IVF Barbie

When Mattel were looking to design their new Barbie, IVF Barbie, they soon realized that there was not one universal Barbie that would accurately portray the spirit of IVF Barbie. So they decided they would come out with a few variations thereof.

Newbie Barbie:
Newbie Barbie, also known as BabyDust Barbie is a bright, perky, Barbie, filled with optimism and confidence that IVF Will Work. She is thinner and usually younger than the other IVF Barbies. Her accessories include rose-tinted spectacles, a positive bank balance, healthy insurance coverage and a million questions. Newbie Barbie has lots of other Newbie Barbie friends and they congratulate each other on a job well done. This Barbie only says pleasant, optimistic things and believes that Attitude is Everything. Their motto is Think Positive!!

Pregnant Newbie Barbie:
Pregnant Newbie Barbie is the big sister to Newbie Barbie. She is still slim, now with a cute belly. She is proof that IVF Does Work, usually the first time. She also comes with rose-tinted spectacles, a positive bank balance (only very slightly depleted) and total confidence that All Will Be OK. She glows when pregnant and liberally uses baby dust when playing with her sisters, the Newbie Barbies. She comes with Very Cute maternity clothes, a double stroller, and a fully decorated nursery even though she is only just a few weeks pregnant. Her motto is ‘See! Thinking Positive Works!!’. Newbie Barbie and Pregnant Newbie Barbies are great playmates and you can collect them as a set.

Joiner Barbie:
Joiner Barbie is cousin to Newbie Barbie and Pregnant Newbie Barbie. Joiner Barbie comes with a group of friends just like her, and this group calls themselves by the name of a furry animal or has reference to a season. Think Spring Blossoms or Bubbly Bunnies. Accessories include a chart or table of some sorts, lots of smiley faces, baby dust (a glitter-like tub of ground up positive attitude that apparently has the power of hocus pocus to make one pg), declarations of eternal friendship and love and lots of ((((hugs)))).

Veteran Barbie:
Veteran Barbies are not at all related to the Barbies above. Veteran Barbies are the Anti-Barbie. They are a whole lot plumper than the Newbie Barbies, less perky (in boobs and attitude), have grayer hair, a largely negative and over-drawn bank balance, plenty of bruises and marks and a slightly cynical attitude. They are dressed in comfy track pants with elasticated waistbands. Their accessories include a wealth of knowledge of reproductive procedures and protocol, the ability to practically do their own cycle, a snarky attitude, little tolerance for stupidity, a well defined sense of humor, the ability to laugh at themselves, a fondness for wine/beer/crack and a aversion to pineapple, baby dust and Newbie Barbies. This aversion in its more severe form can be allergic and acerbic. Veteran Barbies tend to swear quite a bit (especially when playing in the Barbie House with Newbie Barbies and Pregnant Newbie Barbies) and parental guidance is advised.

Pregnant Veteran Barbie:
Very similar to Veteran Barbie, only now with an added dose of neuroses and paranoia. Continuously and obsessively over-analyses every twinge, convinced that the end is nigh. Only buys stroller and decorates nursery when in eighth month. Accessories include disbelief and a sense of not quite belonging, and 10 home pregnancy tests just in case the first one was faulty or the clinic made a mistake with her beta. Pregnant Veteran Barbies have been known to pee on the sticks up until the day before giving birth just to see the two lines.

Celebrity IVF Barbie:
Celeb Barbie comes in two versions: Denial Celeb Barbie and Out the Closet IVF Barbie. Denial Celeb Barbie does not play with the other Barbies and pretends not to be an IVF Barbie at all. She drops the IVF part of her name and thinks 'Donor Eggs' is aswear word. She pretends that her twins at age 49 are Natural and she did it all On Her Own. She also claims her boobs are her own and that she has never had a face life, hence her credibility is not at an all time high. Out the Closet IVF Barbie is the preferred Barbie. We like her.

IVF Ken:
Ken is a wanker. Sorry to sound so harsh, but besides being a wanker there is very little that Ken does in IVF land. Sometimes Ken administers shots, hands out tissues and occasionally accompanies the Barbies to their Dr’s visits (normally during the first few cycles only), but mostly he is just a wanker. If you choose an IVF Ken, then try and get one that also cooks or does DIY. Otherwise just sit him down in front of your Barbie TV and let him know when it is time for him to do his, um, contribution. Mostly the Barbies love their Kens, unless Ken is being particularly insensitive or obnoxious, then he becomes a wanker in all senses of the word. Some IVF Barbies don’t even have a Ken and they do just fine. If you do find a good Ken, hang on to him, don’t swap him with your other friends.

RE Ken:
RE Ken is the all knowing, all seeing Ken. He might be a wanker, or not, but here we are talking about being a wanker in the figurative sense. He could also be very nice. He may call you by your first name but you may only call him Doctor. His accessories are many and wonderful. He comes with a zooty new car (normally very expensive), a smart house, a very healthy bank balance and a holiday home or two. RE Ken knows every thing and is considered second only to God. Some RE Kens are kind, some are not. They are all rich. Ken’s office is filled with fun toys like ultra sound machines, dildo like probes, waiting rooms filled with the different types of Barbies (some annoyingly come with miniature Barbies or Kens en tow), medicines, procedures rooms etc. RE Ken also comes with a free Nurse (Ratchet) Barbie, who will not return your calls, will hand out annoying platitudes and generally add to your frustration levels. When purchasing RE Ken you will get Ultrasound Ken and BloodDrawer Ken. Unfortunately they come as a package deal and you are not able to get RE Ken without them, they aren’t as much fun. However, you will need a RE Ken if you are going to play the IVF Barbie game.

