Dear Brand New Blogger

To all new bloggers out there, a word of advice from a sage old hand. 

Your blog is your personal space, it’s the place where you can indulge in a bit of therapy, you can let all your feelings out, you can be honest and open about yourself if you choose, you can write about whatever you want to write about, it’s your blog after all.

Well, almost anything.  However, things you may not mention includes,but is not limited to, some of the following:

1.    Under no circumstance are you to call yourself poor, fat or old, or any other label, unless you have checked, and doubled checked, that you are in fact the oldest, poorest, fattest person in the Whole Wide World.  Because if there is someone older, fatter or poorer, they will be most offended that you would call yourself any of the above. They will naturally interpret it as a judgment against them.

2.    At the same time, saying complimentary things about yourself will be interpreted as vanity.  So none of that either.

3.    Do not blog about your self-improvement endeavours, remember one man’s mascara is another man’s Botox.  Additionally, your attempts at making yourself feel / look good will be interpreted as giving in to society’s negative view on aging / women / mothers / any other stereotype that might exist.  Remember – you are a champion for every possible cause / underdog / hard done by group and your debt to society is greater than any obligation to yourself. 

4.    Hidden meanings will be found in every thing.  At no stage will your words be taken at their face value.  If any inferences are to be made, they will be the worst kind possible.  Never mind what you actually said, we all know what you really mean.

5.    Never use any jargon or words that are perfectly acceptable in your culture, unless you have checked that there isn’t a miniscule chance that the same words could cause morbid offence in another culture. 

6.    No political / nationality jokes.  Actually, no jokes at all.  Someone, somewhere, will find it offensive. 

7.    Don’t poke fun at any culture, ethnic group, nationality, religion, gender, sexual persuasion etc, even if you belong to that particular grouping yourself.

8.    In fact, rather not poke fun at yourself at all – in doing so you might unwitting offend someone. 

9.    Actually, while we are on things humorous, a sense of humour is not universally translated, it is certainly not universally appreciated.  If you are being humorous do not rely on simple interpretation of the written word, you will need to be specific and state upfront that you are in fact (attempting to be) humorous. Perhaps a line that says “THIS IS A FUCKING JOKE, PEOPLE, CHILL” might be of use.  Whatever you do, do NOT make any jokes about American’s not knowing their dialling codes.  Actually, no jokes about America or Americans.  They don’t like that.  They will think you hate all Americans if you joke about them.  Rather joke about the Aussies, the Kiwis and the Brits.  Besides being ex cons, sheep-shaggers and lousy lovers respectively, they don’t mind taking the piss at themselves. 

10.    Every post needs to be preceded with a standard disclaimer that says:

• a.    Any reference to actual / real people is purely coincidental and bears no relation to reality

• b.    Names and identities have (not) been changed to protect the (not so) innocent

• c.    I am not sexist / ageist / racist / classist / homophobic / or any other ‘ist.

• d.    This post has nothing to do with you, your family, your best friend / husband etc, or any real or perceived judgment I may or may not have about any issue that you may or may not have.  Not that I am saying you have issues. 

• e.    I am deeply, profoundly grateful for:  my children /.husband / job / family / finances etc. 

11.    In fact, while we are speaking about gratitude – do NOT have a moan about any thing. This will be interpreted as you being ungrateful.  Remember the people who are worse off than you.  Always, always state how grateful you are.

12.    Actually, in order to be absolutely sure you do not offend any one at all, do not have an opinion on anything.  Nothing what so ever.  It really is the safest route to go.  Don’t speak about your feelings, you opinions or even your life. 

13.    Lastly, know that just by being honest about who you are and what you think, you will be judged, condemned, misinterpreted, ridiculed, criticized, disparaged and vilified.

This might sound like a very restrictive list, but don’t be discouraged. There’s always your holiday you can blog about. Actually – blogging about your holiday might be offensive to those who feel holidays are exploitative and restricted to the privileged few. 

Actually, it’s safer to say nothing at all. 

Or you could just say “fuck ‘em” and be real.  Just be prepared to grow a very tough hide. 

Yours in blogging freedom,
Tertia

PS: “THIS IS A FUCKING JOKE, PEOPLE, CHILL”

Assholes ;-)

Comments

[Mollie]

Best fuck I ever had: British guy.

No joke.

Asshole.

[Joy]

This asshole loves it!

[scott]

Guess some people need a sense of humour gene-transplant. Not you, T, yours is just fine. Unless you are being serious, in which case, I hate you just as much as those dustbunnies who waste all that time reading something they hate. Twits.
You were joking, right? lol.

[Laura]

You are wonderful and I adore you.

Asshole.

[pixi]

Thanks, Tertia, from an unhappy with her weight, frustrated with her job, Bush-hating, pro-choice, depressed sometimes, thinks she's pretty cool sometimes, spends way too much money on shoes & clothes, uncertain how she feels about God & religion (not necessarily the same thing), big fan of yours, finally de-lurking, new blogger. I'll try NOT to heed your advice.

Love your blog. Never hold back. (as if you would!)

