A letter to my mother

My darling Mother

Having a mother like you while growing up was the greatest gift and biggest advantage anyone could ever have given me. It is because of the confidence and values that you instilled in me that made me who I am today. Thank you for shaping me into a person who I like and am proud to be. Thank you letting us believe that we could be whoever we wanted to be, do whatever we wanted to do, there were no limitations except our drive, ambition and creativity.

Having you in my life through out my infertility has been a literal life and sanity saver for me. If there was a text book on how to be the perfect mother to an infertile daughter, it would have you as the role model.

Thank you for your unwavering support through out my journey.

Thank you for reading all the books that I read, thank you for learning about a world that must be so foreign to you.

Thank you for taking me to hospital and sitting with me through all those retrievals and transfers, remember how excited we were for our first one? You are much more calming than having Marko huff and puff next to me.

Thank you for meeting HdrH, for always taking an interest in what we were doing.

Thank you for taking me to acupuncture after transfer when I couldn’t drive, thank you for sitting there with me.

Thank you for holding my hand when I had my D&C, for crying with me afterwards.

Thank you for always having hope for me when I didn’t have for myself.

Thank you for telling me not to give up when I said I couldn’t do it any more.

Thank you for never giving up on me when I went through that dark period, when I shut every one out of my life. When loving me must have been like trying to hold a cactus. Thank you for loving me through all of my rejections of help and love.

Thank you for always thinking about how Marko must be feeling, so many people forget about him because he doesn’t talk much.

Thank you for sending me that text message on the day your other daughter gave birth saying “I know this day must be very hard for you, thinking of you, I love you”. Thank you Mother, that message helped me so much.

Thank you for mediating in the relationship with my sister, I know it must be very hard for you to be stuck in the middle of the tension that was between us. Thank you for never taking sides, for being there for both of us equally, for being the perfect mother and grandmother to your very fertile daughter, and being the perfect mother and pillar of strength to your very infertile daughter. I can’t wait for my kids to love you as much as my nieces and nephew do. They love their Mimi very much.

Thank you for saying to me, with your whole heart, that you would love my child 100%, even more, no matter where that child came from, whether DE or adoption.

Thank you for going with me to nearly every scan when I was pg with Luke and Ben, you were with me for my first scan, when we found it was quads, you supported me through out my decision to reduce, even though I know it was very hard for you.

Thank you for coming to visit me when I was in hospital after having lost Luke, thank you for sitting there in the chair, either entertaining me with stories from home or just sitting quietly. Thank you for washing my underwear, for bringing me books, special treats. You gave me some dignity. Thank you for bringing the nurses vegetables from the garden, I was their favourite patient.

Thank you for driving all the way from home to take me to my scans.

Thank you for loving Ben so much while he was still inside.

Thank you for rushing through to me when I went in labour, thank you for being there, I needed you there. All I wanted was my husband and my mother there.

Thank you for loving him so much while he was alive.

Thank you for loving him still. For never forgetting about him.

Thank you for taking me to those appointments at the breast feeding clinics, where we both sat and cried while I told my story about my little boy in hospital.

Thank you for having his picture in your bedroom, pride of place amoung the rest of your grandchildren. For always talking about him, for crying with me and on your own about him. Thank you for reading all the grief books I got, for getting books of your own and giving them to me to read.

And oh God Mother, you never got to hold him, never got to touch him, our special boy. The one we watched get bigger and bigger in my tummy, the one we loved so much. That’s not right Mother, you never got to hold him. Remember how proud we were of him when he used to roll around and kick on the scans. Remember how we laughed when we saw his bits, how you told Dad and Paul that our boy has big balls.

Thank you for being there for me, when other people didn’t know what to do with me or for me when I was so raw with grief. Marko used to drop me off at your house because I couldn’t even stand any more, I couldn’t breath any more, I was so full of pain. You just sat and held me and let me cry and wail. You let me be raw.

Thank you for taking me to the hospital for sedation when it all got too much for me. I felt like a helpless child, thank you for taking charge. I know you were grieving too, for your grandchild and for your child, but you had to be strong for me, thank you.

Thank you for the text message you sent me that said “walking in the garden, looking at the beautiful flowers and thinking of our boy Ben” a few weeks later.

Thank you for the flowers and beautiful card I got from you on mother’s day this year that said “to a special mother of a special boy”. Thank you for doing this when other people couldn’t look me in the eye. When people told you not to because I wasn’t a mother. Thank you for standing up for me, for telling them that I was. For thinking of me on a day where I should have been celebrating you.

Thank you for loving Kate and Adam as much as I do.

Thank you for meeting me at the Dr’s rooms two weeks ago when I thought something was wrong.

