Star Signs

Apologies to all those I failed to offend earlier.  Here are your horoscopes in full.

ARIES
You tend to be headstrong and deliberate in your actions. Basically you don't give a fuck about anyone. Most people hate you but you couldn't care less. You're the type of person who would masturbate at a wedding

TAURUS
Warm and caring are your most endearing characteristics. You get on well with most people because you're bisexual. You hardly ever wear underwear and you constantly smell of piss.

GEMINI
Your star sign denotes an air of duality in your character. Simply, you're a neurotic schizophrenic. A real fucking weirdo, the type of person who'd kill them self to win a bet.

CANCER
You have a businesslike attitude to life and a knack for making money. You're an unscrupulous bastard who would sell relative's limbs to buy a mobile phone. You are likely to be murdered.

LEO
The adventurous type, always looking for thrills and willing to try anything. In other words, stupid. You have the IQ of a garden snail and will never amount to anything. Most Leos are living on the welfare.

VIRGO
You like the good things in life and you know how to enjoy them. But you're prone to bullshitting and you're a cheap bastard. Virgo men are usually queers and the majority of Virgo women are whores.

LIBRA
You are the forgiving type and you don't bear grudges. This makes you an asshole. For your entire life people will make a complete prick out of you. Nobody will go to your funeral.

SCORPIO
You are sharp, a quick thinker and good at puzzles. However these are your only good traits. You screw small animals and love picking your nose. You should become a stunt performer with no helmet.

SAGITTARIUS
You are gorgeous and divine and everybody wants to be like you.  However other jealous signs will say that you are the romantic mushy type, soft-hearted and a lover of the arts. You are likely to import Dutch pornography and sex toys. Men even willing to rent Sleepless In Seattle to increase your odds for a romp in the sack.

CAPRICORN
You are deep and personal in your thoughts, the quiet type. A mean self-centered cunt and a closet homosexual. Your best friend is probably an altar boy.

AQUARIUS
You are the academic type and will probably end up working in the legal system. This means you are an absolute pervert, at the least a transvestite. Your ideal sexual partner is a Labrador puppy wearing fishnet tights.

PISCES
You are the eternal optimist, seeing the best of any situation. You have no grasp of reality and live in a dream world. Most people consider you to be the greatest living moron. You will continually fail. You're a prick.

Edited to say these are not my own, I got them off the Net. Just in case you think I wrote them up ;-)

Comments

[Louise]

Wow, the Aries horoscope was spot-on for this little ram. In fact, I am going to two weddings this summer, and I plan on masturbating at both of them. Twice.

:)

[Irina]

You're doing a great job! (at blogging, I mean, not offending) : ) Keep it up! By the way, I'm American and I love unPC stuff! Stay yourself!

[Jenny]

I'm sorry, but I can't help but giggle at the PETA hatemail you are sure to get with all the sex w/ animals references.

Tertia, I think you are G&D!

[Jen-earthchild]

I am a true Gemini...I did kill myself to win a bet once and I fucken lost! How is that for irony?

ROTFLMAO T!!!

[Lily]

Just write whatever you want with no explanations and fuck anyone who gets offended. Ignore them.
I'm serious. I'm so sick of everything having to be worded so perfectly because some prissy loser is going to get their panties in a bunch over every little detail.

[susan]

You nailed me (Taurus) for sure.

Wanted to respond to your last post too. Anyone who reads regularly knows you're being funny when you talk about how gorgeous and divine you are, simply because of *the way* you say it. Regardless of what you look like, you're an articuate writer. Your sense of humor comes across clearly.

And please - before you ever think of stopping to blog (stopping blogging just didn't sound right. sort of like stopping smoking. anyway...) just close the comments sections on every post except those where you're specifically asking for feedback.

That's what I've noticed a lot of my favorite bloggers end up doing eventually anyway. Some people just don't know how to "read" humor and some simply have no sense of humor to start with.

Don't waste another precious minute explaining yourself or apologizing to them when you could be spending it making me happy (by posting) or spending time with your chillens.

[See? And you thought it was all about you. Wrong. It's all about me. Yes, even your blog is all about me. That is all.]

Love you T. Keep on abloggin.

