Anti Depressants

I realized yesterday that I had unwittingly weaned myself off the anti depressants I had been taking for the last three years or so. I simply have forgotten to take them for the last month and a half.  And I feel totally fine.  It also made me realize how far I have come.

Before I encountered the joy that is infertility I used to secretly wonder if I wasn’t a bit superficial – I never seemed to hit the lows that some people reached.  I was mostly a happy skippy, if somewhat slightly odd person.

In fact, I was probably committed the cardinal sin of saying to a person who suffered from depression “but look at the positive stuff – you have so much to be grateful for”.  That’s like telling an infertile person to “just relax”.  Not only does it not help the situation one single iota, it is also completely counter-productive and just makes things worse.

Then along came infertility. The universe’s way of making sure I never said stupid things like that again. 

About two years into the whole rigmarole, things had gotten really bad.  The accumulation of pain, anger, fear, hopelessness, envy, suffering, anxiety etc etc had left me with an overwhelming sense of anger.  Anger so debilitating that it felt like it was consuming me.  After gentle yet persistent persuasion from my father, I went to see a psychologist.  I didn’t want to go, I thought ‘how the hell is this person going to help me?  Talking about it wont change my reality – my reality is that I want a child so desperately, and no matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to have one’. 

When the psychologist asked me to explain how I feel, I explained it like this:  I felt as if I had this black, oily monster that lived inside the cavity that housed my bruised and battered soul, inside my chest.  This monster was made up of all the pain and emotion I had been forced to keep inside me, but it was mostly made up of anger, of a black almost violent rage, against the universe, against my self, against my body, against fate/god/nature, I kept it inside me because I had no where to direct it.  And the monster kept growing, it was threatening to choke me.  I could feel it getting bigger and bigger, threatening to come up through my throat and spew out of my mouth.  I could hardly breathe.  It scared me.

I hated living like this, but I didn’t know what to do about it.  It affected all my relationships, I withdrew from every one except my husband.  Looking back now, I really appreciate the friends how stayed with me:  Belinda, Melany, Melanie – thank you for sticking with me.  I lost a lot of other friends during that time.  I can’t really blame them.

The psychologist diagnosed clinical depression.  And that made me feel even more depressed.  Yet another thing that infertility had fucked up in my life.  I had lost the person I used to be.  I remember having to go see a psychiatrist to get the prescription, he worked in a psychiatric ward in a local hospital.  I had to walk through the ward, looking at all those poor people, thinking ‘what the fuck has my life become’.  It was surreal then, it still feels surreal that that was me.

It was then that I realized that when you suffer from depression no amount of ‘looking at the positive’, or ‘being grateful for what you have’ changes how you feel.  Yes, I knew I had a lot to be grateful for. I had my health, I had a wonderful husband etc etc.  You know what, it didn’t make the pain of my situation any less.  Depression is not about being ungrateful – it has nothing to do with being grateful or aware of the positive. It is about an overwhelming feeling of despair, of helplessness.  Of deep sadness, of total hopelessness.  You can be depressed AND be grateful for what you do have.

I initially fought against using anti depressants (AD’s) – I thought only seriously ill people used them, I worried about getting addicted (I have a seriously addictive personality), I worried about walking around in a stupefied haze.

I needn’t have worried – those pills motherfucking rocked!!!  One of the best things I ever did was go on AD’s. It took about two weeks to kick in, but I felt like the old me.  Not spaced out, still saddened by what was happening to me, but that black oily monster?  That monster shrunk to the size of my fist.  It got bigger every now and then, with a failed cycle or whatever, but it no longer threatened to choke me. 

Then I got pg with the baby I named Hannah.  And I went off the pills.  All those anxious feelings came back.  I felt terrible.  But I didn’t want to be on the pills while I was pg. Even though the dr’s all told me the AD I was on was fine for TTC and while pg. (Prozac generic called Lilly-Fluoxetine). 

Then I miscarried.  And I went straight back on the pills. 

A few months, years (can’t even remember now) I got pg with the boys.  This time I weaned myself off the pills and I was fine.  I think the previous time had been too quick too soon.