Thank you, for every thing you have done for me, thank you for every thing you have said, and for all the times when you said nothing and just listened.

Thank you for being my good luck charm, my muse, my hero, my savior, my therapist, my chauffeur, my cook, and now my bedrest nurse.

Thank you for being such a wonderful mother when your own mother never held you, never told you she loved you. Thank you for being so wonderful when your own childhood was so hard, your mother was so hard. I am so sorry you never got to experience how wonderful it is to have a loving caring mother. Thank you for not allowing the cycle to repeat itself, it could have happened so easily.

Thank you thank you thank you. For a million things, for everything. I don’t know what I would do without you. There are so many many more things, small things, big things.

I love you very very much, if I could be half as good a mother to my children as you are to your children, I will have done exceptionally well.

Thank you mother, I love you, more than words can ever express.

Comments

[Julia S]

Gorgeous. Wonderful. Amazing. Perfect.

[Boulder]

Tertia,

What an amazing note you've written. I'm full of tears and smiles after reading it. Your mother must be an incredible woman.

She must be so proud of her extraordinary daughter,

Boulder

[Mandy]

Oh Tertia. What a lovely letter to your mother. I think I am in love with her. No wonder you are so amazing, and what a great grandmother your babies have!

[concertina]

Oh Tertia....you made me cry!! What a wonderful mother she must be!!

Is it her birthday today? Or is she just so wonderful you had to let the world see it, no matter the occasion?

:)

[chris]

Oh, now I'm crying. What a nice thing to say to your mother.

[Abby]

Darn you Tertia, you made me cry. Wouldn't be a problem but I'm at work!
Part of your post brought back memories of my mom taking me to the hospital to be admitted to the psych unit when the postaprtum depression was so bad I couldn't stand it any more. Most of the next 8 days she made the trip to the hospital 1-2 times a day (by bus!!) to bring my daughter to me so I could bf.
Beautiful post. I hope that I can be everything to my daughter (my Kate! :-) ) that your mother has been to you.

[Kim]

Who's hogging the Kleenex?

Beautiful tribute to what sounds like a beautiful lady.

[Jess]

Also getting all teary at work reading this.

Tertia - this is one of the most beautiful things I have ever read.

[Rebekah]

Tertia, That was LOVELY. I hope that you've sent this to your mother or that she reads your blog, b/c I know her heart will just burst when she sees it. I am so glad that you have such an amazing woman by your side through everything you have been through. Now we know where you get your strength, dignity, sense of humor (love the "big balls" comment!), and most of all ... love for your children. I also think it should be said that you are already every bit as wonderful a mother as she is.

I think I'll go call my mother and tell her I love her ...

[Laurie]

I just want to join in the chorus of what a beautiful post. Your mother sounds truly wonderful and I loved reading about your relationship.

[sarah]

As a therapist I often find myself only hearing about the mothers who aren't there for their children and sometimes I fear I'll be one of those mothers who lets their kids down more than they ought to. Your letter to your mother seems to have renewed my faith in mothering. What a wonderful gift she is,and how lucky she is that you appriciate her.
Take care,
Sarah

[Menita]

Girl, you have got to stop making me cry. Really, cut it out.
What a beautiful love letter. Yes, you are lucky to have a mother like that. But she is blessed to have a daughter who loves her as much as you do, and who can express it to her so well.

[Julianna]

Okay.......sobbing uncontrollably here....

such a sweet, sweet note to your mother.

thank you for sharing

[wix]

"I love you very very much, if I could be half as good a mother to my children as you are to your children, I will have done exceptionally well."

this is almost precisely what i said to my own mother a few minutes before she died.

i was wise enough to have said it before then, fortunately; i knew i had the best mom around. it's so wonderful that you have such a beautiful relationship with your mom, and that you cherish her as much as you do.

[Khara]

Still crying. Damn pregnancy hormones. Just beautiful, Tertia. :)

[Danae]

Beautiful.

[eM]

Oh T, I can't see straight through the tears. I have only met your mom once but she was so warm and lovely. What a loving thing to write it all down to share with her (and the rest of the world).

[wavery]

Forwarding to my mom through sparkly water eyes and serious deep breathe sniffles.

I'm glad you had your mom too.

[Stacey]

Oh wow.

This is the first blog entry that's ever made me cry.

[Cecily]

Oh, god, I'm weeping at work again, you shit.

And I'm totally jealous.

But it gives me hope--your mom sounds like she had a tough upbringing, like me, and managed to be an amazing mother anyway. I so hope I can do that for my boys.

[Melanie]

Can she be my mom, too?

[Emily]

I'm crying so hard I can barely type this.

What a beautiful post, how lucky you both are.

[vicki]

Tertia,
I am approaching with dread the first anniversary of my own mother's death. She was diagnosed with lung cancer on October 30 and slipped away from us so quickly, just 16 days later.

