« No good as a porn star, apparently. | Main | Sleep consultants: You! »

Comments

Feed You can follow this conversation by subscribing to the comment feed for this post.

Sleep deprivation will drive us to do many things we wouldn't ordinarily do...I have lived like that for many moons now! I don't think it is a horrible idea, but I would check references or ask for referrals...speak to other moms who have used this service and find out from them what their reactions are. It may be that everything she does is stuff you are doing or have tried already. Or, it could be that she will quickly become your very best friend (kind of like the anesthesiologist if you go for the epidural - I send mine a Christmas card!). Do the research first, then decide whether or not to use her.

Sleep consultant - ha! Goodness knows I've tried just about everything there is on getting kids to sleep - maybe I could be one of these? :-)

I think it's clear from this http://www.baby-love.co.za/success2.html story that this is a program that uses CIO. Which you can do yourself, if that's what you want/need to do.

I don't think a sleep consultant is a bad idea, I just don't get the sense from this website that this particular one is going to tell you something you don't already know. I guess you could check out a workshop though.

I wish I had better advice - Jamie's only woken up a couple of times wanting to play in the middle of the night (he's woken up plenty, but usually just to nurse) and each time the magic boob got him back to sleep. Thank god, because the thought of trying to get him back to sleep otherwise makes me shudder. I'm sorry you're going through this.

It sounds like she does recommend a little bit of CIO (for about 15 min). It may be worth it to work with her just to help you gain your confidence in what you can do to nudge Adam to sleep better without feeling like someone should give you a rotten mother award. Sometimes just having someone tell you it's OK to do something makes you feel that much better about it. Good luck.

The only thing I wasn't crazy about her site is she says she recommends knowing the training prior to the baby's arrival. I'm don't really advocate sleep training for breastfed babies until they are a little older. We did a bit of CIO with our daughter, but she still woke up once a night to nurse from 3 months until 6 months. After that, she slept through on her own.

My Anna has slept through consistently since she was four months old but my Eddie sounds just like Adam. They will be 1 next week and Eddie just started to sleep through (almost all the time) about a month ago. My take was always they are just different babies but I know exactly how you feel - typically my answer was give him a little bottle and he went back to sleep. I just refused to play in the middle of the night - he has struck up a little frienship with this doll we gave him and still I can hear him sometimes at 3 am saying "hey mama" "hey mama" and then I hear him babble to his doll for about ten mins and he falls back to sleep. My thoughts are to try anything that feels good for you - why not the sleep consultant. I always ask myself this question when I try something new "what can it hurt?" Good Luck.

I know the natural inclination is to look for help when nothing you are doing seems to be working for you; however, the website for Baby Love looks like nothing special and it's all stuff you could read in a book or figure out yourself. With the vast input from mothers all over the world, I don't think you need her AT ALL.

What worked for me, with all three children, was to make a very clear personal space for each child: their crib, in my case. This was their very own space and they could have toys if they wanted to play. But from day one, they slept in their crib. Each child reacted to this in their own way, but after a month or so (and intermittent stages) of crying for 5-10 minutes and being generally upset, they all settled into their space. Joaquin, who is eight months now can be put into his crib at night and left alone and he will go to sleep on his own (no rocking, no bottle, just a pacifier). When he wakes up, he just reaches until he finds his pacifier and goes back to sleep. In the morning, he starts talking and that's how you know he needs his nappy changed. If you are really having trouble, the best advice anyone every gave me and I'll give it to you now was: take the two weeks of training it will take to let him cry. He will eventually understand that you can't play with him or rock him to sleep at night and will stop expecting you to. You have to be strong about it, though and willing to have the house disrupted for a couple weeks. Once you've all got it down, though...heaven. I'm not saying it will work for you, but that's better than anything Baby Love's got and all my babies have slept in their cribs since early in their lives and found ways to entertain themselves in their cribs until it was time to get up. I know lucky me, but it took a good couple weeks with each child before they settled into a routine and realized that I wasn't going to pick them up just because they didn't want to be sleeping. They only leave their crib when they need their diaper changed or they need to be fed and they were only fed according to their normal schedule. No extra bottles to help them go to sleep (that's what pacifiers are for). Of course, all this is my opinion and a way that worked really well for me. Take it or leave it, but know that it is meant to be helpful. Good luck (and forget the sleep consultant...you can do this without spending extra money on something like that).

I wouldn't pay money for someone to show me how to CIO (which it looks like they subscribe to) when you have books and all these internet people who could for free. But I'm cheap. You seem to be at kind of a breaking point though. Did you ever end up trying "CIO" on your own? I know there was a countdown at some point.

From the testimonials it looks like letting them CIO for 15 mins. I guess if you need someone with you to help you through that, it may be worth the money.

I agree with Heather. This will give you the confidence to know that IT IS FINE for your children to cry it out (within reason, of course).

