Blogging Follies

You know what is so funny, is that when I have family or friends who live far away come visit me for a while, they nearly always say ‘I can’t wait to get back home so that I can check up on your blog and see what is happening in your life’. I think that is so funny!  These are people that have spent all this time with me in person, yet they want to get back to where ever they are from to catch up on my life on the Internet – hahaha!  It’s like my real life is less real, less interesting than my blog version.

As I have mentioned to you before, blogging has been fantastic for me.  I am not good at speaking about my feelings, I keep a lot of stuff inside.  Mostly because I don’t want to burden the other person.  Stupid I know, but that is me.  So blogging has been a great way for me to get all the things in my head and heart out there.

Also, as mentioned previously, I am very open and ‘out the closet’ about just about every thing in my life.  I have very few secrets, I have very few regrets.  I have given my blog address to just about every one, my sisters read it, my BIL’s read it, my SIL reads it, my brother reads it, some of my co-workers read it.  My friends read it, even my ob/gyn has read it.  And Marko also reads it very occasionally.  Just enough to keep me on my toes ;-)  This is good in a way, and not so good in a way (I can’t have a good old bitch about any one!).  Not that this has stopped me from being honest about how I feel.

However, apparently not every one in my life has the same philosophy as I do.  A person close to me has asked that I not speak about them on my blog.  I must admit I was stung when I heard that.  I hadn’t spoken ABOUT them as such, but rather about my feelings about something that had happened.  My first thought was ‘this is MY blog, what I write is honest and real’, my second thought was ‘I wish I hadn’t told you about my blog.  I shared this with you as an insight into my heart and mind’.  I can’t bullshit, I can’t portray someone to be something they aren’t – they read my blog, if I was talking shit they could take me to task.  I write about how I feel.  I would also never portray anyone in a way that made people dislike them.  I am not that type of person, I am not that type of blogger.  All I do is write about how I feel.

But I thought about it for a while, and I suppose I can’t expect other people to have the same open style I have.  If they don’t want to be mentioned on my blog I have to respect that.  It just stung a little. 

Then, yesterday my FIL told me he now reads my blog as well (GAWD, is there anyone who doesn’t read my blog).  He sent me a teasing note about something I had written about Marko.  He sent it in Afrikaans and I misunderstood it and completely freaked out, tears and hysterics included.  I phoned Marko and sobbed to him, Marko yelled at me, then phoned his father and yelled at him, then phoned his mother and yelled at her (poor MIL, not sure why she got yelled at), I phoned his sister and sobbed to her.  I eventually spoke to FIL who told me he was just teasing me.  I felt like a real idiot for freaking out.  My FIL LOVES to tease, I should have remembered that*.  Instead I totally over-reacted. 

It got me thinking – why am I so sensitive about people’s reaction to what I write, especially those close to me?  Why do I take it so personally when people call me out on what I have written, or ask me not to write about them?  After all, I am knowingly putting myself out there by writing stuff.

Also, do I need ask permission from other people in my life when I refer to them on my blog?  Marko is totally divine about it.  He doesn’t mind what I write.  He says he knows where I am coming from, and he also knows that even though I have a moan about him, it doesn’t mean any thing other than I am having a moan, which is what wives do.  We have a little moan about our husbands, its part of the job.  He told me he can ‘hear’ my voice when I write, he recognizes my teasing tone.

Marko and I spoke about it last night, about my reaction to the two incidents.  He was so divine.  He totally gets why I blog and how I blog.  I told him that these incidents have made me not want to write about stuff, he said to carry on being me and write about whatever I want to.  I do love that man.  A lot.  Will definitely keep him.

I don’t know why my reaction was so visceral.  There is something to this blogging thing, for me, that goes beyond mere writing stuff on the net. 

Blogging is like walking around in the nude, in a world where every one is clothed, there is nothing to hide behind and it is difficult not to take things personally. 

*Pa, ek is bly dat alles uitgesorteer is. Ek is jammer dat ek oorgereageer het.  Blameer dit op die hormone!  Met liefde.xxx

Comments

[pepper]

I love that you're open and honest - and brave.

Keep it up and bugger the doubters

[e]

And if you're going to bugger the doubters, make sure you blog about it later. :)

[Chantal]

I agree with above comments.

