So Close

Is it ok to tell little white lies to your spouse?

I am a very bad liar.  Not because of any particularly deep moral sense of right and wrong but because the effort of having to keep up pretences is more trouble than its worth.  And I actually don't like being deceitful.

Having said that, I know there is a place for little white lies.  Answers to "do you like my new hair cut" or "does my butt look big in this" sometimes require a little creative accounting when it comes to honesty.  

I try my best never to lie to my husband.  Firstly because I am not very convincing, secondly because he ALWAYS seems to know if I am not telling the full version of the truth and lastly because I don't believe deceit has any place in the relationship.  

*Note: My husband is not nearly as averse as I am to little white lies or distorting the full version of truth and will happily NOT disclose to me exact amount he paid for his big screen super-duper fuel-injected new TV. "It wasn't expensive". or "It was a good deal". Yeah right buddy. It was probably ridiculously expensive!!  He doesn't lie, he just chooses not to tell me everything. He feels that we operate on a need-to-know basis.  He needs to know everything, and I need to know nothing. 

Today we had a little incident at home. Max knocked over our brand new lampshade and it broke into pieces.  Rose and I froze in horror. Our first thought was "Marko is going to FREAK OUT!"  Marko is very, um, careful? protective? caring? anal? about his/our stuff. You can always buy a second hand car from Marko because you can be guaranteed it will be in excellent condition. No scratches, no broken door handles or sticky stains on the carpet. And it will still have all the original packaging. Marko is always moaning about how the kids ruin / break / scratch / damage everything. Sometimes when he is really cross and he wants me to have hateful thoughts about him, he says "I am the only one in this house that cares about our things" which is crap and annoying and only very slightly true. I also care about our stuff but I am not quite as anal.

Anyway, Max broke the new lampshade. We knew Marko would not be happy. Rose volunteered to take the fall but I said that I would do it. But I knew Marko would be able to tell immediately that I was lying if he saw my face, so I thought I would email him. Let him get over his pissed-offness before he got home.  But then when it came to it, I couldn't do it. It would have been a lie to say that either myself or Rose had broken the lampshade and I don't want him to think that I would lie to him. 

I decided to be deliberately vague so that I didn't lie but I also didn't get Max into trouble:

Me via email: "The one new lampshade in our bedroom is broken (kaput), knocked it over by accident, SORRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

I thought that was quite clever. I was just congratulating myself when I got his reply:

Him via email: "Who knocked it over?"

FARK.

Me: "Does it matter?"

Him: "Yes. If it is was any of the children, you are covering up for them. If it was you, it was an accident"

Me: "It was an accident xx"

No reply. We will see what happens when he gets home tonight. Hopefully by then he has calmed down. I will have to distract him somehow....

So, after that loooooooooooooong intro - here is my question: Do you think it is ok to tell a little white lie? Would it have been ok for me to take the fall for Max? To pretend it was me who knocked over the lamp instead of Max? It really was an accident that it got knocked over. (He was swinging his lion around and the lion hit the lampshade and the lampshade toppled over. Could happen to anyone!)

Would that have been an acceptable little white lie or not? Is there such a thing as an acceptable white lie in a relationship?

Sleeping in on our first day of school holidays

Today is the first day of school holidays. (Well actually, its the last day of school term but I never send my kids on the last day as school only last for 2 and a half hours and they play games and stuff. I am NOT getting up early and making them put uniforms on just to play games for 2 odd hours).

Getting the kids up, fed, dressed and at school in time is not my favourite activity. Plus I get stuck in the stop-start traffic coming home. Plus it is dark and cold and really, it's not a huge amount of fun. 

This day couldn't come soon enough, this has been a looooooooong term. I am not sure why. It just feels like it has been a long slog. Maybe because the weather has been revolting, I have been extra busy, it was a very busy term in terms of extra murals etc. Anyway, I have been looking forward to being able to lie in a bit and avoid the horrible early morning school run.  

Last night I told Marko "I am looking so forward to being able to lie in a bit tomorrow morning and take it easy".

You know how this is going to end, right?