My parents are visiting me right now and my dad remarked that he's sort of amused that parents today think that they have some new formula for child-rearing that's going to revolutionize it. Humans have been doing this for millenia and we're in no dnager of extinction and seem to be thriving, he said. You and your kids are going to be fine. A happy mother makes happy children. Your endurance and patience can only stretch so far.

Interview this lady and hire her if you like her. Get the rest you need. Good luck.

Doesn't know who Ferber is or what CIO is? I call 'bullshit' on that. And, one of those success stories had a baby crying for almost 3 hours. http://www.baby-love.co.za/success2.html

Hi, Tertia,

I'll preface with the usual disclaimer: I don't have kids so I am not qualified.

From reading your posts, it seems to me that you are at the breaking point, and that you kind of really want to try CIO, but you feel bad about it and you want as much validation for it as possible. I'm also not a psychiatrist, so my insight might be wrong.

Here's how I see it. Adam wants to play. He is crying in the middle of the night because he wants to play - not because he's sick or dying or frightened. He's frustrated and bored. To me, this seems like a perfectly good thing to try CIO on. I know there are people who are totally against it, but I'm not. What's the worst that happens? You try it, for say a week, doing the standard leave-him-for-an-hour bit. So if it works, you're in heaven. If it doesn't work, will an hour of CIO for a week have traumatized him for life? Honestly, the kid is going to suffer things a hell of a lot worse than that. If someone wants to claim that even *trying* CIO for a week will damage him, I'd have to think that, say, him getting sick will damage him more. If the psyche of a little boy is so fragile as to permanently feel an abandonment complex because you weren't there to play in the middle of the night for a week, I'd think it would be equally susceptible to feeling like you just couldn't help him when he lays there feeling sick and hurt and you don't make it better.

I think the parents who do CIO and whose children grow up with problems as a "result" are parents who neglect their children in other areas. These are the parents who aren't troubled by their child's cries. You are clearly not that person. You care, you want him to be ok, and you won't be fine with ever seeing him suffer. I think it is ridiculous that anyone would claim that if you try CIO you are a bad mother, and all of you readers who thing I'm wrong can take a big byte of my happy @$$.

You need to do what is right for your family. You know what's right (whether you choose CIO or not). You don't need us, or a sleep consultant, to validate that instinct. Ignore the people who say you are doing terrible harm, because they will always be around (not just on CIO, but everything). You are a great mom, and I wish the world were full of more moms just like you. Please trust your instincts - it will make your life better and your babies lives better, too.

I know you are at the point where you would do anything to get Adam to sleep. When I went back to work after Caleb was born I really thought I would collapse from exhaustion. Once he was up at night he wanted to be up and playing and that was it. I really don't remember when it got better. I remember that I spent a lot of time with an aching back from trying to nurse him back to sleep for hours at a time in the middle of the night. The Baby Whisperer routine helped us with daytime naps but nighttime was desperate. I don't think a sleep consultant can you help because unfortunately there is no cure all. If there was one I'd have found it. They are all different as you well know from Kate and Adam. Sorry this is really not much help. I know it's agonizing. I do feel for you. My screamer turned into a great sleeper at about 9 or 10 months and used to actually ask to go to bed. I don't remember how it happened; I think I was just too exhausted.

Hi Tertia,

I'm just wondering about something. Does he get a bit of playtime with you or Marco before he goes to bed? I guess bathtime would qualify as playtime! I'm just wondering if he's figured out that he gets Mom or Dad all to himself at night, cause Kate is fast asleep and he doesn't have to share. Hey! I'm probably speaking through me arse, but it was the first thing that popped into my head...Adam just wants some attention that Kate doesn't get.

Spoken from my know-nothing paradigm of non-motherhood. I'm probably wrong!

Rosemary

Hey Tertia and Kelly,

Eddie and Adam could come over and be buddies with my son Tyler. My daughter has slept throught the night since about 9 mos, but Tyler is all about waking up, sitting up, and YELLING for someone to come play with him. He was adopted from Korea at 6 mos, so we went along with it for the first 2 months as I was off work and I didn't want him to have any adjustment issues. However, around 9 mos I had to get tough. I tried going in and patting his back and talking to him, but not picking him up. That just pissed him off. I tried picking him up and snuggling a little then saying it's night night time and puttinghim back int he crib, again, pissed off screaming. (No tears or sobbing, which my daighter did, just angry yelling at mommy for leaving him and not playing.) Finally we gave him a doggy, it's a little soft thing with knots for paws, and he chews on them. That is his buddy for the night, and I don't even go in when he wakes up now, I just listen on the moniter and let him go for 10-15 min. Knock on wood, he has put himself back to sleep every time. I didn't start this tough love routing until he was 9 mos and not taking a night feeding. What is it about boys anyway? Good thing he's so damn cute. :)
~Melanie