Mattel foresee a big demand for these Barbies and say that for extra fun and lively interaction, collect the full set of IVF Barbies, put them in the Barbie house together and see the sparks fly.

Comments

[Jodi]

I want to laugh...but I just can't...it is too true, because I am Veteran Barbie.

[Julie]

I am exactly the kind of person who would put RE Ken and Veteran IVF Barbie together under the covers in the Dream House bedroom and make porn music noises with my mouth.

Chicka-wowwwwwwww...

[KathyH]

This Ken-less Veteran Barbie *is* doing just fine, especially since I learned to stop playing with Newbie Barbies.

LOVE your blog.

[Dale]

Love this! I used to have a Barbie townhouse when I was kid (my number-one prized possession in the entire world). Just think, I could have outfitted it with stirrup-equipped tables, ultrasound monitors, catheters, progesterone suppositories, and some specimen cups. That would have been so much more fun!

Oh, and can we add RE Barbie to this line-up?

[Karen]

Tertia, this is priceless. I love Barbie spoof stuff--I have a couple of books of Denise Duhamel's poetry (she does Barbie spoof poetry, it's hysterical). I would trade the heads of Newbie and Pregnant Barbie and spin them around satanically while muhahahahahing.

[Bee]

You are VERY funny. I am feeling insecure and jealous now 'cos you write very well (goodly) - see I can't even get my grammar right. No this post will NOT be all about me. It's all about you being funny, intelligent and generally divine. Gotta love you. Constipated or not!

[Ellen]

I absolutely love this. I also think you need an RE Nurse Barbie. Because they are always so pleasant.

[Ellen]

Oops. Sorry. You do have a Nurse Barbie. My mistake.

[Sandy]

I want to laugh but I'm too choked up.

You've nailed it woman.

I've clawed my way through all the stages of IVF Barbie and developed a healthy dislike of baby dust, perky tits positive thinking and pithy platitudes.

You rock.

[Kim]

OMG!! that was definately one of the funnier things I have read in quite some time!!!

[wavery]

Is there a make-do Barbie? The ones who'll make their maternity clothes from sweater sleeves? The ones who live in the Dream Shoe Box House and turn maxi pads into easy chairs? The ones who read about the turkey baster and gave it some thought?

http://www.pinelandpress.com/faq/homeinsem.html

[Meg F]

Wow... you've definitely been there. Enjoyed finding your blog. Your IVF Barbies cracked me up, especially comparison between baby dust perky newbies and ascerbic veterans. I became the IVF Veteran Barbie. Now guess I'm the coming to resolution and accepting childfree Barbie.

[Meg F]

Wow... you've definitely been there. Enjoyed finding your blog. Your IVF Barbies cracked me up, especially comparison between baby dust perky newbies and ascerbic veterans. I became the IVF Veteran Barbie. Now guess I'm the coming to resolution and accepting childfree Barbie.

[LMay]

WAY TOO FUNNY! LMAO!

[Jen3]

This is spot-on. I was a Veteran Barbie, Pregnant Veteran Barbie and am now a Veteran Mom Barbie (is there such a thing??) because I am STILL in disbelief that I ever got pregnant in the first place - and that these kids are mine. I wouldn't be surprised in the least if someone rang my door bell and told me that they were here to pick up the kids and bring them back to their "real parents". Yes, they'll be 2 in 4 months. I have NO idea when it will sink in that these are MY kids, and they are here to stay.

The only thing that I think you left off your description is with Pregnant Veteran Barbie ... very similar to Veteran Barbie, only now with an added dose of neuroses, paranoia AND NAUSEA. But she's getting lots of +++++ vibes that the crappy feeling will pass soon.

(What about Anon Barbie?? She could actually be any of the Barbie's but comes with her own separate "Anon" hat that she wears when she's feeling cynical and wants to bring other Barbie's down. She's usually a real bitch.)

Your twins were born in Jan. of 2005 - - so the inspiration for this post must have come about as you were going through the cycle that brought them to you!

[genevieve]

I hate newbie barbie and pregnant newbie barbie. i know it's mean - but I do. thank you for writing and sharing this so right.

[Lesley (Newbie IVF Barbie) ((Hug))]

What a laugh!! Just what I needed today!

I see your Doc was Dr Heylen, I'll be seeing him on the 23rd of Jan in prep for my first IVF planned for March.

Lovely blog, keep it up.

[Joyce Hauber]

I think we need a new line of barbie friends. the extended family, the good friend, the frustrating insensitive friend. really could make a fortune. hmm maybe these barbies could also come with pins to prick them with - now that would be a seller!!! :)

[Sara]

You need to add a Beyond Vetdom Barbie

[Sara]

You need to add a Beyond Vetdom Barbie