Last night at inthemiddleofthenight O'clock, I felt a tap on my head, like I do most nights.  I don't even pretend to argue anymore and I just open up my duvet for Max to crawl in.  Except that this didn't feel like Max (bigger, bonier) plus it could talk: "I had a bad dream". Ok, Kate.  She is the one that sometimes has bad dreams. Although she usually picks Marko as her go-to middleofthenight person.

Anyway, I shifted up and went back to sleep.  But my guest in the bed was wriggly and annoying and after he/she elbowed me in the chest I thought bugger that and at about godknowswhattime O'clock, I got up and went to sleep in Kate's lower bunk (she usually sleeps in the top). I reached for the top bunk and grabbed her pillow to use. That is when Kate suddenly sat up and said "Mom! What are you doing here?"  

Great. I had the wrong twin in the bed. Now I had one awake child plus another in my bed. 

"Sshhh, I am having a sleep over in your room. We will cuddle in the morning"

And off I went to sleep again.

A few minutes/hours/days later (time melts into one when you are NOT sleeping), I felt another tap on my head. It was Max. I sighed (sobbed), lifted the duvet and he crawled in. Max is a more familiar guest and I managed to sleep for a while (seconds? minutes? maybe even an hour!).

And then it started raining heavily outside and I had Kate next to me telling me that she thinks it is hailing and could we cuddle now.  She was about to climb in next to me when she saw Max "What is HE doing here?" she asked with much disdain. "I don't know Kate. I don't even know what I am doing here"

My biggest concern was waking Max because when Max is awake there is no rest for anyone, so I carefully extricated myself from the bed (which is not easy when you are on the bottom bunk of a double bunk, against the wall with a sleeping 4 year old next to you.) I thought about cutting off some of my limbs in order not to wake up him, but I managed to get out successfully.

Kate and I then went to go sleep* in Max's bed (the bottom bed of his double bunk), while Adam slept in my bed, Max slept in Kate's spare bed and Marko snored his way through all of the above. (*By 'sleep' I am using the figurative interpretation as Kate wriggled and rolled and kept asking me if I was awake yet)

Eventually at 6:20 I gave up and said that Kate and I could get up. "Yay!" she says, "can you make me some tea?".  

I wonder if 6:20am is too early to have wine. 

It has been a great start to our school holidays! I feel relaxed and refreshed already. 

Marko and the baby birds

I am not a massive animal lover. I respect animals and I believe that their protection is very important (I abhor cruelty to animals), but when I donate money to various charities, I always choose the charity that supports people (children/ old people / lifeline etc) first, before animals. I always choose the hungry child over the hungry dog.  I like people more than I like animals.  (Marko is a HUGE animal lover.  He would always choose the hungry dog over the hungry child. And I think he likes animals more than he likes most people.)

We have lovely trees outside our bedroom window and a young dove made her nest there recently.  Marko and I have been watching her build her nest, sit on her eggs and then hatch two little babies recently.  We keep our distance as not to startle her and the babies. I have been feeling quite maternal towards them, watching the babies grow

Tonight Marko came into my study in distress. The storm that we are having in Cape Town has dislodged the nest and the babies are on the ground in the cold and wet! (You see, this is why I don't like to get too attached!!).  Marko is now outside in the pouring rain, fashioning come kind of protective device to protect the baby birds from the elements while still making them available for their mother to feed them. (Poor Marko said he lay awake last night thinking about how he could strap an umbrella to the tree to protect the birds when the storm came. Unfortunately the storm came before he could do his MacGyver plan.)

Poor little babies. I can't stop thinking about them and wondering if they are ok. Nature can be really tough. (Also, I love that my usually tough, stoic, sometimes-terribly-annoying, stubborn husband has such a soft side. I am quite fond of him. Mostly.)

One of my best friends is granola

You know what I love about me (besides everything?) - it is that I have such a diverse group of friends.  I love that I know people from every walk of life.  I can't think of anything worse than having friends who look just like me, act just like me and think just like me.  I learn from people who are different to me.  

Now, I am probably one of the most un-granola people you will ever meet.  There is nothing 'natural' or organic about me. My children are vaccinated, formula-fed, C-sectioned, IVF-conceived, TV-watching, gadget-addicted, McDonalds-eating, MSG-loving little capitalists.  And I am not ashamed about this at all.  Except maybe for the McDonalds. But we only do that every once in a while.  Maybe every twice in a while.