I dunno. A baby sleep person who doesn't know who Ferber is??? Way suspicious. I would go with the one on one time before bed and then after you've checked on him, back to the crib he goes. Mine has a Fisher Price aquarium and his Cookie Monster to keep him company. But he knows that night time isn't playtime because I won't do that. But he's never CIO in distress, he's just angry and bored.
Ohhhh Tertia, this is so hard, I'm so sorry. I hate the sleep debate. The problem is, no child is the same as another. Some people are totally against CIO, but with some children that's all that works. And some people are all about CIO, but I think some children it harms more than it helps. A very sensitive baby may really be afraid. So I try to leave my son alone if won't go back to sleep unless he sounds frightened or extremely upset.
But, I'm still up at least once a night. I think the majority of kids don't sleep through the night until they are three.

I just scanned the success stories and it does look like CIO for short periods but CIO nonetheless. My sister did the CIO with 5 minute increments. And it worked for her after just a few nights. Kind of like a gentle CIO.

I just wonder if doing it with him would interrupt Kate's sleep or would she sleep through his cries?

I look forward to seeing what you decide to do. Perhaps a consultation with her is in order. Then you can better decide whether it'll be the right solution for you.

I wasn't impressed with the site. If she really hasn't heard of the "experts," how good can she be?

My assvice is this....
1- If he wants to play, don't. "Mama tries to get me to sleep and then I go to my crib and then I pop up and wail and she takes me out again" is a practically a baby version of poker. Keep him in his crib, but sit where he can see you. He'll know you're there, and for me at least listening to them wail is easier when you know they aren't hungry, scared, lonely, covered in blood or poop, etc. Mine will become bored with this and fall back asleep MUCH more quickly than she will get bored with being rocked, cuddled, and cajoled to sleep.

2- It will get better as his tummy gets bigger and as he starts to crawl. Mine didn't sleep straight through until she started eating big daytime meals and motoring around the house. The extra exertion was enough to really wear her out!

Good luck!

Nah, but just 'cause I don't think you need it. I think you've done enough research and you just have to take action! The only "wrong" thing to do is to keep doing exactly what you are doing because it obviously isn't working for you, you need your sleep! The worst thing that can happen is that whatever you try doesn't work, and then you're just back where you started, so nothing is lost, and even if it fails it might point you towards something that does help. You won't damage the kid by trying something consistently for a week, and you sound like you already have good ideas. I say just do it, and start tonight! You can always change your mind if you can't stand it once it is underway, but try!

I read all of the testimonials and did see the one where the boy cried for nearly 3 hours. But then, he eventually trained himself. If you want to do CIO, maybe signing up for the course will make you feel more committed to it. However, I don't see what there is to learn. I agree with the comments above that point out that Adam wants to have uninterrupted play time with Mommy. Try the other suggestions about the toy and about staying out of the room and see how that goes. But I wouldn't bother with a consultant.

I too would be a little wary of a "sleep expert" who has never even heard of Pantley or Ferber. Definitely talk to some paretns who have used her before you pay the money to really get a better idea of what she is all about.

What does your mom say about adams sleep issues? After raising a bunch of kids she must have some thoughts no? I think if you are going to trust someones advice because she is a mother go right to the source.

My sister is one of those who swears by The No Cry Sleep Solution book. I know it took her about 3 months of applying everything she says before it worked consistantly and her kids slept through just about every night. Not the immediate results of CIO but now she has two great sleepers and never shows up at a baby shower without that book in hand. Not sure how consistantly you have tried the stuff in that book but from my very unscientific sample of 2 babies it does seem to work if you feel strongly about giving a CIO alternative a good go before heading down that road.

Best of luck with whatever you try. I am one cranky bitch when I don't get my sleep. I sympathize.

hey tertia
i reckon you're doing an amazing job, i really don't know if i could hold it together if i had twins first-off! btw, my best mate has twins 11mo old - one of each - and her little boy is just as much a nightmare and her little girl an angel - thats how it goes, huh?!
i am assuming that you've read all the books, but i found that the Baby Whisperer by Tracey Hogg was great, and all my friends swear by it for getting their babies to sleep.. if you haven't given it a go it's worth a shot.

Good luck!

If you think it would help to have someone with you while Adam CIOs, then she's worth it. Otherwise, no.

I truly cannot imagine starting a business with no education in that area.

I say, Go for it!-It can't hurt and what if it works out and Adam finally goes to bed and stays asleep...

