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Ditto everything you said except for telling DH that I'm going poop and to leave me alone. In our little world, it is just understood that I don't poop. I like our little world. I'm v v happy here. :)

I've been able to keep things quiet for 12 years due to fact that I just don't have any pooping issues. When I have to go, I go. In and out in the same amount of time it takes me to pee. (Hoping I'm not jinxing myself into a bout of constipation!)

The anonymity of the internet is a beautiful thing. I would never discuss this with anyone in real life. :)

Holy mother of G_d. I was the first to comment about poop.

Oh. The shame.

Mark and I never close the bathroom door and often hold lengthy conversations while one of us is taking a shit. And we fart on each other on purpose, because we're five.

When my husband started staying over at my apartment, I once went four days in a row without pooping. I finally had to tell him so he would leave me alone for long enough to undo the damage that I had done.

We've been married for six years and we STILL don't poop in front of each other. Farting is exactly the opposite.

Wait until the day comes that the kids insist on going to the bathroom with you....except for at work, I'm never alone in the bathroom..

I am exactly like you. Except that I don't forsee a time where I will EVER do #2 in front of my husband. As far as he knows, I just never poop. At all. And there is no farting in my house. Ever.

One morning, my husband was lying in bed, thought I was out of hearing distance and he let one rip. I opened the bedroom door, gave him "the look" and he was so embarassed that he ducked under the covers in shame...thereby giving himself a "dutch oven"!

Nope, I won't fart infront of DH either. There has been times in the wee early hours of morning when I am half awake and one slips out and then I just clench up praying another doesn't sneak out. He never hears me.

On the otherhand, that's how I know DH is up. It's more predictable then a morning erection!

Eh, Hubby and I fart constantly in front of each other. I have really bad gas issues (from IBS), so I really can't hold it in. He won't poo in front of me, but I'll occasionally poo w/the door open, but insist on no one witnessing me wipe. We both talk to each other through the door while making poo.

I guess I'm not hung up on it b/c of how I was raised. My dad was a real "wind machine" and talked about pooing and farting all the time.

I never comment but had to on this one. :) I never fart in front of my husband, nor use the bathroom in front of him, however he has no problem farting on me and forcing me into the bathroom after he has just used it!

I've been married for almost 6 years and I always close the door when using the bathroom. It doesn't take me any longer to poo than it does to pee, so no one knows the difference.

Dh will pee with the door open.

Farting...well we've never been shy about that. :)

Farting is completely a non-issue (though I wish he would be a tad more considerate at times) but about the pooping... when we got married he was SOOOOO free about farting I finally just gave up and farted whenever I felt like it - no holding it in for his sake. Bah.
Esp. in our one-bathroom house and while on vacations with other people, I found that pooping before you take a shower is a great way to allow the bathroom to air out before others use it. No one needs to know.
Any horror stories about having to ask for a toilet plunger? =)

HAH, this is so funny. But I shouldn't laugh at you. I'm the same when it comes with #2. I have to be totally alone in the bathroom when doing #2. My husband can't talk to me either, can't concentrate if someone talk to me when pooping. heh
But as for farting, I don't care. if he's happen to be around, well, too bad.

If I didn't fart in front of my boyfriend, I would implode or explode. In fact, I didn't fart in front of him the whole time we were friends (because I wanted him to like me!) and then we got together and I commenced the farting immediately. People fart...

And for that matter, they poop. I have no modesty about the issue at all, and I think I'm um, influencing him. He used to be very uptight about it, but now he's willing to joke....like, making fake farty noises with his mouth while he's on the pot...making it sound worse than it is. And teasing me about the smell.

