Star Signs

Apologies to all those I failed to offend earlier.  Here are your horoscopes in full.

ARIES
You tend to be headstrong and deliberate in your actions. Basically you don't give a fuck about anyone. Most people hate you but you couldn't care less. You're the type of person who would masturbate at a wedding

TAURUS
Warm and caring are your most endearing characteristics. You get on well with most people because you're bisexual. You hardly ever wear underwear and you constantly smell of piss.

GEMINI
Your star sign denotes an air of duality in your character. Simply, you're a neurotic schizophrenic. A real fucking weirdo, the type of person who'd kill them self to win a bet.

CANCER
You have a businesslike attitude to life and a knack for making money. You're an unscrupulous bastard who would sell relative's limbs to buy a mobile phone. You are likely to be murdered.

LEO
The adventurous type, always looking for thrills and willing to try anything. In other words, stupid. You have the IQ of a garden snail and will never amount to anything. Most Leos are living on the welfare.

VIRGO
You like the good things in life and you know how to enjoy them. But you're prone to bullshitting and you're a cheap bastard. Virgo men are usually queers and the majority of Virgo women are whores.

LIBRA
You are the forgiving type and you don't bear grudges. This makes you an asshole. For your entire life people will make a complete prick out of you. Nobody will go to your funeral.

SCORPIO
You are sharp, a quick thinker and good at puzzles. However these are your only good traits. You screw small animals and love picking your nose. You should become a stunt performer with no helmet.

SAGITTARIUS
You are gorgeous and divine and everybody wants to be like you.  However other jealous signs will say that you are the romantic mushy type, soft-hearted and a lover of the arts. You are likely to import Dutch pornography and sex toys. Men even willing to rent Sleepless In Seattle to increase your odds for a romp in the sack.

CAPRICORN
You are deep and personal in your thoughts, the quiet type. A mean self-centered cunt and a closet homosexual. Your best friend is probably an altar boy.

AQUARIUS
You are the academic type and will probably end up working in the legal system. This means you are an absolute pervert, at the least a transvestite. Your ideal sexual partner is a Labrador puppy wearing fishnet tights.

PISCES
You are the eternal optimist, seeing the best of any situation. You have no grasp of reality and live in a dream world. Most people consider you to be the greatest living moron. You will continually fail. You're a prick.

Edited to say these are not my own, I got them off the Net. Just in case you think I wrote them up ;-)

Comments

[Joy]

Right on, Tertia!!! This is the best daily horoscope I have read thus far. At four months of pregnancy, for this Taurean, I DO smell like piss (ye olde bladder lets me down). I might as well NOT be wearing underwear because it hardly covers my expanding ass. I think you should consider astrology part-time....*smiles*
Keep on blogging...

[Alana]

I feel so much less offended now. You should do a weekly horoscope. Good stuff. And you nailed pisces (my ex is one) right on the head. How did you know about my nose picking enjoyment though? You're like psychic, right?

[Erin]

Woo hoo! I'm a Libra, so I am a selfish, slutty ... ASSHOLE. How perfect a description is that? So if anything you ever possibly write in all of your life offends me, I will of course forgive. That's what we Libra chicks do. Besides, I'll probably be laughing too much to notice it would offend me. ;-)

[Lioness]

Whaat?? NO chandelier sex for Pisces, just good-will? BLAH. And doesn't everyone masturbate at weddings?

Now I need to climb up there and smack Alana across the mouth. If you'll excuse me.

[Alana]

stop making me giggle dammit. I'm supposed to be having a bad day.

[jenny]

You forgot how easily hurt and oversensitive us Cancers are, and how we are stubborn and never want to leave the house. Come on, now! Get it right....

LOL

[asil]

Personally, I'm offended that Pisces is always at the bottom. I'm sure there's some astrological reason that I'm always at the bottom (geeze, just like in real life), but I'm offended. How's that for seeing the best of any situation?!

Please don't stop blogging. I start my workday by reading your blog, so you're like my morning coffee!

[Diana]

Tertia, I never believed in signs, but this describes me to a tee:
AQUARIUS
You are the academic type and will probably end up working in the legal system. This means you are an absolute pervert, at the least a transvestite. Your ideal sexual partner is a Labrador puppy wearing fishnet tights.

Lol!

[Stephanie]

Who wants a labrador puppy in fishnets? Please, a hound dog in seamed sheer stockings is SO much better ;-)

[Boulder]

My husband begs to differ.

He says, "no way you can be called a whore with the amount of sex going on in this house."

You are still a bitch.

[Jan]

You described me as an anal whore. If only I knew that before - I could have made far more money than being an attorney for the last 15 years. sigh......

[Tine]

Hey, you called me (a Libra) an asshole! Coming from you, I know that's high praise. :)

[SheilaC]

If you believe that astrology stuff, then people of the same sign are not compatible and should never marry. Ooops! I am Aries, DH is Aries, and our triplets were born prematurely and fell into the Aries category as well. That's right, 5 of us the same sign under one roof. Supposed to be constant war, right?
No wonder nobody ever invites us to their weddings. LOL!
Very silly, thanks for posting.

[Jan]

Here's another anal whore named Jan. It certainly does keep one tied up in knots.

[Lioness]

Pisces = NOT pricks, Pisces = prick-TEASERS.

Surely that's what you meant.

[Tracey Dixon]

You nailed me!!! LOL

You know, I really don't understand people who come into another person's territory (read: blog) and then feel they need to inform the writer that they were offended.

HELLO! If you don't like what was written, then don't come back! It wasn't written TO YOU - it was written in a general sense.

ACK! Seeing all your apologies frustrated me for you, my dear. THIS IS YOUR BLOG. If people don't like what you say, there are thousands of other blogs out there to read. Heck, they can come read the crap my junior high kids blog about. That's a load of boring, inoffensive, dry crap to read... but you won't get "offended".

Sigh. I'm sorry you have to put up with this.

XOXO

[Judy]

"A mean self-centered cunt..."

I'm a capricorn, and I try hard not to be this, but it is okay if I call my SIL one of these? She's a Pisces but fits this bill perfectly!

[Judy]

Oh yeah, the Pisces write up fits my SIL to a T. Moron should be her middle name.

Do ya think I have issues with her??? NAHHHHHHH!!!!!!

[Blair]

As a fellow sag, I would also mention that the "horrorscope" (that is intended to be funny) failed to mention the sag tendency to take things way too personally...

[dish]

Well, this Gemini is terribly offended...or am I? Hmmm, so hard to make up my mind.

[Jaine]

Neurotic? Yes. Schitzophrenic? Hmmm...not sure. Shut up! Shut up! Stop talking to me..."sometimes I feel more fulfilled, making Christmas cards with the mentally ill..." (tsk, tsk, did I offend anyone?) A fucking weirdo? Totally and proudly.

[Ninotchka]

Hey, I'm a Sag too and also brutally honest and yes, it gets me in trouble quite often. But, what can you do? :)

[Melissa]

Ha! Those are funny. My husband and I saw a version years ago and mine had "Most Scorpios are murdered." He still says that to me every now and then. I know it sounds horrible, but it's funny to us because those things made us laugh and laugh.

And yes, I think most Americans are overly sensitive. I'm American so I'm judging myself as well, but I think it's true.

[Tree]

LOVE, LOVE, LOVE IT!

And please DO NOT quit blogging!!! I love you and those G&D babies too much and would miss you terribly!

[Stacey]

small animals?

I SCREW BIG ONES THANK YOU VERY MUCH!! I'M SO OFFENDED BY THIS POST I'M NEVER READING THIS BLOG EVER AGAIN!!

;)