Quote:"– why am I so sensitive about people’s reaction to what I write, especially those close to me? Why do I take it so personally when people call me out on what I have written" unquote. Like you mentioned in a previous blog: "I want everyone to like me". Perhaps you're worried that people might like you less for it, even though that isn't really the case. I'm also like that. Very sensitive. Want everyone to like me too.

[Woodys Girl]

I suspect that I'd probably react the same as you, Tertia. I freely admit that I'm a "people-pleaser" type personality, and get very hurt when someone seems upset with me (or appears to not like me for some reason or another).

I have always admired how you seek to resolve conflicts with even your commenters, never wanting somebody to "go away angry" with you. Even when it's clearly just a misunderstanding or a miscommunication.

Your family sounds wonderful, especially that Marko. Make sure that Adam takes notes from his father as he grows - the world needs more men like him! ;-)

XO to you, T!

[Professor Me]

Tertia,

I've been reading your blog for a few months now, but this is my first comment. What I like about it is your ability to be open about everything, and I can "see" the release that you get from writing things down. Some people can de-stress through writing -- I am one of them, and you helped me to discover that by unknowingly encouraging me to start my own blog.

I find blogging terribly therapeutic: it lets me express my personality, helps me stay on task, and forces me to be completely honest with myself and the small group of people who read my blog. I know that if I ever try to portray myself as something I'm not, I won't be able to sustain the lie. If I falsify information about how much work I got done on my dissertation, how much I weigh, how I'm feeling, etc., that false information is ALWAYS there, always staring back at me. Blogging is very much about being naked, as you say, in a clothed world; it's also about having to stare at your own naked body in the mirror whenever you log on.

[Tanja]

Dear Tertia

By now you should know me, and know that it takes alot from me to reply on something like this, which is so public, I do not even do it privately or to my own kids. In the past I have been in trouble plenty times for teasing and never seem to learn my lesson, just the tipe of person I am, I guess. Still I am glad all is sorted now, just remember you are still my favourite daughter in law. See you soon. Lots of Love, Dad

[Monica]

Unfortunately, I know everyone in my family and most of my friends and former coworkers read my site. Therefore...well, I feel I have to keep it rather benign. Sometimes I wish I had a secret blog whereby I could vent away and be honestly raw. No such luck, though. I live vicariously through you!

[Anya]

Can you say hormones? You just started your first cycle in seventy days - Of course you reacted like a lunatic!

[Egg Donor]

OOOh!ooh! I understood the afrikaans message (i think). Blame it on the horomnes indeed. I feel so smart (until I am corrected :) )

There is nothing I can say here that won't be repeated by everyone else. We love you ranting about people, the vast majority of us would never judge you for it. Keep that bloggity goodness a-comin'!

[Lioness]

If you can't NOT worry abt what other people will think abt what you write, maybe you could accept you will go on worrying abt it and that's that? You know, reduce the pressure where you can, it is your right to care abt it after all, even if many think it silly that you care so much. Embrace it already!

[I understand the note but for the 2nd sentence, help!]

[Luann]

Sigh. I'm getting so many posts on my blog now that you supplied the link to that are negative. People are bashing me for being open and honest. But f em. It's MY blog. If people dont like what we say they don't have to read it..much less comment on it. Thats my 2 cents. (smooch)

[Orange]

Tertia, I think you're fabulously courageous for blogging so openly. Anyone who doesn't like it should just avoid reading it (and behave themselves so you don't write about them if it freaks them out).

One sister-in-law reads my blog, and my closest friends do, too. Everyone else either is a stranger or was a stranger until we "met" via blogging. I would definitely censor myself if my sister or aunts could read my blog.

[Julie]

Personally, I write anything I want to on my blog, and don't care who in my family or friends read it... But my blog is password protected too. I write a LOT about my kids, and post pictures. I don't want some pervert getting off on pictures of my children, or do I want any type of identity theft. (I have all thier info on my blog, birth dates, weight, etc.) The reason I blog is for my kids. Journaling what they do, the funny things, the not so funny things. Things I don't want any of us to forget. And if I want to write about something that I don't want everyone to view, I can password protect certain posts, and only invite a select few to read those posts.

Hugs,
Julie

[karyn]

Should you ask permission before writing about other people in your blog? If you refer to them using their real name, then, yes, I feel strongly that they should have a chance to give or withold permission. If you only refer to them as "my brother", for example, or "A", then no.

