous bad habit is probably/definitely a huge waste of energy.

[Dana]

When my son was a baby, the only way he could fall asleep was either in our arms or nursing, so that's what we did. He slept in our bed for the first year. I used to think I regreted handling his sleep issues that way, but he is now a 3 year old who sleeps in a regular bed in his own room, AND has a very close relationship with both my husband and me and loves to snuggle, so it turns out that I wouldn't have had it any other way. My 3 week old daughter now sleeps with us, and cuddles and nurses to sleep - ON PURPOSE.

The moral is - don't worry so much. The only thing you HAVE to do "right" is love your children. Everything else will work itself out.

[Lori]

I wish I hadn't spoiled my kids so much. Even though at the time, I didn't think of it as spoiling. I now have a 9 and 7 yr. old who still need me to brush their teeth, pick out clothes, etc. because I never taught them how. I always thought that if I did it for them, they would match, and their teeth would be perfect. Now I'm regretting it!

As far as babyhood goes, I would say that I regret holding my first until he went to sleep and going to his every whimper. W/my second, I regret not holding him enough. Sure, I held him "enough", but I had a 17mo. old to take care of, and I just didn't have time to hold him like I really wanted to. I still regret it. He's like velcro to me now though!

I'm pregnant now, and I'm so worried that I am going to either a)spoil this one or b)not spoil him/her enough. So I suppose that worry never ends!

I wouldn't stress over feedings, or diapers, or silly things that always work themselves out like that. The kids will be fed, and they will be changed (no matter if you buy the cheap diapers or not!), and they will be bathed. Worrying yourself about getting to them immediately isn't good for you! If it helps, hum or sing when you are preparing their food/getting things ready for a bath so you don't hear them. I would kind of chant "Mommy's coming, mommy loves you, be patient." And it helps. You're doing a wonderful job!

[Carol]

With my first, we let her random schedule run our lives. I would nurse her to sleep, then carefully, painstakingly, carry her to her crib, trying not to alter her coordinates in space so that I didn't disturb her. If she woke up and cried, I would carry her around and rock her until she fell asleep. If she didn't want to nap, I'd deal with it, which usually meant carrying around a cranky baby all day.

I decided in retrospect that this was as much of a disservice to her as to my husband and me. With my second, who is now 6 months, we finally just decided that he would adapt to our schedule and not vice versa. He had been sleeping horribly at night, with the result that my husband and I had to trade off nights of getting up 7 or 8 times to shove the pacifier back in his mouth when he woke up at night and cried. We were exhausted. So we Ferberized him (did that link work?). It took only 3 nights. He took to it well, and now he sleeps really well and is happier during the day. We sleep well and get up when we're ready, not when he loses his binky. My daughter sleeps better because she doesn't hear him wake up constantly. I'm a better mother to both of them during the day, and a happier wife.

So I guess what I've learned is that even though they look fragile and vulnerable, babies really are pretty adaptable. And their wants aren't always their needs.

[Zoot]

My son is 10 now. We are SOOOOO close. I'm glad I co-slept for the first three months and VERY glad I let him cry himself to sleep the short while following. He has ALWAYS Had the best sleep habits of any child I know.

I'm glad I didn't stress out about matching outfits and cute shoes. I'm glad I watched TV WITH him and didnt leave him a lone in front of it.

In reality? I dont have any regrets - and you won't either.

(back to lurking)

[Kay]

You'll never be able to truly "learn" from other's mistakes - only your own. We all make them. It's part of being a Mommy. Each baby is different and each mommy is different. For every "I wish I'd never...." you will find an "I wish I had..." You do what works for you at the time. Hindsight is always 20/20 as the saying goes and there is no way to act now on what you *might* feel in the future. Just go with it. You're doing great. Kate and Adam are healthy and growing. A year from now when they are into everything and don't want to be held - you will long for the times you had to hold them all night. It's all part of the process. You'll get there. You are a great Mommy!

[margaret]

Long time reader - first time poster. When my older son was 18 and had left for college I had an (almost) irresistable urge to stop all parents with little children and urgently tell them--your time with your children is so short; you have no idea. Try as hard as possible to really BE there with them. Don't always be thinking of what's next--when will they sit up by themselves; when will they walk, talk, date, use drugs..whatever. I wasn't very good at this, but my children are 25 and 20 now so they made it through whatever mistakes we, as parents, made. And mistakes were made - definitely. When they were little we found a community of good information in the day-care center they both attended. After that it was harder. But having children made us LESS judgemental of other people. Pre-children we felt free to say things like, "Oh, I would NEVER do that." Post-children we could see better why people made some of the choices they did. It was a humbling experience (and still is). Just try to do the best you can (the old "good enough parenting theory") and never be afraid to admit you made a mistake and try something else. Rigidity is real problem.