I think the experts have nothing particularly useful to say on this question (maybe if Adam's behavior was pathological, you'd have to get real help from a pediatrician, but it's not). Thus, if you like this woman, I'd see nothing wrong with trying her out (I'd actually kind of like that she doesn't know all the "official" stuff, which I think has been tied up with the politics of how to raise children, rather than the child itself).

good luck dealing with Adam's sleep. My kids are terrible sleepers, especially my first. But, that's a problem I'm willing to just deal with.

bj

I'm going to disagree and say, go for it if you can afford it. Here come my OPINIONS: 1) yes, it's CIO 2) she does know about all the "experts" and is playing dumb so you don't get turned off if you don't like one of them 3) Adam will sleep fine if you let him CIO (opinion!) 4) you seem unwilling to do it by yourself and Marko won't help 5) you need someone who has seen CIO work with a bunch of kids to come over, hold your hand, and do it while you put a pillow on your head 6) otherwise Adam will probaby end up playing at night for a looooong time (opinion!) and you will get reaaaaaaally tired. So tired that you may become quite sick from flu etc, become unable to enjoy your babes at all, or become unable to work well. That's what happened to me before I got to work myself up to CIO with colicboy.

I think it would have helped me to have someone there reassuring me. I had my dh support, but it sounds like Marko is not really helping at night, nor does he support any kind of training (if that's not true, I'm sorry! It's just what I think from your posts). That's got to be really hard on you if you decide to "go it alone". So yeah, go it alone is cheaper, but this way may actually be much easier for you.

Good luck!

*Puts on old timer wig and walking stick* Try Guinness! As long as you both drink it, it will be problem solved. I think... My short term memory aint too good no more *hic*

I cannot be bothered to read all the comments before me -- but I do know that I will probably be one of the few who cuts through the crap to say:

Pay for the help if you feel a professional opinion will bolster your confidence...
but, I believe that that boy needs to help himself go to sleep. And I think he is going to have to CIO to do it. And I think you are going to CIO while he does -- and Marko is going to have to tie you up to keep you from going in there (which he will like immensely).

It's time, in my opinion.
The boy is toying with you.

And it will continue.

Yeah, what colicmommy said.

Anything is worth a shot. Go for it. And if it doesn't work, CIO, my friend. xoxox

I guess I should have linked the site...she just does CIO with you?? Better check it out.

I'm on the fence. I agree with the people above who say that if you feel you need some validation and coaching in order to do some modified CIO, than by all means, it might be worth it. On the flip side, I don't believe that she hasn't heard of Ferber or CIO, so that makes me suspicious, and you don't sound entirely comfortable with CIO anyway.

My own experience with my daughter: Rocking her at bedtime or wake-ups was the single worst thing I ever did in my life. I did it because I couldn't stand to think of her scared and alone without me at night. It didn't dawn on me until she was nearly a year old that she was unable to relax and get into a sleeping mood any other way, and that I was probably doing her more harm than good. Let me tell you, when they are a year old, it is much harder to break a bad habit like that, so you're smart to try to think of a solution now. (Yes, I did some modified CIO -- I stayed visible, in the room, but didn't pick her up or maintain any kind of eye contact -- and it worked like a charm. But I won't lie -- it was hard, emotionally.)

Good luck, whatever you decide to do. Until you resolve it, why not get Marko to take a turn one night with The Enema and give you some shut-eye? These decisions are so much easier to make when you're not half-insane from sleep, and he may even develop a technique that you hadn't thought of that will resolve the sleep issue. The Marko Sleep Solution, I like the sound of that!

I voted for you to use a sleep consultant, but not this woman. I'm like you -- a read-everything nerdy type. I have found that I usually feel better going with service providers who have an approach similar to mine. While your acquaintance is probably very good at what she does, if you don't really trust her, feel comfortable with her skill (expressed for us nerdy types through knowledge), you may not be comfortable enough to follow through on her advise and suggestions. Just my two cents!

Jen

The one thing that jumped out at me about the web site is that no where do they talk about their professional qualifications to be offering this service. I was looking for an "About Us" section that says something like our staff all have degrees in Child Psychology or are licensed Pediatricians, etc. That just raised a red flag for me.

I don't know about this. Not enough info. I did happen to read the story about a kid crying for nearly three hours. That's persistence! The fact that he stopped, though, and settled into a routine argues against him having anything physically wrong with him, other than stubborness. I know, I know, this is not the p.c. answer. Bad habits are had to break. I have seen so many of my friends setting themselves up for later trouble with "sleep props" as this particular site puts it. If you don't want to continue to rock your child every single night for the rest of your life, then don't do it at the beginning! And no, I don't mean little, tiny babies. They can not be spoiled by being held. But later, and you can be the judge of that, they do come to expect certain routines to be followed. So set up healthy routines and if there's a bad habit, break it as soon as possible before you lose your ever-lovin' mind! You need sleep. That sweet little devil Adam can catch a nap during the day with Rose any old time he wants. Meanwhile, you have to be careful the boss doesn't find you snoozing in front of the monitor. Good luck on what you decide to do.

It sounds like supported CIO. One of the women sounded like she now lets her baby cry for 1 1/2 hours - that is a really long time. I don't think I could handle that. The rest sound like the babies cry for 15 minutes or less.