One of the most interesting, funny, intelligent people I have met in the computer is someone who is exactly like me except for everything I have listed above.  In fact, the only way we are similar is that we are both awesome and we both love our kids very much.  My friend Jennifer has written many books, some of which I have reviewed on this very blog over the years.  But her latest book is something I would probably would never have given a second glance at because my attitude towards learning scary facts about things I don't want to know about is LA-LA-LA, I CAN'T HEAR YOU WITH MY FINGERS IN MY EARS!

Jennifer Margulis' latest book "The Business of Baby" takes on all the lovely controversial issues like C-sections, formula, vaccinations, paternity leave etc etc, and how these are being influenced by Big Pharma rather than the interests of the mother and child.

Jennifer has been given a roasting by the non-granola sect.  She has been called all sorts of horrible names, the reaction has been quite visceral and vicious.  Which is a pity really because can't we have an intelligent debate without sinking to the lowest level, but there you go. You can disagree with the sentiment without dissing the person.

If you are interested in this sort of thing, buy the book and chat to Jennifer. She is a fabulously funny clever person and I like her very much, even if she used her breasts and vagina for reproduction and not just for recreation like me.

Book available here:  http://www.amazon.com/The-Business-Baby-Corporations-Childbirth/dp/1451636083/

A year later and still in love - The Spindel

A year ago I told you about a new product I got - the Spindel. The Spindel is a thing (machine) that takes the water out of your just washed clothes by spinning the clothes around really fast in a small machine.  Much faster than your washing machine. It removes the water by centrifugal force, not by heating. Because almost all the water is removed from your freshly washed wet clothes and linen, the wet washing takes soooo much faster to dry. And in this revolting, miserable, wet weather we have had, we need all the help we can get when it comes to drying clothes. 

Aside - did you know our dams are 103% full at the moment.  Yes, that is how much rain we have had recently.  Every single hole in the ground as been turned into a swimming pool. But we shan't complain. Too much. 

Anyyywayyy, the folk at Spindel have let me know that they are running a competition at the moment to give away a Spindel valued at R1,599 to one lucky reader.  So all you South African peeps, head on over to my reviews blog and enter the competition.  Trust me, you will love love LOVE this product.  There are few things that warm my heart more than saving time and money. 

Head on over to my Reviews Blog to enter:  http://www.tertia.org/reviews/2013/08/a-year-.html

 

Max

Those who have been reading my blog for the past 9 years or so will know Kate and Adam pretty well as I have blogged about them quite a bit, but I haven’t blogged much about Max (I haven’t blogged much about anything for the last four years), so you might not know him at all.  I thought I would write a blog post about our Maxie boy and tell you a bit more about my third and last child.

Where to start….  Well, let me start by saying that we are home-schooling Max this year. And if that sounds as if I have had a personality/life transplant to someone far more capable than I, let me tell you that this is not by choice.  The reason why Max is at home until next year is that he has the dubious honour of being the first Albertyn ever to be kicked out of playschool for disorderly conduct.

Only joking! He wasn’t kicked out of playschool. But it was close ;)

The truth is that he is no longer in his wonderful playschool because I took him out of school. Not because I wanted to (I love the playschool and I especially love the teacher, the twins were there for two years when they were younger), but because he was behaving badly.  He was too rough with the other children. The last straw was after one particularly wild day when he hit three kids at school.  For his sake, for the sake of the other kids and for the sake of his poor teacher, I made the very hard decision to take him out of school. I cried big tears about this. But having made the decision, I feel a huge sense of relief. Being the mom of a child who gets hit at school is difficult; it is even harder being the mom of the child who hits.  When I take him to a kids play place and I hear someone cry, my first thought isn’t “is that my child crying” but instead “dear lord, please don’t let that be my child who caused the crying”. Sigh.

So, as you can tell by that colourful introduction, Max is not the quiet bookish type.  Max is loud, busy, crazy, rough, extremely loving, active, strong, sweet, domineering, kind and a real tough cookie.  He has to be – he regularly gets stick from his siblings. The twins themselves are pretty loud, busy, crazy, rough and so in order to get a chance at anything, Max has to be the same, and even more so.  Which is fine if he is interacting with 8 year olds, not so fine if he is interacting with children his age or younger.