What can I say? We're very, you know, earthy.

well, considering my upbringing, i have absolutely no qualms about farting or pooping in front of my husband. my mom and dad used to be extremely open about it (i.e. dad would fart then stomp his foot and kill the "barking spider"...lol!) hence i am that way. though i've never poo'd in front of my husband, if the need arose, i would absolutely not hesitate to take care of business. he, on the other hand is like you. i must stay away from the closed door, not talk to him while he's in the bathroom, etc... as far as farting, well, i guess we are quite immature as sometimes it's almost like a contest to see who can do it louder and/or the longest. in fact, the 1st day of our honeymoon, he was lying on the bed, i sat on his chest and farted right on him. that's love baby!! do get ready for a big change girl. once those kiddos start walking, you will have company join you while you poo. they'll want to look into the toilet and ask if that's mommy's poop and will want to flush it and watch it go down. your pooing privacy is about to end so savor it while you can!

Maybe it's a girl thing but I maintain the belief that I don't poo, ever! (only to my partner of course). Although poo really has become - just one of those things since I met my partner as he had had an ileostomy a couple of years before we met so poo really does form a massive part of his life - and ultimately mine.

We have endless hours of toilet humour amusement because of it :-)

Alley

What a sad lot, you gals.

Good Christ, I can't imagine the logistical stress of trying to hide bodily functions from someone I am married to.

We were in a cemetery once years ago, first married, and I had to take a crap like mad (reading tombstones always does it to me), but of course no loo for miles. No people either, thank God, so Geo convinced me to just go ahead and squat down under a tree like a dog. Fucker took my goddamned picture as a joke! We both thought it was hilarious.

Add in two kids, and wiping their butts, and having a chorus of "I needa go POOP!' echoing through the place at all hours, and I cannot, CANNOT imagine having even a shred of concern about hiding any of it. Of course, I do enforce a "no potty talk" rule at the table, but it's a losing battle.

I mean really, T. Get a life, fartbag.

Tertia, I'm so glad we're in the same boat. I was reading those polls thinking "Is she trying to send me a message that I should be ok with doing these things in front of someone? Because I'm NOT!!" All of my bodily functions are not for sharing. I literally smacked a boyfriend once for trying to take a photo of me squeezing a blackhead*.

I do share my bath though. Whenever I run one, my oldest dog comes in, looks at me, and puts her two front feet in the tub. After a few minutes of this, she does the back two, and then sits right down in the water. They are our most loving moments :)

*I have no idea wtf he would want to do with such a photo, anyway. Creepy.

Unfortunately, on our Mexican (i.e. diarrheal)honeymoon, my husband thought I had shit the bed. Turns out I had only accidentally slept naked on a Kahlua chocolate, but OH, the mortification when we both woke up with brown goo all over us, not knowing where it came from. The horror.

Oh, and a follow up. All these people talking about the kids joining you...they are crazy people. I NEVER EVER would have even THOUGHT about doing that with my parents. It did not happen in my house. Kids will only join you if you let them, and I don't think you will let them.

Plus, you know they tell their friends at school about it. And those kids tell their parents. How humiliating would THAT be at a school open house. "Oh, you're the mother who stinks up the bathroom. Yeah, Adam told Suzie all about it."

No. Way.

I think it was the right after first time I slept with my (now) husband that he actually walked into the bathroom when I was taking a bath and took a shit. This was a small bathroom, i.e. your knees hit the tub when you were sitting on the john. I was shocked.
It has just been downhill from there.

We have no privacy in our house, everyone walks in on you when you are in the bathroom. Usually the door is open. Though, I have to say, with a pre-teen now, I am starting to practice a bit of modesty, for her sake (that and the fact that if you leave the bathroom door downstairs open you can see right into the bathroom from the front door...). In any case, it was our choice, and I can throw them all out when I need to, so I think you'll be able to be in control on this one, Tertia.

This is so funny because Dh and I were just talking about it. For the first year or more after we got married - I would make him go sit on the balcony if I had to go #2 - which was really funny in the winter (well funny for me - freezing his booty off for him!). I NEVER ever farted until one night 3 years into our marriage when I was in the ER (couldn't quit throwing up - thought I was having heart attack from pain - was serious GERD attack from Chicken piccata - will never eat that again!) and I HAD to do it - and it's not like he could leave. He watched for me to make sure others were not around (seemed to be an all male staff that night). Before this he used to beg me to just let it out and not be in pain but I refused. Let me just say he now rues the day that he begged me to fart because now I have NO qualms and just let it rip (at home only of course). My Dh, DD and I are the gassiest people I've ever known and we always say the family that farts together stays together - because no one else wants them - LOL!