You can probably do this yourself - but if you need the support of another human being helping you get through then a sleep consultant might help you quite a bit.

I hope you find an answer soon.

Tertia, I read through many of the comments, I am not putting my e-mail down because I don't want an "influx" of hate mail from your fellow readers, although I have used my correct name. You are an absolutely wonderful mother, I know that you love your children and want the absolute best for them, but sometimes, you have to be the "meany". You have to be firm and strong, even when it is breaking your heart. Adam has you wrapped around his finger. He knows that you will come running if he squacks. There has been a reversal in your relationship, with him calling the shots. Time to change it back, to save your sanity. You have to draw on your inner strength (I know it is there, no one whould have as many IVFs, etc, and all the disappointments that went with it, and still continued on unless they had that strength), and be firm with Adam. I am not saying letting him CIO for three hours, but Adam has to understand that night time is sleep time, not playtime. You are not doing this to hurt him, you need your sleep, and you and Marko must become the parents in the relationship.

I have friends whose children rule the house. It happens, parents want to be best friends with their children, rather then be their parents. I just don't want you to be one of those families that need Nanny911 http://www.fox.com/nanny911/ or Supernanny http://abc.go.com/primetime/supernanny/

Tertia, it's time!

CIO with Handholding. That's all it is. If you can spare the bucks and deal with someone in your home overnight for a couple days/weeks, then go for it. Personally I'd just do it myself and save the money for something else. I cannot believe she is offering franchises. I must be doing something wrong that I can't come up with something like this to make money. But who would think you WOULD get someone to pay for this?!

Anyway...I can pretty much assure you that CIO is the only thing that is going to work for the little cutie (love when they lift up the bumpers to find you!)...so if this helps you then go for it.

I'm in a huge sleep war with Jack right now. Neither of us are getting any. I would say that I'm willing to try about anything, but when it's time to take action, I'm a huge wimp. Hiring a consultant would take the responsibility off of my shoulders, making it very attractive. On the other hand, I know it's something that I could do on my own if I just tried hard enough. Am I reading you right or just myself?

I don't think I'd hire a consultant just because I can't see myself doing it. But, do whatever it is that you need to do.

However, I'd find another consultant as a sleep "expert" should definately know about other methods out there, if only to debate them or study them. Either she knows but doesn't want to say which one she likes, so you buy the book yourself. Or she doesn't know and really should.

Tertia, I have read your blog for a few months now and I enjoy it very much. I have a boy named Camden who is 7 1/2 months old and has NEVER slept through the night. He is breastfed and we co-sleep because these two things combined keep us all sleeping. I am like you and can not (have tried it unsuccessfully) to do the CIO thing. I always come back to this: He is my baby now and he needs me. He will sleep on his own in due time and for now I will simply have to LIVE (and I will) without as much sleep as before. This is part of being a mom. It does not end when the sun goes down. I know it is hard and frustrating to you. There is the textbook baby and the other baby. I know. Bottom line is, I think if you change your perspective on it, accept what is going on, go to him when he cries for you, and wait until his comprehension skills develop a bit more (15 months or so) you will see things in a different way. Just think of all the things you went through to get him. A sacrifice of a little sleep for a short time in your life isn't too much, is it?

I'm sorry, Tertia, I have no advice for you, nor do I have assvice. But knowing, as I do, how you thrive on our inane comments ;) I just want reiterate that you are amazing and that my thoughts and hugs are with you during this difficult stage.

I do have one clarifying question, how long is he napping for Rose during the day?

I think every parent gets to the breaking point, and it seems to me that you are there. When I hit the breaking point I turned off the baby monitor (her room was next door) that way we didn't hear the little noises. When she really cried one of us would go in after a pre-determined amount of time (2-3 minutes I think) and make sure she was o.k., pat her back until she settled, and leave. After a few days of this she stopped waking in the night and started sleeping through. It was hard to hear her cry, but it was harder to have an overtired family.

I say no to the sleep consultant - I think you know just what to do.

Whenever my daughter would wake up to play I would turn on her Fisher Price Aquarium. It would get her attention, then lull her back to sleep. When she got old enough, she'd turn it on by herself. She got *addicted* to that thing. So addicted we bought 3. One for our house, one for Grammy's house and one spare. We wore them ALL out!

Now my son has the new improved version (Fisher Price Ocean Wonders Aquarium). At almost 5 months he has learned to bat at it in the night and thanks to the new, bigger turn on button in the front (it's more of a panel really) he can usually manage to turn it on himself. Sean and I will hear the water bubbles in the night and know he's back on his way to sleep.

I swear by those things.

As for the sleep consultant, I agree with some of the other posters that you could probably do that on your own.

Best of luck!

3 hours? Good grief, what a scam. Of course a baby will "learn" that way. They'd also learn not to call for you if everytime you came in for a week you screamed in their face.

Even if a person wants to use CIO, there are plenty of books and methods that are far more compassionate and reasonable.