[lynne]

I can't believe that people get their knickers in a twist daily over something you've written in your blog. By golly, if you don't like someone's point of view on life (and I think your splendid by the way) don't read their blog. Do people realy think whiney/offensive emails to the offender are really going to change someone's opinion? But what do I know I'm a neurotic, confused Gemini...

[scott]

Damn. Now my secret is out. Thanks Tertia. From someone born on the 30th of November...

[Jill]

I get offended easily. Actually, it is more like I get my feelings hurt easily. Nothing you have ever written bothered me. And if it did? Well, here's an idea - I would stop reading! Why don't the offendees think of that? Because they would rather whine about being offended than look elsewhere.

This post was terrific. As was the one before that. And the one before that. And the one.......

[Karinsamira]

HAHAHAHAHA!!

That was a funny one!
Oh, please don't stop blogging, that would be such a loss. I mean, if anyone feels offended, then he or she could just skip the post. Anyway it is your blog, write whatever you want!

Karinsamira

[Michele]

I'm a Cancer, and that horoscope is dead on. I did sell my younger brother's left leg to make enough moolah for my cell phone.

[Tammy]

Tertia,

I have read my horoscope several times throughout the day, and each time it got an equally wonderful laugh. You are, hands down, one of the funniest people I've ever read. I'm all the way in Alabama, USA and I can't do without my daily dose of Tertia!!

[Mary]

I do like to screw small animals....

[Kathleen]

Finally! A Virgo horoscope (whore-o-scope?) that describes me perfectly!

[cursingmama]

I dunno - I'm a Gemini and it totally didn't mention the two-faced bitch part, I think they could use a little more work.*
*Typed with a Heaping Helping of Sarcasm**
**Will we ever get past needing to footnote when a heaping helping of sarcasm has been dealt?***
***Of course you are G&D so you read the sarcasm, but in case someone thinks I am serious; well, I felt the need to footnote.

[Bridgette]

Isn't it fabulous being a sag? Everyone is jealous of us. :0

Please, please don't stop blogging. I'm developing a nervous twitch just thinking about it. What would I do if there wasn't a daily note from you?

You are gorgeous and divine T!

[emma]

Hee. I'm a Leo on the cusp of Virgo (how the hell do I know that I wonder to myself); but reading this I'm definitely more Virgo.
I just told my man I'm a slut, and he's excited to get home tonight ;)

[Jess]

Delurking to say that I've been reading your blog for months and, despite being an American, I have managed to never once be offended. You rock! I love your posts and yours is the only blog that regularly has new posts! Reading your blog inspired me to start one of my own, and it's been so good for me to have that as an outlet...though I haven't had people sending me emails demanding I apologize either. I would say that in the future, unless you really feel that you said something out of line or something that could be truly misinterpreted, don't bother apologizing to the blog world or the asshat who's complaining. It only gives the whiners the attention they're craving. That's another thing about us Yanks, we ADORE attention, even if it's bad attention (as evidenced by our willingness to appear on shows like Jerry Springer). We're an odd lot, don't take it personally. :)

P.S.- The babes are absolutely beautiful! Getting so big so fast!!!

[Charmaine]

I LOVE you Tertia, you always make me smile and sometimes like today you just make me laugh like an idiot at the computer by myself and no one here knows what is wrong with me. You are the best not to mention G & D!

[dawna]

I'm a cancer, and what a hilarious horoscope. Honestly, I wish they were always that amusing. But, in reality, I totally suck at making money.

[21stCenturyMom]

All these years I thought I was a fuckwit and it turns out I'm a cunt. Who would have guessed?

[inkadinkadoo]

Short-time lurker here, typing with only one hand as I have one finger from the other hand up my nose...when I sent this one on to friends, I did move the Sag G&D to the beginning of my forecast - you nailed my Cap sister to the wall!

Adding two cents here: it is your blog, don't change it, don't apologize, eff 'em if they can't take a joke.

I get very offended by people who are easily offended.

[projgen]

See now, I woulda thought Cancer would be "you are likely to *commit* murder."

Huh. Guess that means I can stop paying my nerdy, non pre-paid hydro bill.

[bp]

Did i mention i am a libra in any of my other posts?

a RECOVERING libra. I'm currently in the flirtaholics twelve step program.

and tertia, ask any writer....controversy sells big time.

where's the book honey?

[z.]

and now i'm suppose to be a forgiving libran?? man! you're really destroying my life!! i should probably shout to you or something