Oh how I wish I had your ability to so openly and boldly proclaim your love for your mother. Your mother will cherish this forever.

On a lighter note, since you are not available, perhaps your mother would consider my marriage proposal?

Awed,
vicki

[Christine]

I am absolutely sobbing. What a beautiful note.

[Lindsey]

That was just absolutely beautiful.

[Sam]

I never cry, and almost never post, and now I'm doing both. Very inspiring and touching; thank you.

[KathyH]

Can your mother give my mother mothering lessons?

Your mother sounds absolutely wonderful and incredibly thoughtful. What a team you must make. :)

[Bee]

Sobbing now. Your mum is truly amazing and think I shall now officially adopt her as my second mom. You are very lucky and blessed to have her. Love you my dear friend.

[Aurora]

I, too, am touched by this letter to your mother. What an incredible woman. She very clearly knows what it takes to be the strength you need in your life and how important your children are to you. Wonderfully thoughtful of her to acknowledge your motherhood in so many profound ways. How fortunate you are to have such support and love. You are truly blessed.

[bunny]

Pass the kleenex...that was absolutely lovely.

[Kristin]

You have me in tears Tertia. What a beautiful note to your mother. It is even more special because you shared it with all of us.

[Andreah]

Dear Tertia,
Thank you for sharing the wonderful and amazing letter to your mother. Thank You.

Thank You Tertia's mom for giving her to us.

[sarah]

Tertia,

Your words and sentiment are so touching. Lucky mamma you have -- and lucky babies too.

[lobster girl]

crying here...

beautiful note, tertia. that's what's this is all about, isn't it? family. love. loyalty. motherhood.

[Summer]

I, too, just had to go wash my face because of the crying. What a powerful entry, Tertia.

[Kay]

Add me to the "crying at work" club. I'd shut my office door, but there's still the floor to ceiling windows. I have a big teardrop spot on my skirt so now it looks like I've peed myself.

Thank you Tertia and Thank you Tertia's mom.

God bless the bunch of you - you have blessed so many of us by your writing.

[laurie]

pass the kleenex

[Kathleen]

How lucky you are to have such a loving mother...how lucky she is to have such a loving daugther.

Thank you for sharing your mother and your love for her. Beautiful.

[Charmaine]

I agree! Pass the kleenex but what a powerful letter of love.

Tertia, you are so blessed to have such a wonderful mother but that is why you are so driven to be a mother yourself. You had the perfect role model, she is lucky to have a daughter that realizes just how wonderful she is and can express that to her.

Don't worry about trying to be 1/2 as much of a mother to Kate and Adam, you will be just as exceptional. Your struggles will allow you to appreciate your babies like many others can't imagine. They are doubly blessed to have such a beautiful grandmother.

[Amber]

Sounds like the apple did not fall far from the tree. Two fantastic women...who I would love to meet, but probably never will. I know I am a better person because of you...and for that I thank you.

[cheryl b.]

Oh Tertia......

[bond girl]

I am bawling, in an office full of men. This is so beautiful, heartfelt, touching, open and wonderful.

[Carrie Jo]

Thank you *sniff* It was so beautiful. I admit I'm envious because I don't have a great relationship with my own mom. I hope to be like your mom in the face of my childhood.

[Karen]

This was beautiful. You are beautiful. What a lucky mother daughter team you are. Love you, girl.

[A Different Em]

I pray I can be as wonderful a mom as you have. And while mothers don't expect a thank you, I think a letter like yours would be like winning the lottery. Beautiful. Thanks for sharing your moms wonderful qualities. What a great cycle to continue.

[Tracey Dixon]

Beautiful.

I couldn't finish it.

I've never missed my mother more than I do right now.

*wipes tears*

[Alana]

Ok now you've really made me tear up. That was so beautiful.

[Mollie]

Your mother is one lucky woman.

So are you.

So are your babes.

[Laura]

Well shit. Now you did it. I never cry. But you squeezed it out of me.
What a wonderful letter.

[Nikki]

It's hours after I read your post, and am finally composed enough to respond. That is the most beautiful and poignant testament of love that I have ever read.

You, your babies, and now your mother are in my thoughts every day!

[Nat]

T-

Tears here....

That was absolutely beautiful. Adam and Kate are going to *adore* their Mimi, just as she will love them...

Bless you all...

[DeAnn]

I'm totally crying. And I'm sure she feels equally as lucky to have you!

And someday, I hope you get a note similar to this with loving praises of you, the mother!!

[Ute]

So much love flowing both ways... Wow.

[Dana]

Crying as well...and wishing my mother was still here to hold my hand through infertility. But I'm also happy that yours has been here for you Tertia, that you are wise enough to appreciate it, and eloquent enough to put it in to words.