Then I lost Luke.  Then Ben died.  And I went back on the pills.  It was also then that I understood for the first time why people commit suicide.  Previously I had always thought it was the ultimate cowardly act, and perhaps it still is, but when you are in such debilitating pain, you reach a point of such desperation that death seems like the only way to put a stop to the hurting. I used to fantasize about it, about how wonderful it would be to no longer be in pain.  What would happen if I just carried on driving straight…  All I wanted was to be with my son.  It was a very bad time for me.  Ultimately it was the knowledge that I couldn’t let my parents go through what I was going through with Ben that made me not do it.  But that was not depression, that was raw grief.  The pills eventually took the edge off the pain – the pain was still there, but I no longer thought about dying.  Well not often.

Five months later I was pg with K & A.  I tried 3 times to wean myself off the AD’s, but each time I got so anxious that I thought I wasn’t doing myself or the babies any favours by going off the pills.  And on the advice of my therapist and my psychiatrist (who both STRONGLY advised me to stay on the AD’s) I stayed on them.  I honestly don’t think I would have coped without them.

The psychiatrist was worried about me being at such high risk for PPD and advised me to stay on the pills for at least six months postpartum. 

And here I am, at least 6 weeks off the pills and feeling completely divine.

I know that AD’s are often prescribed too quickly and too freely, but I also think that AD’s have a stigma they don’t deserve.  They did wonders for me when I needed them.  I don’t need them now, and for that I am grateful.  But if I ever needed them in the future I would take them in a heartbeat.

I wanted to tell this story for a few reasons – to help de-stigmatise AD’s, to tell infertiles that you can (some are safe), and should if necessary, take AD’s if you suspect that you might be suffering from depression (which would be no bloody surprise!), to tell people that sometimes it is better to stay on them during your pg, if going off them means you will be too anxious or upset while you are pg (stress not good for the baby).  And to say that when you are ready, it is possible to come off them.

Remember depression is a chemical condition, and sometimes it needs a chemical intervention.  Sometimes all it needs is therapy, sometimes both.

The media loves to hype up the bad news stories – and there will always be some bad news stories – no pill or medical intervention works for EVERYONE.  But for a great majority of people, AD’s do a wonderful job of helping them cope when things become impossibly painful.  AD’s are not to be taken like headache pills, they are not there to put you in a good mood, or help you if you are merely feeling down.  But sometimes you need help beyond what your own resources can provide, and there is nothing wrong with asking for, and receiving it.

Comments

[chelsea]

Thank you for writing this. I took the exact same medication as you and it helped so much. AD's do have a stigma that they don't deserve. The only people that I ever told I took AD's were my sister and mother. Even now it is uncomfortable to talk about that time in my life with them. Anyway, good read. Thanks again.

[mamacrab]

What a brave, moving, and important post. Beautifully written. Thank you so much for sharing this. There is no doubt are helping other women by telling this story. Thank you Tertia!

[Woodys Girl]

I can totally relate, Tertia. I never felt so helpless and hopeless than when I suffered from PPD. If it weren't for Effexor, I'm not sure I'd be here today.

I'm so glad the meds helped bring you through an INCREDIBLY rough time in your life, and equally glad that you no longer need them. A&K are a drug in themselves, eh? Utterly intoxicating!

Thanks for bringing this subject to light.

[Bec]

Nicely said girl, nicely said.

:-)

[Kez]

Thank you for writing this post Tertia.

"Black, oily monster" is the best description of depression I've ever come across. Mind if I borrow it?

[Judy]

THis is an awesome post. Thank you so much for putting your story out there for everyone to read.

I would add a category to your poll on ADs...how about those of us who have never taken them but know we probably should have at some point (in retrospect)?

[ericalil]

Great post, Tertia. You will no doubt get tons of comments about how evil AD's are. Sure, some people can't tolerate them, and need to be watched very closely, but they save many others' lives, and thank goodness we have them.

I took them for about a year before I was married or knew I was infertile, and I'm so grateful, they gave me my life back, when all I could do before was cry... and cry... and cry.

I'm glad you wrote about this topic.

erica

[Anne]

You don't want to know me if I am not taking my pills. *I* don't want to know me if I am not taking my pills. The dark and scary places are one place that I never want to experience again. Unless you've sat in that place you cannot know what it is the live your life there. The sad thing is that for the first 21 years of my life I thought that was normal. Now, 14 years alter, I know that to be anxious all the time and to feel sick with an inner sadness that nothing can dispel, is not normal. Thank you, pills.