She's damn lucky her clients are sleep deprived and willing to do anything.

I think giving counseling before the bay is born is bullshit. You can read a book about it with the same result. An expert can, I think help you sorting out what kind of kid you have, and how you therefor should treat him. But I do'nt think this one.

Mijk

Tertia -- I hate to say this, but Adam has you wrapped around his little finger! He knows exactly what he is doing, and is enjoying being in charge!!! :^)

I didn't go to the site you linked to (I am at work, and time is at a premium) but anything that will get Adam to sleep through the night would be a good thing!

The lack of proper qualifications listed on the site also raised a red flag to me.
On the other hand you will be there, and you have read a lot about the subject so if something seems wrong you can put a stop to it.
In the end, it's your call. Good luck!

And don't be fooled, it IS CIO (or FIO if you want to call it that way)

You'll get through this, that's what I think. Nothing lasts forever.

Hi Tertia,

I think that if you did need any validation, that CIO was the right thing to do with Adam, then perhaps the 50 or so women before me would help. 50 women who ALL seem to think that Mr Enema is just messing with Mama's head, and that while his little finger is probably just gorgeous, it's not where you want to be right now.

We know you adore your children. We get that you don't want him to feel alone or scared. BUT. We also get that you are so completely exhausted that soon enough, you are going to crash. We get it, because we've all been there.

I agree with the comments about a comfort toy. I don't know if he has one already. Also, my son had a musical toy on his cot (do you call them cribs?). We used to pull the string (before you all get upset - it wasn't a string as such, it was completely safe). Soon enough, he used to pull the string himself in the night. We would be asleep at 2am, then suddenly wake to Brahms Lullaby over out monitor. But it worked for him.

Basically, the only real concern is whether you can bare to listen to him fussing or crying, without picking him up. My sister had this problem. So I stayed with her, and we played a crapload of poker through the night, watched videos (I know, you aren't a TV kinda gal). But I was there so she wouldn't cave.

Is that an option for you? Could your Mum come and give you a hand with this? Just a thought.

This is something that you could do without a professional. If it's inexpensive, then I guess, you could go for it. But I doubt that it is, and I'd be saving my money. Coz next time you need to give Marko a gift, you might need the money. Otherwise, it'll be more IOU cards! ;)

I meant "One Free Pass" cards. Sorry.

people will probably disagree with me but my Kate used to wake and want to play - I couldn't rock her back to sleep, etc., she still does this, usually at about 4am. I started putting her in the swing. I don't speak to her, I don't play with her, I sometimes don't even change her diaper - into the swing she goes and asleep on the couch (or the nearby bedroom now) I go. She entertainsherself until she falls back asleep - she got the idea I wouldn't play with her - now she will (sometimes) go back to sleep at 4am.

It is a gradual process for me as I can not cry it out. You need a way for Adam to occupy his awake time without you so that you are not up playing with him.

good luck - I can't believe you haven't gone crazy yet -

Dear Tertia, I know what you're talking about. Like all your others loyal readers, I sense that you are at your last drops of energy. It is in the interest of your family that you draw the line NOW. Sometimes parents have to decide and children have to accept, even if they don't understand. You are the parent, you are in charge, and if for the best of all involved, you have the right to decide to try a different approach in the sleep problem.

I personally never followed a plan (I'm more the spontaneous type) but I read the gentler versions of Ferber and CIO advice books, too. The main ideas are right: children have the right to learn to put themselves to sleep alone. By making them depend on us we don't do them a favour. But we should teach them gently and in accordance with their abilities at every age. I did it in gentle steps and never let them cry for long. But I discouraged activity at night. Maybe I was too gentle...

I think you can try one of the books listed by other readers, make a clear plan and follow it. If you feel like it, explain it to Adam in the daytime, when you are having fun. Tell him that Adam has a little bed at home and can sleep whenever he wishes, but Mummy has no bed at work. She has to sleep at night, and Adam has to learn to let her sleep.

And then DO IT. He won't hate you, he won't be traumatized, he won't resent you. This is education. This is parenthood. They love you only more for it when they feel you know what you are doing. This adds to their feeling of security. You lead the way. Don't let a little boy lead - not because you are more powerful and stronger, but because you are wiser and have the responsibility.

I remember these times so well, I send my appreciation to all parents of young babes. Be proud of yourselves. And Tertia: you're doing a great job. Your babes look so happy, they would make a marble statue smile.

I think if she is a sleep consultatnt she should at least *know* who those people are, even if she doesn't follow them. I mean, can you consult in matters of sleep without having all of the information?

That isn't to say she wouldn't be helpful though. It sounds like she has her own method and I suppose its worth a try, especially if she has a high success rate.

Good Luck!!