[maia]

Don't ever change on us Tertia, fuck the naysayers. We love you JUST THE WAY YOU ARE :)

[mama-beans]

Yes, much support here.. LOVE your writing.. esp when you are fumed.. this post could NOT have been funnier! As a side note VERY curious as to what miss-negative had to say that was deleted.... you tease.

[Skippy]

Mollie - have you met my boyfriend?

The line about British blokes being useless shags is a cunning ploy by those of us in the know. We guard this secret jealously, otherwise demand would outstrip supply.

Oh. Damn.

[ms pickled eggs]

Huh, I always thought I was a pretty good lover. And if I could be bothered to get a shower, shave my legs and seduce Mr PE I'd go prove it.
However, sitting here, surfing the interweb whilst wearing curry stained pjs seems like a much more fun option.

[Janis]

People who love to get offended over everything or search for things to get offended over, in my humble opinion, must lead very boring lives.

Not too long ago, I wrote a post on my blog about a woman who was offended by fat people. Of all the things in the world to get your knickers in a twist over, that was hers.

Please... There are much bigger things than getting offended by fat people, jokes, blogs, etc. Much bigger...

I don't read blogs simply because I agree with what the person writes. I love reading ones that make me think, make me feel, make me take a second look at things. And often that means I read some things I may not agree with. I'm cool with that though. I actually enjoy the challange it creats at times. It can make one think if one chooses to do that over choosing to be offended.

Right now, my life is in the tank. I'm looking for laughs. I'm looking for things to keep my mind off my own messes.

Tertia's blog as well as a few others provide that diversion. For just a few minutes each day, I can forget my daughter is dead. I can forget that another of my children has the same illness that took our other daughter. I can forget that I too have it and passed it to them. I can forget that my husband has been lying to me for months and making preperations to leave us. I can forget that he decimated the retirement fund so he could walk out. I can forget about the hell a divorce is certain to be for myself and my kids. I can forget that even after my wages and child support I will still be in the hole several hundered dollars each month.

Bloggers like T may write for their own enjoyment, but they also give more to their readers than they could ever imagine.

So in closing (I'm an asshole for writing an epic, sorry), I want to thank T, Julie, Julia, Aitch, Cecily, Grrl and a host of others for helping make my day a bit brighter. Thanks for the laughs, the tears, the way you open your hearts and souls to those who read your blogs. Thanks for being real. Thanks for telling it like it is, even if there are those who might get all pissy because they think differently.

And to those who are easily offended, if you don't like what you read, close the browser window and move on. Nobody is forcing you to read anything on the net. Go find a book to read, a tv show, go for a walk. Do anything. Just don't tell others what they can or cannot write in their own little space on the net.

Sheesh...

[Wylie]

WTF, T?? Canadians aren't good enough to be made fun of?

Fine . . .

*stomps off*

[Amanda]

Delurking to post a comment with one of my favorite phrases *ever*:

Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke.

Think that about sums it up :-)

[Claire]

I'm spluttering in rage and shaking my fist at the screen.

Well, not really, but sheesh do some people need to get some perspective. I think the whole 'this post is not about YOU' should be written across the top of every blog.

Now, let's talk about me.

[Lulu]

Ms Pickled Eggs. Are you me?

Pxx

[Kristine]

Very good advice. V. good.

[Karla]

I subscribe to that old bit of wisdom:

"If they can't take a joke, fuck 'em!"

[Irina]

What a great entry! I was just thinking about this myself the other day. In some ways, many people are all for freedom of speech - except in the cases when they don't like what they hear! : D Keep on writing!

[Anna]

How's that working out for you? Being clever?

Apparently well ; )

I like your blog and what you have to say. Really, the heck with these people who choose to take offense to all these little things. Admittedly I'm nitpicky, but this is a bit much. Thanks for writing! You have many who will keep reading! (and not have a major snit over every little thing!)

[Judy]

MUUUUUUUUUUUUAHHHHHHHHHHH!

Love ya!

[shelli]

fucking brilliant.

thank you

thank you

thank you!

[MFA Mama]

Hmph. To publish a post called "Dear Brand New Blogger" is offensive to everyone who is not a blogger and assumes that everyone possesses the computer, Internet access, and literacy necessary to BECOME a blogger, which is, in and of itself, a bigoted view. I will be deleting you from my blogroll posthaste. Asshole

p.s. actually, I just finished blogging about this issuemyself--have you noticed that everyone seems to be wrestling with the beige tide this week? Of course nothing I had to say was nearly as witty as what you wrote. Which I find offensive.

[e]

Hahahahahahahahahaha

But, if they can't take a joke, do you really want to fuck'em?

[Liz]

HAh. you are too funny T. Seriously you can't blog now a days without people digging through it letter by letter and finding offendsive messages in them.

It seems you can't win, doesn't matter what you blog about. Why can't people just read a blog and move on?
I read blogs, I will commend if I have time. If it's funny, I go hah; if i don't like, I just mutter an asshole and move on to the next one.

[lorrie]

I'm highly offended because you write better than I do!!

I HATE YOU!!!

HOW DARE YOU insult us inferior writers with such a brill post?

ASSHOLE!!!

[Samie]

Love it!- Just wish i could hear you read your disclaimer in that accent of yours! and, as an american i thought your dialing code joke was awesome- and i still don't know what ours is!