Good luck and I envy your ability to solicit information from your readers.

And get as much sleep as you can. Sleep deprivation can made for poor decision making skills. (How's that for an impossible suggestion to someone who has little babies).

[Aurora]

I, of course, agree with the less worrying statements of many of the mothers above. i have three children. The youngest is just three months and I find that what we do and don't do is a reflection of what we did or didn't do with the other two. I think with the first, I was worried about her hurting herself, but now I realize that there is no way to protect them from bumps or falling down. All children are going to do that. I think what I would do differently is to never start yelling to make myself heard. Set the guidelines early, be consistant and keep your word or they walk all over you. I learned that one with my first. Never again.

[Sara]

I really wish I'd not spent so much time with #1 worrying about what he SHOULD be doing - especially in the sleep department. "He should be napping at least x times! He should be napping for at least X minutes! He should be asleep by 7pm!"

I wish I'd just revelled in his infancy and not stressed the tiny details, because it went so fast, and the whole sleep thing settled down, in the end, in spite of anything I did.

I wish I'd spent more time "in the moment" rather than stressing about what was coming around the bend, about what I had to do to get ready for the next phase. I wish I'd spent more of the time that I rocked him to sleep just smelling his little head and memorizing the look of him sleeping in my arms, rather than thinking that maybe I was setting up a bad habit or not doing something right.

I don't regret rocking to sleep AT ALL. I regret I let myself be made to feel bad for doing it.

[Jennifer]

I wish I would have trusted myself more and known what a great job I was really doing! (hint hint!!)
The great (or not so great) thing about children is that no 2 are alike. What works for one might not work for the other.
YOU, my dear, ARE doing a GREAT job!! Keep going forward, don't look back! In 10 yrs your kiddos will look back and know they have the best mommy!!

[Woodys Girl]

You've already gotten good advice, but I'm going to come at it from another angle...

Things I am GLAD that I did. :-)

From the very beginning, since Lindsay was a newborn, I have ALWAYS taken her places with me. I've never been the kind of mom who had to find someone to watch the baby while I ran errands or met a friend for lunch. Yes, it might have been "easier" to do thing by myself, but the benefit has proven to be invaluable. I now have a preschooler who has always been very manageable in social situations, impressing waitstaff at fancy restaurants with her excellent behavior and table manners. Lindsay is a young lady who I can count on to behave in public, because she's had so much exposure since a young age!

Granted, as an infant, there were difficult moments. Like when she no longer could/would sleep "anywhere" but was terribly interested in her surroundings (yet tired!). Or when she was learning to walk, and wanted to try out her new skill rather than sit still in a highchair. But practice makes perfect, and I didn't let the struggles put me off from taking her places with me. :-)

I'm also very glad that I've spent so much time talking to her, reading to her, and generally interacting with her. That said, I DID always make time for myself, and also let Lindsay (and Ellie, and Samantha) learn to play by themselves. In no way have I been an "all-consumed" mother, who spends every waking moment trying to educate/entertain my children. There is GREAT benefit to helping them learn to be self-entertaining.

In a nutshell, I think mothers are destined to question everything they do - worrying/wondering if they could be doing it better, somehow. Just do whatever feels right for YOU, Tertia, and rest assured that - ultimately - your beautiful children are going to turn out just fine. :-)

XOXOXO
Jennifer

[Adelaide]

Do you mean "smack" as in "hit"? Or is there a cultural difference to the meaning of the word? If you mean "smack" as in "hit", please don't. If you need to discipline your children there are other ways to do it. Dealing with small children who misbehave can be very frustrating, but the sight of an adult actually hitting a small child is a terrible thing to see and a terrible thing for the chilld to experience.

[Susie]

The only thing I think I would do differently is something you have already done: I would have reached out more and admitted I was having a hard time adjusting to life with a colicky newborn. If I had known then that my feelings were so common, I might have been more willing to not be seen as perfect (not that anyone in their right minds was thinking that anyway, but what did I know, I was out of my mind) and would probably have felt a little relief.

