Dear Brand New Blogger

To all new bloggers out there, a word of advice from a sage old hand. 

Your blog is your personal space, it’s the place where you can indulge in a bit of therapy, you can let all your feelings out, you can be honest and open about yourself if you choose, you can write about whatever you want to write about, it’s your blog after all.

Well, almost anything.  However, things you may not mention includes,but is not limited to, some of the following:

1.    Under no circumstance are you to call yourself poor, fat or old, or any other label, unless you have checked, and doubled checked, that you are in fact the oldest, poorest, fattest person in the Whole Wide World.  Because if there is someone older, fatter or poorer, they will be most offended that you would call yourself any of the above. They will naturally interpret it as a judgment against them.

2.    At the same time, saying complimentary things about yourself will be interpreted as vanity.  So none of that either.

3.    Do not blog about your self-improvement endeavours, remember one man’s mascara is another man’s Botox.  Additionally, your attempts at making yourself feel / look good will be interpreted as giving in to society’s negative view on aging / women / mothers / any other stereotype that might exist.  Remember – you are a champion for every possible cause / underdog / hard done by group and your debt to society is greater than any obligation to yourself. 

4.    Hidden meanings will be found in every thing.  At no stage will your words be taken at their face value.  If any inferences are to be made, they will be the worst kind possible.  Never mind what you actually said, we all know what you really mean.

5.    Never use any jargon or words that are perfectly acceptable in your culture, unless you have checked that there isn’t a miniscule chance that the same words could cause morbid offence in another culture. 

6.    No political / nationality jokes.  Actually, no jokes at all.  Someone, somewhere, will find it offensive. 

7.    Don’t poke fun at any culture, ethnic group, nationality, religion, gender, sexual persuasion etc, even if you belong to that particular grouping yourself.

8.    In fact, rather not poke fun at yourself at all – in doing so you might unwitting offend someone. 

9.    Actually, while we are on things humorous, a sense of humour is not universally translated, it is certainly not universally appreciated.  If you are being humorous do not rely on simple interpretation of the written word, you will need to be specific and state upfront that you are in fact (attempting to be) humorous. Perhaps a line that says “THIS IS A FUCKING JOKE, PEOPLE, CHILL” might be of use.  Whatever you do, do NOT make any jokes about American’s not knowing their dialling codes.  Actually, no jokes about America or Americans.  They don’t like that.  They will think you hate all Americans if you joke about them.  Rather joke about the Aussies, the Kiwis and the Brits.  Besides being ex cons, sheep-shaggers and lousy lovers respectively, they don’t mind taking the piss at themselves. 

10.    Every post needs to be preceded with a standard disclaimer that says:

• a.    Any reference to actual / real people is purely coincidental and bears no relation to reality

• b.    Names and identities have (not) been changed to protect the (not so) innocent

• c.    I am not sexist / ageist / racist / classist / homophobic / or any other ‘ist.

• d.    This post has nothing to do with you, your family, your best friend / husband etc, or any real or perceived judgment I may or may not have about any issue that you may or may not have.  Not that I am saying you have issues. 

• e.    I am deeply, profoundly grateful for:  my children /.husband / job / family / finances etc. 

11.    In fact, while we are speaking about gratitude – do NOT have a moan about any thing. This will be interpreted as you being ungrateful.  Remember the people who are worse off than you.  Always, always state how grateful you are.

12.    Actually, in order to be absolutely sure you do not offend any one at all, do not have an opinion on anything.  Nothing what so ever.  It really is the safest route to go.  Don’t speak about your feelings, you opinions or even your life. 

13.    Lastly, know that just by being honest about who you are and what you think, you will be judged, condemned, misinterpreted, ridiculed, criticized, disparaged and vilified.

This might sound like a very restrictive list, but don’t be discouraged. There’s always your holiday you can blog about. Actually – blogging about your holiday might be offensive to those who feel holidays are exploitative and restricted to the privileged few. 

Actually, it’s safer to say nothing at all. 

Or you could just say “fuck ‘em” and be real.  Just be prepared to grow a very tough hide. 

Yours in blogging freedom,
Tertia

PS: “THIS IS A FUCKING JOKE, PEOPLE, CHILL”

Assholes ;-)

Comments

[bec (and Charlotte)]

Lol.

[Veronika]

Hahaha! I really don't know why people can't just read a blog for the entertainment / educational / "I'm so damned bored I have nothing better to do" value of it. Why is there always one ass... I mean person who must have some negative feeling about what is being said? And they just have to share! Keep blogging and have a ball with it, this is your space after all! :-)

[Alley_uk]

bwhahahahaha you are such a funny (if highly offensive and completely innapropriate) chick.

I am sorely tempted to try and write 1 post that completely contradicts every single rule in that list. Of course it is likely have have NULL affect as unlike you oh one of such great popularity and notoriety (sp?) MY blog has been completely overlooked as one of any importance.