[Pam]

Tertia-
Thanks for sharing your story and helping spread the word about depression, PPD or otherwise.

Pam

[Anette]

Thank you.

[liz]

Thank you for posting this. Hugs.

[Lori]

Thank you! I have not read a better description of depression anywhere. I know a lot of people refuse to take the pills because it perhaps means failure to them. Or weakness or because they refuse to believe they are sick. But those who have used them all say it helped them get through so maybe some of us should listen!

[Jen]

Your post struck home with me. I too used to be that bubbly, almost annoyingly happy person. I don't even know where she is anymore. The tough thing for me is I have a BA in Psych, so I knew I was depressed this past winter. Did I go get help? Of course not. Starting my IVF cycle pulled me out of it because I had hope again. All winter long we couldn't afford to do any ART and it was killing me. I've decided that if this cycle doesn't work, I will go see someone, b/c I don't want to go back there again.

But thank you for sharing your story. It is important for people to hear that ADs can help.

[Ko]

Thank you for talking about this.

Unfortunatly ADs made me paranoid and violently ill so I had the pleasure of going straight onto lithium (it's a mood stabiliser rather than an AD). After my last miscarriage it saved my life and my marriage several times. Now I only take them when I feel myself sliding and I've learned how to manage the minor ups and downs I have without drugs.

I think it's awesome that you can talk about this Tertia, to show people that there is life after depression and if you just keep going one day at a time you will get through it.

[KelliAmanda]

Thank you, Thank you Tertia for posting this. I'm not an infertile (as far as I know), but I do battle depression. I found a drug that works for me, and it took trying quite a few, but once I found the one that worked - wow. Amazing difference. I know the drugs are not for everyone, but neither is therapy. Both work for me.

[DoctorMama]

Tertia, thanks for that fantastic post, and for the poll, both of which made me feel much more normal! I think that if people see that even Tertia, bubbly positive Tertia, had depression AND took ADs, anyone could. I'm another person who should have been on them since, oh, about age 8, but didn't discover them until I was in my late 20's. I tried to go off once, and remembered, oh right, that's the BAD place. Anyway, thanks.

[Jen]

You've got such a talent with words. Thanks, and I wonder if Tom Cruise would have an opinion on this post? Just began taking AD's after my latest diagnosis of Diminished Ovarian Reserve and High FSH back in March. I am so very glad I did...because last week, I had to have my ovary and tube removed..and Im not so sure Id be sitting here typing today, if I hadnt had the AD's in my life already. Sweet blowing kisses to you, my dear :)

[Faith]

Great post, Tertia!

[S]

I agree totally. It's people who are just having a bad month or two and go to pills before trying to work their problem out themselves that I worry about (often the problem is not as out of the person's control as yours was).

[Laura]

Thanks Tertia - really helpful post,
xx
Laura

[Jenn]

You really captured what depression is like.

I did want to say though, last time I checked, in the US Prozac is considered Category C (may cause harm in the baby, should only be used if risks clearly outweigh benefits). However Wellbutrin is category B, but for me increased my anxiety. Sigh.

[b]

love heals.

[Kay]

30 weeks preggo and on Zoloft 50mg. Safe for pregnancy and breastfeeding. ADs do help.

Great post!

[Hazel]

I wish I had been smart enough to realise I was depressed after we lost our first baby. Looking back, I think I probably had PPD after our son was born too. Well, I'm older and wiser now (or older and greyer at least) and I think I would recognise those feelings if I were to have them again and I know I would get help fast. Tertia, I’m not sure if you realise how helpful this post will be for so many people. It really is time for the stigma associated with depression and mental illness of all kinds to be lifted.
ThanksX.

[Rebekah]

Thank you so much for posting about this - there is a lot in the news over here from "celebrities" that trivialize the realities of PPD and Depression. It is a disease and an overwhelming one at that. Thank you for being so brave and speaking out about your situation. I think that the more people talk about it, the more people realize that they are not alone and that there are things (AD's) that will help. Thank you :)