Mary K

HAAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAAH this may be the FUNNIEST one yet Tertia. The Funniest. LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL.

And just for the record, Ive known my semi-DH since we were very little so burping, farting, pooping, is all just part of life for us.

although any other boyfriend Ive had, Ive never ever ever gone to the toilet in front of. Aish. Or at least Ive never done that whilst sober

Oh Tertia- I hope your kids don't turn out like mine. When they were small, if I closed the door on them they would wail as if I had abandoned them! I could lock the door and they would find a way to climb through the keyhole.

So,I lost my inhibitions early on. Now, they know that if the door is closed, they are NOT to come in! My dh however, ignores this rule from time to time....sheesh.

I fart in front of my bf so much he calls me "Pooty Pootwell," but it did take me a loooooooong time to be honest about my poo habits. A VERY LONG TIME.

I nearly choked on my (rather lovely) red wine laughing, this is hilarious. I have to confess that my brother and sister and I would always follow my poor mother into the bathroom no matter what when we were little!

This reminds me though of a classic moment for a poor friend of mine - her sister had recently married and as they lived in different states in Australia she hadn't really seen much of her new brother-in-law. She went to stay with them and off they went for a weekend on the new BILs boat. Unfortunately, she had to go while she was on the boat, and even more unfortunately the toilet refused to flush properly.....upshot was the new BIL spent over an hour trying to clear the blocked toilet. It was years before she could look him in the eye without blushing.....

Ah toilet humour, there's nothing like it! Oh, and I'm like you - I read once that Jackie Kennedy used to run the taps in the sink while she was in the bathroom so no one could hear ANYTHING and despite the awful waste of resources I was only horrifed I hadn't thought of it first!

Ok I usually don't comment but am just rolling: does anyone else see the irony in that T. can't poop or fart in frontof hubby, but can quite easily and openly discuss it here? You crack me up. For the record, I can poop/fart in front of hubby and most certainly in front of my son (2yo) as I never get to go to the toilet alone.

I think it's hilarious that you are such an open book about everything, but you don't fart in front of Marko! That is so sweet. I farted in front of my husband the first time we had sex. Yeah, that was romantic. But, he kept coming back for more, so what can I say? I guess I'm just irresistable.

You have a husband that never farts in front of you?! I didn't know such men existed. My husband farts, and often. And it's disgusting. So on the rare occassions when I fart, I am so excited to let loose in front of him to get him back. Of course mine aren't the noxious clouds of death that he emits so even then it's not really fair.

I, for some reason have trouble pooing arounf others. Can't do it in public restrooms unless it's THAT BAD, and I'll still go out of my way to find a remote bathroom or one that has only one stall... When I forst moved in with my hubby, his bathroom door wouldn't close all the way because of the carpet and it was a tiny one-room residential motel. I had to get used to that REAL quick. Hated it, though. Farting, I could care less about though. But when hubby does it, it's gags a person so I wish HE would leave the room when he has to.

BTW< Robin, I never heard anyone else use the "Barking Spiders" term! lol. When my little sis was about 5 she farted, then said to me, "Hey sis, come her, I have to tell you a secret!" When I went over there and smelled her little stink she smiled and whispered "I have barking spiders in my pants."

Oh My Goodness! I thought it was just me! I've been married for 8 years now, and I still don't poo. Honest! I live in Dani's world! It's great here! I still tell him I have to pee, and then I'm in and out in a flash. And farting...hell no!!!!

And the funny thing is, it wasn't my upbringing. My sisters are all pigs!

Thanks for the giggle Tertia. I lost a baby yesterday, and I needed something to make me smile! Thanks!