So there, not only are you rude and offensive, you're also really greedy.

Hehehhehe, clearly you left one off the list:

x) Do not hog the whole reading population, you will incur the wrath of those with less popularity

A

(P.S THIS IS A JOKE PEOPLE, CHILL)

[Meg]

You are so fucking offensive! I'm really fucking offended!

I wouldn't stick around except you're so pretty. ::sighs hopelessly::

[Jenn]

LOL

At least we can play cricket!

[Lindsey]

YAY T!!

[Boulder]

Cricket, Jenn?

Fuck. Now I'm reaaly offended.

14. Do not allow commenters to comment, lest they agree (or disagree) with items 1-13, and thereby offend any of your remaining readership, as you will be held responsible for their sentiments because they are reacting to what YOU have written.

[Kathleen999]

A wonder you can even turn on the computer, with so many rules!!! :)

We love reading you Tertia, keep on going! Ignore the stupidity.

[Ninotchka]

Timely. Brilliant. Smooches right back atcha. :)

[gkk]

Well, now I'm offended! What about all us poor non-bloogers eh? Where's OUR post???? Bloody typical ;-)

[kim]

So is your hide getting any tougher?

[Tertia]

"Not Meg" your indignation is getting boring. That's the second time you've had something horrible to say about the same thing. Get over it already. Got the message, you don't agree with what we did. Fine. To use your words "whatever".

Told you, diss me all you want, leave other people out of it.

Comment deleted.

[Jo]

OK, here's a Little Johnny joke my kiwi friend told me... nothing American, promise!

Little Johnny was an Australian who'd moved to New Zealand. He was attending a Grade 2 parent-teacher interview to see how well he was integrating.

Teacher: Johnny is having a few problems with maths.

Dad: Is that right, Johnny? I think we should work on that

Teacher: And he's way behind the class with his spelling, and reading

Dad: I think we'd better work on those too, son. Funny, he was top of his class in Australia.

Teacher: It's not all bad. Johnny is a remarkable rugby player. By far the best in his year.

Johnny: Did you hear that Dad? I'm the best rugby player!

Dad: You're fucking 15 years old, son

Oh dear. I'm an Australian, I think I offended myself. Bloody Kiwi friends.

Nice post, Tertia. I can't imagine how frustrated you're feeling right now. But the good news is, heaps of people are reading your blog. And being offended by it ;)

[Lioness]

15 - Do not ever tell Little Johnny jokes or half of your Portie readership will be forced to botox your filthy mouth bcs YES SHE TAKES THEM PERSONALLY.

Cow.

[Tracey Dixon]

That was funny.

Too bad it's true. It's exactly what holds my reluctance to keep writing on my own blog.

[wix]

you are a rock goddess.

[lily]

I know, when did *personal* journal space become "Let's criticize and pick apart each other" space? this is the online equivalent of your diary, with which you have priviledged us with a glimpse into your and your family's life. the running commentary from the peanut gallery on what you should and should not do or say is unnecessary and inappropriate- you're an adult, a successful g&d one at that, and just because there's a box that says comment, it doesn't mean you're asking for nitpicking advice on every little thing you write.
love, a completely un-offended American, who actually does NOT know any country codes!

[me]

We wouldn't all keep coming back if we didn't like what you wrote. So there.

Would be very interested to know what people think about butt hair. It is the taboo topic. My hubby thinks it's gross. What do I do, shave it? UGH.

[Renee]

Oh, and never...NEVER spell humour with a 'u', as this will very likely encite a riot of people clamouring to know why you are different, and where you get off being different. Also, never write without first taking your Soma. This will ensure that you follow 1-13 without too much aberration.

[missbanshee]

I think we're very lucky to be constantly offended by someone so G+D. I'm American, and I make fun of Americans every chance I get. It's new and exciting to hear insults about other nationalities!

[Cricket]

You become even more heroic by the day - or is that too vain a thing to say, asshole?

[Danielle]

Is it wrong of me that all I got from this post was the thought "hmm, I like a man in mascara?"

You rock Tertia.

[sara]

Remember, the reason that Americans have no appreciation for jokes about Americans is that for the last 6 years we've been told that any criticism of America is Disloyal And WIll Undermine the War Effort so What Are You Laughing At you Liberal Flagburning America Hating Commie Why Don't You Move To France Or Something.

Some of us are laughing. We just can't post about it because the Department of Homeland Security might start tapping our phones.

j/k. Probably.

[Menita]

Asshole.

[Laura]

A blog most unlike yours, Hooptyrides (www.hooptyrides.com), carries this statement at the top of the page:
"Disclaimers should precede every statement. In the interest of brevity, we will state, just once, 'We are responsible for nothing.'"

Maybe you could use this as well. (^_^)