As for actual parenting, however, I don't know that I have many regrets. I suppose there are single instances I regret, like losing my temper now and then or something, but as far as basic parenting goes, I truly believe that you just find your groove and go with it. If everyone raised their kids the same way, we'd have an awfully dull world. Really, what would be the point? If we give our children some love and guidance and point them in the right direction, they'll generally do fine. And if I'm wrong...well, I'll stick another quarter in the Therapy Jar, just in case.

I think you're awesome, as do, apparently all of your Friends In the Computer. Keep up the good work.

[Charlise]

I do wish that I had relished every moment with my daughters - good and bad. I can hardly remember the first year for either of them, and it makes me a bit sad. I was so worried all of the time, that I forgot to enjoy it. I know there were wonderful times and I let them slip by... Don't let the times slip by.

[-A-]

My daughter is only 18 months old, so I still have plenty of time to screw her up. :) There are only a couple of things that I look back on with regret at this point.
One is comparing her to other children. Every child is different. I always told myself that I wouldn't let it bother me if another child her age was doing more (rolling over sooner, walking sooner, and now talking sooner). But, at first it really bugged me. I don't know when the turning point hit, but I don't worry about it anymore. I just wish I had relaxed and enjoyed her more.
The second is the dummy. We can't seem to get rid of that thing. (Yes, I am an American who calls the pacifier a dummy -- my DH heard it referred to that way when my daughter was only a couple of days old, and it stuck. Try getting a preschool teacher to understand that when she says "Duh-duh" at naptime, she wants a pacifier. They've never heard it referred to that way.) Anyway, I digress--my only advice is to get rid of the bottle and the dummy as soon as they are showing signs of wanting to give them up. But, if they don't, don't stress about that either. :) If the worst thing that I ever do to my daughter is let her keep the dummy a little longer, I'm doing well! :) Surely, she'll give it up before kindergarten, right? :)

[Elizabeth]

The one thing I regret doing is spending so much time "tandem pumping" (nursing on one side, pumping on the other). Yes, it let my older son get only breastmilk for a longer time. But I wish I had just enjoyed the moment more and not been fussing around with tubing and flanges.

Yeah, I wish I had worried less, but I think that's a lesson you need to learn by doing.

[blueolive]

I don't have kids yet, but I have to say that "Chez Miscarriage's" post about Mothering today sounds bang on. My five siblings and I were exposed to "moderate risk factors", namely a really awful, ugly divorce in which our mother ultimately walked out on us (I was 12, the youngest was 2). It was really tough for a lot of years, but we're turning out great, all of us. Loving, close to each other, and productive members of our communities.

Even though my mom did that awful thing so many years ago, I still love her and I have come to understand her. She’s human, she made mistakes. I’m still glad my genes are 50% hers.

My point is that kids can be so resilient. I guess it's a 'trust your gut' kind of thing - we each know how we want to parent, as long as the parenting meets 'adequate standards’ of care. I have a feeling from reading your blog you will far exceed “adequate”, Tertia.

[Kathy]

The best advice I got was: "Just remember, the baby doesn't know any more about being a baby than you do about being her mom. You'll figure it out together."

Did I make mistakes? Sure!

What would I have changed? 24-years later I can honestly say NOTHING.

Sometimes I rocked her to sleep, sometimes I didn't. Sometimes I picked her up right away when she cried, sometimes I let her fuss (never a full-on 'cry-it-out' though.) She always slept in her own bed in her own room (yes, from day 1.)

RELAX!

[Lisa]

I wish I had worried less. Seriously. I still spend so much time contemplating if I am doing this or doing that right.
I did some things wrong in infancy, like with sleeping, and had to undo them. BUT I don't know if there is a right way. It's trial and error with each child.
Now seeing the big picture, my children are 13,10,7 and 2, I realize EVERYONE eventually sleeps through the night, is weaned from breast or bottle, is potty trained, learns to read, ties their shoes, learns their multiplication facts, on and on. All those things stressed me out big time. Sleepless nights, distracted conversations. You do the best you can, you help your children however you can and realize that much of who they are does the rest.
I think the most important things to teach are compassion and responsiblity and manners. Honestly, if you do that, you are an amazing mom, and your children will do well in society. Those three things I have done right so far. People compliment me on my kids behavior all the time. Their athletic skills? Not so much. Their academic skills? Somtimes need extra help. However they are good, kind people, and that is what I did right.