Max is speech delayed, but is going to speech lessons and is improving by leaps and bounds. And I am noticing that as his speech improves, so does his ability to control his emotions and his temper.  He is now able to say, quite fluently and in context: “Shut up”, “I really, really hate you” and “you idiot”.  We are working on better vocabulary selection.

Another thing that has helped Max enormously is having occupational therapy. His OT is the same one that helped Adam (and coincidentally, the same one my youngest brother went to). This woman is amazing. Even if she tells me that the umbilical cord is still very much attached and far too tight between Max and I.

Between the speech lessons and the OT, I am confident that he is going to have a far better handle on his emotions and his behaviour as he matures.

 

(I have tried to embed a short video, if you can't see it displayed in the blog post, then please click here:  http://vimeo.com/71162700.  If you still can't see it, don't bother - it isn't that special, I was just trying to show his speech.)

Max is my baby – my darling, sweet, funny, loving little boy.  The OT is right; the umbilical cord is still very much attached between the two of us.  I don’t know whether it is because he is my last child, or because he was a natural conception, or because it was such a wonderful experience for me during the pregnancy and the early years (one baby at a time!!! Soo much easier!) – but I am enjoying him so much.  My best friend, my mother and my husband will all say I baby him far, far too much and they would not be lying.  I know I do. But he is my baby! My little bonus baby!!  If I didn't think you would judge me for it I would admit to you that he still has a dummy at night! And a blankie! And heaven-forbid, a bottle!!!

I look at him with wonder and pride – how on earth did he happen?  The twins I conceived through blood, sweat and tears (literally) – I worked so very, very hard to have them. And Max just happened!  By himself.  It is like he chose to be here, like he made it happen.  It was an easy conception, an easy pregnancy, an easy birth and an easy first few years.  Of course he is making up for this by being bloody hard work as a 3 and 4 year old.  He is my very special baby. 

Max and I are crazily in love with each other. He tells me about 20 times a day that he loves me, and I am not exaggerating.  “Love you Mama”.  I reply 20 (or more) times back “Love you Max”.  He is a busy, rough boy but he is an extremely loving boy too.  He loves to hug people.  Totally (TOTALLY) different to the twins in that regard.

Max is not shy or scared of anyone or anything.  He will talk to anyone. I sometimes think that he is a bit too fearless.  But I can’t help but be a little proud of it too.

Max is trusting, free spirited and happy – I am determined to keep him that way. I refuse to break him down in order to get him to behave. I feel extremely strongly about this.  I don’t want him to be wild and ill-disciplined, but I want him to be taught to behave appropriately through love, understanding and yes, firmness - but not through fear. 

I know that the way Max is now is not necessarily the way he will always be. I look at Adam and what a difficult time we had when he was little, and how very, very well he is doing now and I know that difficult toddlers do not necessarily mean difficult children. (I am holding on for dear life to the hope that as 'difficult' as Max is now is how easy he will be later.  One can dream. We just need to channel that energy in the right way)

Max is tough – he will fall and hurt himself, or get a smack on the bum (yes, he gets a swat on the bum occasionally) and he simply picks himself up or shrugs his shoulders and carries on as if nothing has happened. 

Max is clever – he learns amazingly quickly and is already a bit of a techie. He has had his own iPad since he was two years old. He is an Apple fanboy!

Max is tall, like his siblings (and like his parents)

The only person who spoils Max more than I do is Rose – she is as in love as I am.

The only person Max has a slight bit of (respectful) fear of, is Marko. He listens to Marko.

Max has crazy hair – if I let it grow, it looks like a big afro.

Max has beautiful eyes, they are greeny-blue.  They change colour between very blue and a green-grey. The rest of us all have blue eyes.

Max gets on fairly well with his siblings, but they tease him a lot and he teases them a lot. It often ends in tears.

(I just had to intervene in a domestic dispute – Max hit Kate on the head with a (toy) cat and she responded by jumping on his back.  A scuffle ensued)

I am looking very forward to next year when Max goes to ‘big school’.  He starts at the twin’s school next year in Grade RR and I think it will be a much better fit for him.  Max needs a firm hand – he is not a sensitive little flower of a child, he needs to have a firm hand and a beady eye on him all the time.  I have already requested that he be put in the strictest teacher’s class. 