"franchise opportunities" "correspondence courses" my descern-o-meter is ringing alarm bells.
I KNOW that sleep desperation. It's horrific! But ultimately I think you are going to be a better expert for your babies than anyone else. Trust your instincts, Tertia; they are alive and well somewhere amongst that shocking exhaustion.

oops *discern-o-meter*

Seriously, another expert is probably the last thing you need. Effectively they do little more than teach us mothers to doubt our own instincts.

Good luck.

My question is: why isn't Adam more tired? Is he getting too much naptime during the day? Could you instruct Rose not to let him nap in the late afternoon and let him get more tired? Could you feed him cereal before bedtime? Well, that's assvice from me but I figure it's no assier than anyone else's. I probably wouldn't pay for this woman's consultation--you may just end up feeling peeved afterwards if she doesn't give you anything you couldn't have read in a book.

Oh, I'll go ahead and admit it--when I desperately needed a good night's sleep, I gave my baby a weight-adjusted dose of children's Benadryl. Years later, I confessed this to one of my physician co-workers, and he laughed out loud and said he did that with all his children too! What the heck. Don't make a habit of it. But if you really feel you are at your wit's end, give yourself a treat.

Personally, I'd always rather go with an approach that takes the actual child into account rather than just sticking with a one-size-fits-all approach. I say go with her.

OK, I take it back. I just read the success stories and they all say this thing taught their kids to sleep all the way through the night from Day One. That's bizarre and kind of scary. Don't waste your money.

Melissa4444,

As one of the posters before you, I want to say that I do not think Adam is "messing" with Tertia's head. Nor do I think CIO is the only sane option at this time.

This is Tertia's decision. If a mother cannot take listening to her child cry, then why try to talk her out of that? Why not just support her? Same with a mother who wants to us CIO.

Hi Tertia,

Haven't posted in a while but still reading your blog when I get time. I would give it a go. What have you got to lose except for a few Rand(?) if it doesn't work? And I agree with some of the other posters in that Adam has you wrapped around his adorable little finger. He needs to learn that night time is sleep time and he needs to learn how to soothe himself back to sleep when he wakes up. When I had trouble with Oliver getting back to sleep, my MIL suggested firmly placing him back into his cot, back to you, and just patting his back. Every time he turned around, turn him so his back is to you and keep patting his back. That way he knows you're there but isn't tempted to engage with you. I hope it works out for you soon.

Cheers
Angela

I knew even before I read her site what her method was, and sure enough, the success stories were CIO.

It's picking him up that does it - keeps him up and chipper, cause he knows he's going to get picked up. You're reinforcing the behavior, because he's being rewarded for waking up and crying.

Going in to pat his back every 15 minutes shows him he's not being deserted, that you're still there. One of the mom's couldn't handle 15 minutes, so she did every 5 minutes. It took longer, but her kid is sleeping.

We have a couple of Nanny shows on TV, who also implement the CIO methods, and they stay with the family to support them during the nite. Without fail, it works. They all have different methods of reassuring the baby that mommy is still there, and I think that's where the angst comes from. Your responsibility to Adam is making sure he's fed, comfortably dressed, and to teach him how to sleep. His responsibility is to sleep.

You need your sleep! There's more battles coming up and you need to be clear of mind for them. :-)

Also, I remember reading that you said you knew what you needed to do, but just didn't know if you could do it. I don't see any reason not to have this lady's support to help you get thru it. You're not deserting him by patting him on the back - that's the mantra you need to tell yourself.

And I didn't think her methods were 'one size fits all'. It sounded like the parents adapted their own ideas to her methonds for the most part. It's the patting on the back that will get you thru.

whatever you need to do, Tertia.

I like the sound of what people are saying about picking him up reinforcing the behaviour, and I also think that 15 minutes of crying is going to mess with your head big time.

How about some happy medium that you feel comfortable with? Like 2 min of crying, or continuous sitting there silently, or patting him with face turned away?

Hope you find somehting that works for you.

Hey Tertia, I saw one reader ask above how long does adam sleep during the day?
Katelyn did this two days a week.(now we are down to one day) The days she goes to my sister in laws....
I found out last friday that what it is.. is that Esther let's her sleep ALOT.. so at night she is wide awake
she sleeps in bed with her till 9 or 10 he lays her back down again.. my brother asked my mom last friday why my daughter sleeps so much at his house. Needless to say he was going to talk to his wife that night. So tommorrow we will see. Katelyn also has the F.P ocean wonders aquarium and LOVES it. I will hear it in the mornings and she turns it on goes back to sleep..
I think he might need less sleep than miss Kate. He sounds soooooo adorable though!!!
Good luck!!!!

dawn in ky

Well, one of the success stories included regular crying for 1.5 hours and one incidence of crying for 2h45m. That's worse than Weisemblum or whatever his name is, so I personally wouldn't go anywhere near her program.

