My local pg magazine has an article entitled ’10 things every mother to be should know’, so I eagerly turned to the article, wondering how they would manage to articulate that over-whelming, terrifying newborn stage. Alas, it was a bunch of naff* stuff that didn’t really say much. So I decided to adapt theirs, and add a few of mine.
So here is ‘10 things every new mother should know’ Tertia style:
1. Don’t rush home from hospital!
Enjoy your stay in hospital! Do NOT be too quick to rush home. Never again (unless you are Rich and Famous) will you have people change your linen for you, bring you food, take away the dirty dishes, watch your baby if you need it, allow you to sleep if you want, answer your questions etc. Act like a queen while you are there, take full advantage and enjoy those few days because…
2. Homecoming is f***ing hard.
You know that wonderful fuzzy image of you and husband, sitting there bathed in light, cooing at your gorgeous, quiet newborn? Doesn’t happen. Replace aforementioned picture with image of non-sleeping / screaming infant – screaming because…g*d knows why; husband screaming because child is screaming; you screaming because you are bloody exhausted and wish the baby / husband would shut up. The first few days are damn scary, because…..
3. Babies cry for no apparent reason
Yes, they cry because they are hungry, tired, wet etc. But sometimes they cry for no apparent reason. And it drives you crazy. You will be tempted to tell your baby to SHUT UP. I am sure if they could talk they would give you a perfectly good reason, like ‘I am scared. I am tired. Your breath smells revolting, what the hell did you eat for lunch? I hate you. You suck as a mother’ etc, but because they can’t talk, you will be at your wits end. Plus you will have the added extreme annoyance of your husband saying ‘but why is he crying?’ As if by giving birth / adopting, you can suddenly translate baby crying into the local dialect. When you gave birth / adopted the Dr gave you a manual and said ‘here, just use this handy manual to interpret all those screams into English, in case your husband asks you ‘why is he crying’’. You will want to kill your husband. This is common, because….
4. Your husband might, or might not, turn out to be as your expected
Some husbands are really good at this baby stuff, some aren’t. Don’t be too upset or disappointed. Rather be realistic and if he isn’t good at some stuff, let him do other stuff. Work out what works for you. Remember as well, husbands can be extremely annoying at the best of times, this is magnified when you have a baby. Of course it doesn’t help that…
5. You will not sleep. Ever again.
Yes, some babies sleep through from six weeks. Yours probably wont. And you might think you know what it is like to have a few sleepless nights way back from your college days. This is different. This is relentless, this is night after night. Never again will you feel so tired. Being so tired means that…
6. You will lose 80% of your brain.
It might, or might not come back again. We have yet to find out. The remaining 20% is there to (hopefully) remember how to feed and look after your baby. There is not much left for any thing else. As a result….
7. You will look like shit for a while after the birth
No, you will not fit into your pre-pregnancy clothes for a while. Unless you are famous and have a personal trainer, or you are Naturally Thin. In both cases we hate you. Bitch. Do not make the same mistake I made and bring ‘thin’ clothes to wear home from the hospital. Or else, like me, you will have to go home in your pajamas and embarrass your husband by having to walk from the maternity wing, through reception in your PJ pants and slip slops. You however, will not care because…
8. You become priority number 999 on your list of things to do
Yes a happy mother makes a happy child and you should look after yourself blah blah blah….. There isn’t enough time to eat, sleep and shave your legs. To be honest, sleeping is way more important than having hair-free legs. It’s not as if you will be having sex soon because…
9. Sex will be the furthest thing on your mind
Sex? Are you bloody mad? Who the hell feels like sex with in the first year after the birth, when you are bone tired, covered in spit up and old milk? Your husband, the poor deprived bastard, that’s who. And because you feel so sorry for the poor bugger you will have to give in occasionally. You will do the deed with one ear open, listening for the baby, thinking of a million things you should be doing, because
10. Your life will never be the same again.
It is no longer about you, your whole life has changed and it is now all about this new little life you brought into this world. And you know what, in spite of every thing, it is pretty fucking amazing!
Enjoy! But don’t say I didn’t warn you.
*Definition of 'naff' found here and here. Naff is my fave word.
Someday, I hope this list will be unarchived for my own personal use.
Until then, you made me laugh because you made "fucking" into "f***ing" in item 2, and I was all like "hey, we used to say fucking around here? Are the babies reading the blog already? Fuck."
But then you wrote fucking in item 10, and peace & order returned to my world....
xoxo
Posted by: Boulder | 29 March 2005 at 08:48 AM
Hahaha. So true.
Welcome to Motherhood, please fasten your seatbelt and prepare to be sacrificed to the parenting gods.
Posted by: MollieBee | 29 March 2005 at 09:28 AM
And somewhere far above actually shaving my legs on the priority list is feeling bad that I'm hardly interested in making the effort to shave said legs.
Well said. Each and every number.