So I have six months left until the start of the school year next year to improve Max’s speech, moderate his behaviour, stop babying him too much and get him ready for the next chapter in his life.  I am going to start next month! Or maybe the month thereafter! Just going to enjoy my last baby for a few more days.

And that is Maxie boy. Crazy, busy, sweet, naughty, loving, loud, rough and kind.  He’s a nice boy and I am extremely fond of him. My little bonus baby. 

The Travel Agent is Not Dead

This is an odd blog post, but I felt the need to acknowledge some really good service I got recently.

A friend of a friend of a friend told me about a travel agent friend of hers that she uses to book all her travel and I thought "travel agent? Isn't that so pre-Internet? What value does a travel agent add when I can book all my travel through the Internet?"

Well, let me tell you - a good travel agent is worth their weight in commission.  Yes, you might pay a smidgen more (or maybe not at all at the end of the day) but when you are booking a multi-city trip or when you need travel arranged for an employee / business trip, it is SOOOOOO handy to be able to send a simple email with a few dates on it and say "please book as below".  

The very lovey, very efficient Jennifer Moller has now become one of my favourite people. In my next life I might ask her to be my wife, she is that efficient*.  She is an independent travel agent within a larger network of travel agents which means you get personal service with the benefits of a big group's network. Actually I am not entirely sure how it works but I don't really care - all I care about is that Jennifer takes a huge amount (all) of the stress out of travelling and making travel arrangements.  What a lovely, efficient woman. 

And the Internet part? Well, the Internet part is that Jennifer lives in Nelspruit (or somewhere up country) and I never see her face to face, which suits my antisocial self just fine. All I do is send an email and say "please book as below" and it gets done. And then all I need to do is send another email saying "thank you".

And it is not just about booking flights and accommodation, it is about advice, tips, insight, exprience, research, knowledge etc.  I could give you many examples of the ways she saved us time and money (and potentially missed flight connections) but it's late and I am tired. 

This sounds like a paid-for endorsement, but it isn't. I am not getting anything out of it but honestly, her service is so good that it worth me taking the few minutes to write this post and share it with you guys.

If you need to book any travel arrangements and you don't have the time nor inclination to fart around the Internet looking for best deals / ideal flights / specials / rates etc, drop Jennifer an email on: jennifer.moller@travelcounsellors.co.za or visit her webpage at:  http://www.travelcounsellors.co.za/jennifer.moller

It is honestly worth the few extra Rand you will pay (if any at all) for her to take the stress out of travel. 

*In my next life I am going to have a wife. Wives are infinitely more useful than husbands and an efficient wife even more so. In fact, I might even have two wives if possible.  

Things I love about being away & things I love about being home

Marko and I have just got back from a week and a bit overseas. We went to London for a conference (me) and a bit of shopping (Marko) and then off to Holland to see Marko’s mom. We had a great time but it is very good to be home.

Things I love about being away:

• Experiencing different cultures and countries
• Learning and exploring
• Spending time with friends and family who live abroad
• Shopping!
• Getting away from my normal crazy day to day life

Things I love about being home:

• Getting back to my normal crazy day to day life
• Seeing my kids and husband and remembering again how much I love them
• Being able to eat my normal healthy food! (Worst thing about going away is not being able to eat healthily very easily)
• Being able to drink the tap water
• My own pillow and linen
• My fantastic shower
• Biltong
• Not having to work out how much everything costs in my own currency
• Being able to drink good, well priced wine whenever I want (ie all the time)
• The air! Africa, and in particular Cape Town, has the most beautiful, fresh smelling air (each country seems to have its own unique smell. I love the smell of South Africa).
• Woolworths
• My parents
• My study (my study is my calming place. I miss being able to escape to my calming place)
• My own loo
• Gym (Who would have guessed I would ever say that!)
• Uncapped, unshaped already-paid-for internet access
• Free calls
• My car and the ability to go wherever I want, when I want
• My life

It’s good to be home

It's like riding a bike

I accomplished one of the most exciting achievements of my life this weekend, I taught the kids how to ride a bike. It was SO exciting!