[j]

I agree with the other posters who said that they wish they'd worried less. You are doing fine, and whatever you are doing wrong, or right, or somewhere in between, won't matter much in a few years.

Now, with my son, I worried if he cried. I hated for him to cry, thought I wasn't doing my job as a mother if he cried. As a result, I rocked him to sleep, nursed him in the middle of the night, etc. forever. His going-to-sleep rituals got longer and longer. I thought parents who let their kids cry it out were evil. Well, now with my twins, I worry a lot less if they cry. Crying is what babies do, and when you have twins and a toddler, and only two arms, someone has got to cry sometimes. You can either cry about it, or laugh about it. I choose to laugh. So, with my girls, we don't rock them to sleep and sing them to sleep, as sweet as that can be. When it is time for bed, in their cribs they go, with a kiss and a cuddle, and a nighty-night, and they cry. They cry loud. Every night. For five minutes. Maybe 10. And then they lay down and go to sleep.

If only I'd let my son cry for 5 or 10 minutes, I wouldn't have had to rock him and sing to him for an hour every night. He probably eventually would have laid down and gone to sleep, just like they do. They are not suffering from the crying. They are just testing the world a little, seeing who is in charge, and finding out that mom and dad are in charge. With my son, he tested the world and found out that he was in charge.

Now, I think I made a mistake with my son, but it doesn't matter. He is now 3.5, and I don't have to rock him or cuddle him any more. We put on his pj's, brush is teeth, read him a book, kiss him goodnight, and turn out the light. He is a good sleeper now, so it doesn't matter that at 1.5 or 2 he wasn't. So my point is, do what you need to do, and don't worry about it. It all works out fine in the end.

[marisa]

after 6 1/2 yrs of IF, 3 m/c and 7 cycles, i wish i had not held my ds so much. he got so used to falling asleep in my arms. he'd fall asleep and i would put him in his crib. later when i started to go to work after one year of being on mat. leave, he'd wake up at about 3 am out of habit. i was the type that if i was up for more than 10 minutes, i couldn't fall asleep anymore. it would take him at least 30 min. to fall asleep again, so i got very tired, very fast for lack of sleep.
so i started take ds to bed with me after he woke up so that he would fall asleep real quick and i could sleep. (you'll do anything for sleep at this point).
now he's 3. sleeps with us - not good. on week ends, we put him in his own bed after he falls asleep in ours, and then at around 3 am, he wakes up and wants to come to our bed.
all the books said you couldn't spoil a child by holding him too much up to the age of 3 months - - this is not true, you do spoil them, and now it's to late.

[Barbara]

I'm in the granny category, as my younger child will celebrate his 30th birthday tomorrow. I wish I hadn't worried so much with the first one, who was very colicy in the evenings. I wish I had insisted that they help pick toys and their rooms more. Honestly, that is really the only thing I would do differently, as they are not tidy or neat today as adults. At the time, it seemed to take too much energy to make them help with the cleaning, it was easier to do it myself. One thing I really did do right (for me and my children) was have a scheduled bedtime routine--bath, brushing teeth, bedtime story, and prayers. They were in bed at 7:30 pm and I had the rest of the evening to relax. They got up at 6:00 am, but I never really minded that.
A lot of things that parents do today, like co-sleeping and taking babies to restaurants, weren't common practices then,so I didn't have to decide what to do about those things.

[Laura]

I wish I would have put my child down for naps early on (like the first few weeks!) instead of carrying her around in a bjorn or having her sleep on me. I wish I would have not given her bread products until she was well established in eating non-pureed veggies. But who knows if any small change would really have made a difference. All I know is someone once said don't parent in fear or something, and I try to follow that idiom.

[Melissa]

I definitely wouldnt have allowed the little buggers to sleep with or on me for as long as I did. They are ten and seven now and are just now starting to fall asleep on their own. Ick.

[Tine]

I can honestly say the only thing I regret is trying to finish editing a book during the first month of my son's life. Yes--editing a full-length book while getting no sleep, trying to recover, learning to breastfeed, etc., etc., etc. Looking back, I am appalled at my idiocy. What a stupid, stupid woman!

I know I've made plenty of other mistakes, but that's the only one I really kick myself for--torturing myself over something so inconsequential instead of focusing 100% on my baby and myself. Life is too short, and I can't get that time back.