[Puppermom]

Like everyone else here has said, you have touched my heart again. As I sob at my desk, I wish that I had a mother like yours. You are truly blessed and I know that you will be the same kind of mother.

[Slim]

*sniffle*

You and your children are so lucky to have your mother -- and vice versa.

And how wonderful that you know and can express it so well, even if all around the world women are humiliating themselves at work.

[Martie]

Tertia I'm in tears. What a beautiful letter to your mom! She sounds wonderful and I'm so glad that you have her in your life. She sounds a lot like my mom and I imagine my mom would have done the same for me, had she been alive when we struggled with IF & IVF. I think your mother must've been so happy when she read your lovely letter. You're both so lucky to have each other in your lives! Enjoy the wonderful, close, loving relationship you share. It's a gift!

[Kristine]

Oh. Can't stop the tears...

[barren mare]

Beautiful. Just beautiful.

[lorrie]

Beautiful, I too am blessed with a wonderful mother, and so so so grateful for it.

[Puppermom]

OK, my second comment on this entry. I copied your letter and sent it to a bunch of people, warning them that they would cry. I told them a little bit about you. I told them how special you are. I told them how much I admire you and how eloquent you are. They are all Tertia fans now.

[Tonya]

Good Lord. I am bawling my bloody head off, which is unfortunate, because I am not pretty at all when I cry. I get puffy and splotchy. You heard it right, not pretty at all. Damn you and your fantastic, loving, supportive, beautiful mother.

[flossie]

Beautiful warm gorgeous open letter. I need to take time now to do the same for my own. Thank you for sharing her with us.

[Jessica]

Your post was beautiful and it made me cry :) Thanks for sharing...

[Scott]

Beautiful. Sigh.
Those are not tears, I got gunk in my eye.
Damn, Damn, Tertia made me cry.

[Sierra]

Ok, crying now. What a beautiful note. You and your mother are very lucky.

[Julia]

Thanks for this. It is beautiful.

I just wrote my mom a thank you letter. Thanks for the reminder to do it.

[Dana]

you are so very lucky - my mom was a complete you know what.

what a beautiful tribute -

[B]

I love your mom! Thank you so much for sharing her with us.

I love my mom, but she's had too much of her own stuff to be intimately involved in mine.

What a very special relationship!

B

[Nancy]

Thank you for sharing this wonderful gift of love, Tertia!

[NSR]

Yes, am crying now too. What a beautiful letter. Thanks for sharing.

[Heidi]

I'm sobbing. I just found this link from your recent entry. Wow, what a letter. I hope you gave it to her.

I have a pretty wonderful mother, but I feel she rather let me down a bit during my infertility. It was a surprise for me since I've always thought that no one could understand me like my mother, so it made me feel very alone to find out that this was one area she just couldn't quite understand with me. How wonderful that you had a mother who was SO in-tune with your situation and feelings. You are truly fortunate. And best of all, you are AWARE of just how fortunate you are.

[Jenny]

can't stop crying....finally finished reading this post on my third try.
I LOVE YOUR MOM. You are v-lucky girl and a v-good daughter to realize it.

[liuyihan]

Is this a foreign web? I am chinese

[sonny]

Its a great blessing that comes from God to have a Mother..a Mother who knows the real meaning of LOVE, UNDERSTANDING, PATIENCE AND CARE. You should be the most happiest child. Like you I used to have a mother like you do. Its just that She was taken away by God. But I can say that my Mother too is the BEST there is. I can describe her as "The virtuous Woman".

I love you mom...

[Erin]

That was quite possibly the sweetest thing I ever read. I am so teary now.

[Rigil]

I love your letter... it's so touching

[Obaidullah]

Mother is the bank where we deposited all our hurts and worries
Hundreds of dewdrops to greet the dawn,
Hundreds of bees in the purple clover,
Hundreds of butterflies on the lawn,
But only one mother the wide world over.

Regards
Obaidullah Afghanistan

[Lindsay]

OH MY SHATTERED NERVES!!! I have a wonderful mother too. You wrote that so beautifully and I can only hope that my daughter will feel like that about me too, one day. Thank you for sharing it with us. Lots of love at this difficult time, T!

[wahid]

Really ur mom is great.hope Allah will be mercy on ur mother and also on u...Wahid , Bangladesh.

[lieben]

Interessante Informationen.

[ami]

wew,,,
i love this letter,,,
so touched my heart...

i love my mom very much,,,
but u can express it very well,,,

nice to know you,,,

ami

[frida pace]

beautiful letter i cry so much with this :)

la verdad me encanto tu carta es muy emotiva y bonita mis felicitaciones :D