OK, this post? Is hilarious. I couldn't be more opposite - I relish farting in front of my husband. I'll actually announce when I feel it coming - so much of the fun is hearing his groans and complaints of the stench! Apparently, I'm twelve.

Melissa4444- I'm so sorry........

Don't you know? You just plan the whole operation around showers and baths. Put the water on to mask any sounds, then take a long shower so that any odor has dissipated by the time you open the door.

Wow! If I didn't fart in front of DH, I'd explode, too. Esp. when pg, I had some serious issues with gas. Poo is another matter entirely. I never poo in front of him. I will also go to great lenghths to avoid pooing at others' homes--even when staying there for several days.

Smiling V hard.

I would NEVER poo or fart anywhere NEAR K.
My mom always said that the mark of a good marriage is when you can crap while he brushes his teeth.

This little tidbit put me off marriage for years.

and the very idea of my parents, brushing and crapping? well, let's just say that I am getting help.

I almost had to poo with K within earshot. We were in Paris. The room was very quiet. I had not pooed in several days. Luckily for me A MARCHING BAND began to play just outside our window.
It was like god was there to protect me.
Me and my private poo moment.

I've never commented before (shameless lurker) but oh my god this is the funniest thing I've read in ages. Your post was v. hilarious Tertia, but the comments are pure comedy gold. The Kahlua chocolate...priceless.

Growing up no one in my house had bodily functions. You didn't talk about any of it. AT. ALL. EVER. As T said, It just wasn't done. "If you can't talk about some thing nice..." and all that. I always found it ironic (once I was old enough to grasp the concept) that my mom would cough to cover up the sound of her farts, which only made them come out louder. But heaven forbid I ever laugh out loud when that happened.

When I was about 8 and heard the word FART for the first time and then said it in front of my parents, you would have thought I had slauhgtered Mahatma Ghandi there in the living room the horrendous repucussions that came of my crime.

Because of that I was physically unable to say the word "fart" outloud, even under the covers in the dark in an empty house until I was well into college. I could say "cocksucking pigfucking shitslurping ball biters" with no problem. Could not SAY "fart."

I don't really object to hearing farts, mine or some one else's. I mean, every one does it, HAS to do it. It can be funny when timed right or done with a cute facial expression. It is the stink that I object to. Make a funny noise, sure, I'll laugh, but please warn me or vacate if there is danger of suffocation. It is just polite not to wound your audience.

Pooing, eh, I'll shut the door and won't walk in on the SO, but we can talk whilst sitting, no problem. Both of us are quick, in-and-out types though. None of that half hour on the pot stuff.

A little off topic but I can belch so loud it astounds frat boys. It is like opera singing, it all comes from the diphragm and a lot of practice. I am very proud of this ability and about the only time I don't attempt to peel the paint is when I am at work. The think I am a mild-mannered librarian-looking middle-manager. Ha!

I've been married 2x - coincidentally, both husbands share the same birthday albeit 19 years apart. My age is in the middle of the 19 years.

First husband? No farting, no number two-ing, and on the first few dates with him, I could not bring myself to eat in front of him. Once I even peed in the sink so he couldn't hear the sound as the tinkle hit the toilet.

When we separated, we had a last meal with some friends who discovered the no wind policy and said no wonder we were divorcing.

Second husband - oh my. He farts up a storm, leaves the bathroom door open when he's pooping, offers to let me look if I give him a quarter - nothing is sacred. Any time I fart, he gives me a look and announces "That's disgusting!" and we laugh like hyenas. I hold the record for the longest fart in our household - I am so proud - probably 30 seconds. It just kept going and going and going, like the Energizer bunny. OTOH, if he's eaten something that will produce revolting results, sometimes he'll purposely stand in front of a fan and it's a turbo fart. The smell comes at you fast but keeps going.

He farts a lot. I fart about once a day. Seriously.

Other than this, we are fairly mature people and I've never been happier.

Some days I have to clear DH and both kids out of the loo while I am trying to poo.