Posted by: Meredith | 29 March 2005 at 10:21 AM
How perfectly stated. I don't know how many times I've gotten the evil eye for telling "the truth" to some people. I'm so glad that you're honest and not just painting soft watercolors about parenting and infanthood. Its not easy. Never has, never will be.
Just another reason that you're G&D.
Smooches
Posted by: Blondie | 29 March 2005 at 10:24 AM
Wait--at your hospital they changed your sheets, brought you food, and took care of your babies? At mine they let me wipe up my own blood off the bathroom floor, tossed me a stale croissant for "breakfast" and stuck my baby's heel every 30 minutes. Assholes. I'm having my next baby in SA.
Oh, and I read some blurb about some researchers who have been studying the "do we get our brains back" thing and they've been doing before and after CAT scans. Apparently we end up with even better brains. You know, to help us figure out how to shave our legs again.
Posted by: Moxie | 29 March 2005 at 11:35 AM
HAHAHA - sorry dear but your brain will NEVER be the same again. Sure we regain it but it's just not the same cleverness it used to be - see there for e.g. used a word like cleverness - what IS that about. Ho hum. Doesn't matter anyhow 'cos we are G&D so who cares how clever we are. Tralala.
Posted by: Bee | 29 March 2005 at 11:38 AM
good stuff, tee.
here's a few from hong kong:
11) your parents stop seeing you as their daughter...you are now officially the mother of THEIR grandchild
12) if you are breastfeeding, you really don't care who sees your boobs, because they are not anything sexual, they are the lifesaving device that is going to shut up your wailing beast of a child.
13) you wake up soaked in sweat (your body losing weight) and you are relieved...for a minute there you thought it was blood.
14) even if you never liked it before, you are liking chocolate.
15) baby clothes shrink. there is no way your child ever fit into that newborn size. it must have shrunk in the wash, wish all your pre-pg clothes.
16) it is a lot of fun to gently pull a baby's chin downwards when their lips are together...it makes that cute THUCK sound.
17) meconium is actually melted car tyres.
18) people, even friends, seem happy to give you the worst case scenario.
nuff said. very sweet looking babies these days my darling. xo
Posted by: tess | 29 March 2005 at 01:20 PM
That was SO well written! It should be published LOL
Posted by: Melany | 29 March 2005 at 02:25 PM
I have always wondered why women were in such a hurry to get home from the hospital. It was wonderful! People brought me food and gifts, my baby slept nestled in the crook of my arm or in a bassinet by my side, the one night she was fussy all night a nurse volunteered to take her so I could get some sleep, I had a handle to help yank myself out of bed (vital after a c-section), and I only changed one diaper! How is life at home with a newborn going to get any better than that? :-)
Posted by: tracy | 29 March 2005 at 03:52 PM
True, so true. Wouldn't be so damn funny if it wasn't!
Posted by: Chris | 29 March 2005 at 03:55 PM
I delivered at Moxie's hospital (give or take a thousand miles). After much arm twisting, they let me go home 36 hours after the c-section. I finally got some rest, soft sheets, and good food and no disinfectant smells. I hate being in hospitals. Aside from that, a hearty "amen sistah!"
Posted by: Diana | 29 March 2005 at 04:24 PM
I love slip slops! I'll never call them anything else again.
This list should be given to every newly pg woman. Thanks!
Posted by: Jill | 29 March 2005 at 04:26 PM
11) Sometimes it's not like that. Sometimes it's not like that at all. But you should be aware that it could be.
We are so screwed for child #2.
Posted by: Krissy | 29 March 2005 at 05:22 PM
Now THIS is a list they should publish in the pregnancy or parenting magazines, but they won't. They'd probably blame it on not being able to find a model that actually looks like a new mom.
Posted by: Mandy | 29 March 2005 at 05:23 PM
Well said.
List is being printed out as we speak and posted on my fridge for future reference.
Posted by: Sherry | 29 March 2005 at 05:26 PM
heehee, you said slip slops instead of flip flops.
wait...what???
(just kidding, I am listening, but you know, I'll re-read when baby is born and then it will sink in)
Posted by: Lily | 29 March 2005 at 05:31 PM
omigod... Childless in Vancouver here... and I gotta say... this entry represented every fear I've ever harboured about having a baby... although, after having taken 37 years to convince myself that it will, indeed, be worth it... I'm now questioning whether I should return to my previous stance... Do you like children??? Oh yes, particularly when sauteed with onions.
KIDDING OF COURSE... But boy... Tertia... I feel your pain... I really do... so well written...
Manuela
Posted by: Manuela | 29 March 2005 at 06:16 PM
I have to point out that staying in the hospital after giving birth vaginally is not the same thing as staying in the hospital after major surgery. A cesarean is a miracle if you need it, but recovery can be hard.
I've been a childbirth educator, doula, la leche league leader, and labor and delivery nurse, and I wish that mothers could go home as soon "as they feel like it." For a nice vaginal birth without perineal tearing that's probably a few hours. For a cesarean it could be a week, or longer with complications.