As for photos, showing photos of people from your life without permission should be a strict no-no, in my book.

[karyn]

Forgot to say in the above, except for photos of your children/ babies, obviously, since they are too young to give permission. When they get old enough to care one way or another, then I think it would be respectful and courteous to ask them first, but as a parent who loves to post pics of my children, I am a bit conflicted on that one. I never show photos of my teenager online, password protected or not. It just doesn't feel right ....

[MollieBee]

Only a few friends know about my blog, it's a secret from my family. It's so freeing, to be able to write anything you want without repercussion.

[tracy]

I think, since your identity is known, that you shouldn't blog about people you know without their consent. If Julie blogs about her cousin, I don't have a clue who she's talking about. But if you blog about your cousin, and I'm your friend or neighbor or coworker, there's a good chance I know your cousin, or will meet him/her at some point. And even if you're only saying good things about said cousin, it might be things they'd rather weren't made public.

[Mandy]

Can I just say I love the comment your FIL left??? I'm glad it all worked out too.

I have am pretty open about who I am, haven't changed any names, etc and I think at first it was because I was stupid - I didn't even consider being anonymous, really.

If I were to start one now, I'd probably be a bit more discreet - but now what's done is done.

[Mandarin]

Well, this was an interesting post for me to read, and while I responded to your poll as "totally anonymous, that's me!" it actually turns out that my first blog fell into the category of being more or less in the public eye (a few friends knew about it, and some family). I felt that I couldn't write the things I wanted to, and was freaked out that I happened to be "found and identified" by a high-up member of where I work through a comment left on another person's blog . What's the phrase... eighty gajillion people on the internet and we had to meet like that? Sheesh. He's a great guy and blogging on the sly, too, so we each swore the other to secrecy. So now, here's my deal--I started a new blog, since I rather missed it, but have really told noone besides that guy and my husband, whom I can trust to be discreet. Although, come to think of it, I took my blog down finally because of a comment that accused me of feeling sorry for myself and why don't I just admit I was a selfish jerk and realize there were so many more people worse off than I was? I felt it was a comment that really showed that my personality, despite a rough period, really wasn't coming out very well, which made me sad. After a hiatus, I still haven't figured out quite how I feel about that, but we'll see how this time around goes!

[Kimberly]

Is Tanja your FIL!? How Fabulous! Tertia, you probably know you are SO fortunate to have a great relationship with him, how very touching.

[anna v]

My personal credo is to blog publicly about what I would say publicly in a newspaper and feel OK about. I would never blog about my partner in a very high traffic blog without their permission. I would never post pictures without explicit permission from the pictured people (and that includes my children).

Anything from my private life which touches others and which could lead to them being identified would need permission from them. Blogging when you are easily identifiable is a form of biography/autobiography/memoir and I tend to follow the rules that I would if I were writing a memoir. Esp if I had a very high profile blog and an easily identifiable name.

But I'm hardcore about other people's privacy. Someone asking me not to talk about them on my blog would not bother me. After all, what right of reply do they have? And what right do I have to decide that it is OK for there to be repercussions in their personal lives because I blogged publicly about them?

[anna v]

Umm, those are my rules for myself BTW. I don't play blog police ;) and don't really care what other people do but after years of considering what is and what is not public info for me and my family, it's where I am comfortable.

[Jennie]

"Why do I take it so personally when people call me out on what I have written, or ask me not to write about them?"

Because at the end of the day your writing whats in your heart and it hurts to have that trodden on even in jest. look at Rose's fund it wouldnt be a snowballs puddle of anywhere near close to what it is if you didn't write the way you do. you put yourself out there and it works so many of us never write a comment but 'feel' we know you.

well thats how i see it and i write exactly what i'm thinking and feeling albeit no where near as legibly as you do. this is who you are not the you everyone see's at work or at play but the inner you. gawd i'm all mystical do dooo dooo doo doo now, i'll stop just wanted to pop in and say you and your blog rock!

[sheena]

I love love love your honesty. I often think in real life how what I am feeling right now, is exactly the way tertia described in her blog that one time.....

Dont hide your feelings, we all look forward to gaining alot of advise/opinion/insight from your mind.