I'm also highly suspicious of a sleep consultant that knows nothing about the history of the research done in the area for which she is consulting. And sleep had to be one of THE MOST researched areas. Sure I can see not knowing what CIO stands for but not knowing Ferber or Pantly, come on. Just about any baby will "learn" to sleep if left to cry for hours on end. The whole things seems like a momey makinf scam to me. You could do better with any of the countless books out there.

1.) Wake up and smell the CIO!
2.) My Samantha sleeps thru the night and becomes an asshole v early in the morning by starting to whine for me to play with her.
I NEVER go to her and the pattern has been that eventually she got bored with being bored and went back to sleep.
After about a month of being ignored, she has finally gotten the memo that mommy ain't playing and now she sleeps thru the night and still wakes up early, but, has stopped making noise and just stares at the things in her crib for amusement (i.e. mobile, aquarium thing, animals, etc.)
3.) This chick is a big fat liar b/c we all know that she knows who Ferber is. He is the competition.

hi tertia,
I also agree that someone who doesn't know CIO etc is highly suspicious. Besides, it is CIO.
I also wonder about Adam getting enough 'tiring out' activities before bed or if he's napping too much. I'd start to shorten his naps and try to keep him up later so he's exhausted by nightime. Swimming is a good activity to tire them but it's your winter now. I'd be really careful that any of Adam's night time attention be purely focusing on going back to bed. I hear the sign for 'go to sleep you little bugger' works wonders...i just can't find out what it is. :)

I am amazed. AMAZED. Everyone agrees, T: you are an asshole.

Time for the red-eye to get some shut-eye.

With Dana, I read Ferber just to give myself strength, but there was nothing in that book that I didn't already know in my heart (well, maybe some of that stuff about the brain waves and all, but otherwise...). You don't need a consultant, T. You need to stop thinking that letting Adam cry a little will make you a bad mother. Seriously. Being sleep-deprived at this stage is putting him at more risk than drawing a few boundaries. I mean it. GROW A BACKBONE, TERTIA.

Hi Tertia :-) I don't think it can hurt to listen to someone who has been there, and learned something that works. She may or may not have beneficial things to teach/suggest to you, but it can't hurt to investigate if you're suffering. She may not be what you are looking for, or she may have the answer to your prayers. For a weird comparison - when I was learning how to look after/train my dogs (then puppies), I read books, and talked to people who had learned from experience, and the talking to people yielded golden advice. For myself, I'd talk to her.

Trust your gut. Her site doesn't contain a lot of actual information about her method--and I have never really heard of an expert who doesn't know who any of the other experts in the field are.

If you do see her, just trust your gut as to what might work or not. She may have good advice, but always trust your own above all.

You might try a little, gentle CIO and see her later if there is still a problem. Good luck anyway you go.

Kathleen,

When I said I thought Adam was "messing with her head", I was being light and flippant. But. I believe that as long as he believes it will have the desired effect, Adam will continue to demand Tertia play with him.
Tertia has been talking about wanting to attempt CIO for a while now. I'm not pushing the idea on her. She has asked if we think this sleep therapist is a good idea. It appears that the technique used is CIO. So I'm saying, that I don't believe she needs to spend the money, but can do this by herself, or with help from her Mum.
It happens that I don't believe in letting children CIO for extended periods of time. I believe a few mintutes (I'm talking 5 at a time) can be beneficial. Certainly not leaving Adam or Tertia distraught.
I'm not sure why you chose to highlight my post above the many others who believed it might be time to have a go at CIO. I don't believe that my post showed a lack of support in any way. If it did, Tertia, I'm really sorry. That was not my intention at all.

Of course she has no idea what CIO is. She has reinvented it and given it a new name! She doesn't really inspire much confidence, does she?
Give CIO a try if you want to. I reckon you'll last three minutes, tops. Talking to your mum sounds like a good idea. Adam has gotten into a habit, it seems. Just remember - nobody ever died from lack of sleep. It just feels like you COULD....

Just adding that I've always heard that the more sleep begets sleep. The better Adam naps during the day the better he *should* sleep at night. The earlier a baby goes to bed the better/later he/she will sleep. That's actually worked for us. During William's 3rd month I moved heaven and earth to try and keep him up past 7pm (when he was obviously ready to conk out). The nights he stayed up until 9 he'd be up 2-3 times and up for the day around 5. I finally gave up and now he goes to bed around 7pm..and sleeps until 6am with no wakings.

Just something to think about. I wouldn't necessarily cut out his naps or try to keep him up later.

At www.babysleephelp.com, they offer a free ebook on sleep teaching that was written by a social worker/Mom. It might be of assistance..

The comments to this entry are closed.

Adgator



  • Medsitters Au pairs

More Ads


| More

Alltop



Bloggy Stuff


  • Living and Loving


  • SA Blog Awards Badge




  • Featured in Alltop


  • Page copy protected against web site content infringement by Copyscape


  • RSS Feed
Blog powered by Typepad
This is the Reviews Design