We stay in a fantastic security estate, a little haven where the kids are able to ride their bikes around the complex with very little cars driving around and where there aren't any 'baddies' lurking around. At any given day on a weekend there are at least 10-20 young children riding their bicycles up and down. And up until this point, my children haven't been able to participate because they didn't know how to ride a bike.  We bought them bikes 6 months ago but after an aborted attempt to teach them how to ride a bike (*cough* Marko *cough*), the bikes just gathered dust in the garage. I thought about teaching them myself but it was hot and sweaty and I just couldn't.

But it is school holidays now and on Thursday night it was one of those beautiful Cape Town sunny winter's evenings and I thought I would give it a bash. I ran up and down next to the bike telling them how to balance and how to peddle (yay, I remembered!) and Adam got it straight away. Within a few minutes he was peddling up and down as if he had being doing it for years. He had got it.  It took until this morning for Kate to get it, but she has got it too.  It was such a fantastic feeling to see the two of them riding up and down on their bikes.

Yesterday I bought Max a bike too and today the kids were on their bikes the whole day. Poor Adam has a sore bum from all the bike riding. Marko and I are so excited about this bike riding thing we are thinking about getting bicycles too! 

Here are some pics from today. I was going to photoshop some shoes on Max and a helmet on Adam but I am tired and its late so I want you to pretend you can see them. Would hate to have a repeat of this.

 

 

The gift of an eye

There are so many people all over the world who need help. One needn't even go looking, all you need to do is stop looking away for a moment and it is easy to get overwhelmed by the enormity of the need.  (And living in a country like South Africa, there is even more need, everywhere)

But a while ago, a request caught my eye. A friend of a friend of a friend posted something on FB and for some or other reason I decided to click on the link. I was overwhelmed by this woman's story.  I donated some money towards her cause and today got some feedback.  I am humbled by what this one woman (and her two friends) are doing to help other children.  

Please read her story here and please help if you can. My heart goes out to these children:  http://www.backabuddy.co.za/champion/project/running-the-vic-falls-marathon

Akhona, 11 years old

On 22 December 2012, on their way to the Transkei, Akhona, her mother, father, sister and aunt were involved in a head on collision.  Akhona’s mother died.  Akhona’s little sister sustained severe head injuries to the extent that she is now disabled. Akhona also suffered from severe head injuries and lost her one eye.  She waited 6 months for a prosthesis.  She and her father and uncle who are taking care of her are over the moon with the result although more work has to be done due to the extent of injury experienced. She says thank you so much.

 

Tahir, 2 years old

Tahir’s mother Shihaam saw a strange light-like effect in Tahir’s eye when he was a new born.  She immediately took him to the Red Cross Children’s hospital (in Cape Town) where he was diagnosed with Retino-blastoma, a cancer found only in children, localised in the eye but capable of spreading to the rest of the body.  On the 23 November 2011 the eye was enucleated (enucleation is the removal of the eye that leaves the eye muscles and remaining orbital contents intact) and he underwent a series of chemo therapy sessions.  He has tumours in his other eye too but so far he can still see through that eye and it is not yet necessary for an enucleation.  On 12 June 2013 he was fitted with his first prosthesis and his parents were ecstatic especially his father who couldn’t take the comments from other people anymore. “Now people treat my son as a normal person”.  Tahir on the other hand dances in front of the mirror, admiring his eye!

 

Warren, 12 years old

Warren was on a train, on his way home from school when a brick was thrown through the train window and which hit his left eye.  He went immediately to Red Cross hospital where an enucleation was performed as the eye was too damaged to save. He was very traumatised and sad but a social worker helped to a degree. Kids mocked and teased Warren to the point that he didn’t want to attend school anymore.  He started hiding behind sunglasses, never removing them, even when he saw Vida for the prosthesis for the first few times.  Warren received his custom-made prosthesis!  He is a positive, very happy child again and never wears his sunglasses.  “He is a very happy boy again”, says his mother.    

 

Shaylin

Shaylin has Retino Blastoma (cancer found only in kids, manifests in the eyes.)  Shaylin and his family travel from George (approx. 370km from Cape Town) for treatment and according to Vida they have been known to wait at the clinic at 8am for their 2pm appointment. 

NOTE: Permission was sought and granted by the children and their families to use their photos and stories.