Posted by: Shamhat | 29 March 2005 at 06:28 PM
That is the best damn post I have ever read! Sooo true!
Posted by: Ginny | 29 March 2005 at 06:52 PM
This was so great! Often those magazines don't really get into the nitty gritty of it all. They show pretty pregnant women but they don't give it to us straight. When anyone asks me what it's really like -- I always tell them about the lack of sleep. *Yawn*
Posted by: kat | 29 March 2005 at 07:30 PM
Oh man, that is priceless. But as you know, the pregnant woman can't believe you - I think it is one of the pregnancy hormones that causes you to close your ears and go "la, la, la - everything will be fine."
Pregnant with number 2 now. Mine will be 19 months apart if all goes well. (IVF and FET). I can't quite imagine the hell it will be those first 6 weeks.
Also Hong Kong person - a great other set - all SOOO true. No modesty about your body for months.
Posted by: Betsy | 29 March 2005 at 07:31 PM
That made me laugh so hard I think I peed a little. I would add that friends and family never care to see you again, it's all about the baby. Show up without the baby and you will get a look that will shrivel you to pieces.
Posted by: Carrie | 29 March 2005 at 08:19 PM
Thank you! I'm counting down until my c-section on Monday. It's been nearly 5 years since my daughter was born. I feel like I've forgotten everything.
Posted by: Pazel | 29 March 2005 at 08:24 PM
Those are all so true! I was so sad to leave the hospital. The nurses were at my beck and call. Also, I could order as much food as I wanted! Like a hotel, only I didn't have to pay the room service cost. my insurance took care of that. Ha.
Thanks again. That list is perfect.
Posted by: LHB | 29 March 2005 at 08:36 PM
well put! now if we could just somehow get moms-to-be to understand that this list really, truly applies to them. i don't think anyone ever believes they will have it as hard as other moms have until it does in fact happen to them.
Posted by: wix | 29 March 2005 at 09:25 PM
It is totally fucking amazing!
Posted by: cursingmama | 29 March 2005 at 09:26 PM
Aw...so true!!
Posted by: Lori | 29 March 2005 at 09:37 PM
Horrifying. I am now rethinking my whole stance on having children. Is it really that bad? Oh God. I wonder if my husband will notice if I stay on birth control for the REST OF MY LIFE.
I appreciate the honesty, but now I am petrified to ever spawn.
Posted by: Lisa | 29 March 2005 at 10:00 PM
brilliant. I have a theory on #3- I think they are programmed to cry x hours per day, where x varies from baby to baby. Mine for example cries/screams/hollers approx 6 hours per day. Sometimes it's half an hour here or there, sometimes all 6 hours in a row.
Posted by: lisa | 29 March 2005 at 10:09 PM
I was lucky, for both of my hospital stays I got to stay 5 blissful days and nights. I loved it. Ahh, it was wonderful. And then you get HOME. And real life sets in dammit!
Posted by: maia | 29 March 2005 at 10:10 PM
VERY WELL SAID!
I could not agree more :)
Posted by: Brandi | 29 March 2005 at 11:14 PM
Lisa,
I haven't had the experience that others here have had. We've had a great time of it and love being parents, sleep deprivation and all.
That said, I only had one, and he was an easy one. And you don't know what you're going to get until they come out!
K
Posted by: Krissy | 30 March 2005 at 12:35 AM
All so true!
Thank you for teaching the American crowd the word "naff." But one of your links lists conflicting etymologies. Do you know which is correct:
(1) Originally Naff was Medieval Scottish for vagina.
-or-
(2) original meaning: "not available for fucking"
Really, these two possible origins could not be more different.
Posted by: Orange | 30 March 2005 at 01:23 AM
you've really outdone yourself this time. excellently written and caused me to laugh out loud at work... especially #7 and #9... but sadly oh so true.
Posted by: vanigirl | 30 March 2005 at 03:28 AM
best article about motherhood!!! =)))
Posted by: roseee | 30 March 2005 at 04:59 AM
HUH???
My baby was born at home. There was no "hard" homecoming. Everyone and everything was lovely to me for about two weeks straight. I cried out of sheer joy for what I had just been through. Who cared if the baby cried? That's what they DO! You don't always have to figure it out. I looked better than I ever had before with all those hormones - wasn't skinny but I didn't care. Wore sweatpants for two weeks, didn't care. My husband turned out to be phenomenal... I think that had to do with the control we had of our birth. Didn't loose much sleep... I slept with baby and breastfed on demand so I got tons of sleep while she slept. Couldn't wait to have sex again. Hmmmm. I know dozens of women just like me. We must be weird!
Posted by: Kim | 03 April 2005 at 06:14 AM
There are many women out there who are scared to have children, now you've really put fear into them. I don't understand why you didn't say anything nice about being a mother as if you hate being one. I'm 4 months pregnant and I know that all my sleepless nights will be well worth it. I wonder are you and your husband still together.....
Posted by: Kitanpaw | 25 May 2006 at 01:36 AM