My husband is a walking fart machine. OMG! It started the first day we met. I won't do it in front of him, but apparently as soon as I fall asleep I have no control. I was horrified when my hubby told me of my night time gas. He thought it was cute. There was an episode of "Malcome in the Middle" that dealt with this that was hysterical.

As for the poo....husband has an open door policy (of course). For me that's how you can tell if I'm going 1 or 2....if the door is closed then do not enter!

I think I have only farted in front of my husband (we've been together 8 years) about 3 times. Well, 3 times that he knows of (as in, with sound ;-)). Once was when I was squatting down to get something (so loud and v embarrassing) and another time was....

Right as I CAME during ORAL. I was pregnant. And mortified. I cried for a few minutes. Worst orgasm of my life.

Top THAT, ladies. ;-)

Such a funny post!!!
It didn't take long after we were dating for my (now) husband to let 'em rip in front of me. (He really wanted to light one for me too, somewhat of a pyrotechnic show... boys!) I think he wore me down, and we do everything (farting, pooping) in front of each other. However, if I had my choice, I prefer privacy for #2.

http://www.untitledlife.com/2005/08/24/female-poop-etiquette/

Earlier today, courtesy of www.blurbomat.com, I found lovely site above. Mrs. Blurbomat, www.dooce.com, has many an entry devoted to her constipation, but her blog is a must-read for many reasons besides that subject.

Funny, v. funny. When I saw the poll, I thought, gosh everyone must fart/ poop in front of their partner. I just never knew...and I thought I was pretty modest!!! I have no problem whatsoever in this department.

Wow. My hub is Japanese, and I`ve heard him fart only twice in 20 years. I often fart on purpose to amuse the children, and he gets very, very upset. I don`t know if he poops -- it`s quite possible he`s figured out a way to excrete through his pores, like a sloth, but the odd thing is, he doesn`t ever smell bad. Go figure.

I'm leaving this anon, since it's about my mom-in-law, but it's so funny, I couldn't pass up passing it on. She's so proud of her farts, she'll walk into a crowded room, say loudly, "you're attention, please! A moment of silence!" She'll fart, dramatically, then say "you may now continue," and leave. It'd be hysterical if it didn't smell so bad.

Wow, I went to church tonight and discussed mammograms and colonoscopies, come here and read about poo'ing and farts! My world is such a beautiful place!

Thanks for making me laugh!

It is a good thing not to fart in front of loved ones. But the charade can't be kept up forever, one dodgy curry, one ancient piece of chicken, and the veil comes down...
BTW, I forwarded your name/site to a local publisher, because you are desperate to have a moving book written about you, right?

I once was in an accident, face totally burned (luckily superficially, although within days layers of my face were peeling off) and had to stay at a guy friends home for the night. I had to have a BM!! I suffered 20 hours till I could get home and have the privacy to 'go'. Pathetic.

Once lived with a guy and finally learned the trick. If you have to have a BM, go and then have a shower with all sorts of lovely gels and lotions. By the time you get out the bathroom smells lovely ;)

But now I am happily married 13.5 years and my only requirement is that the door is locked and a if it is going to take some time, I 'courtesy flush'.

Pooping at work is difficult. I work in a residential setting and everyone knows who made the last trip to the bathroom. Good thing I am a regular gal, things like that usually taken care of at home in early morning. Right as rain ;)

Pooping. Who would have known it could be so personal? :)

Which leads me to an interesting question.. Why is it men spend at least 3x the time in the washroom, usually with reading material, than women? Is it just me? Since when did sitting on the toilet become a recreational event or is that just my husband having a breather?!

BTW my most embarassing 'bathroom' moment with a guy was when I was about 21. Was enjoying a lovely and divine soak in the tub, complete with wine and candles. Divine situation.
Problem was I had to pee BAD!!~! As time went on the urgency only increased and I had to make the choice. Haul my butt out of the bath and have him WATCH me pee or discreetly pee in the bathtub?

My gawd if ever there was something I regretted.. Yep, the water was soon yellow and BF asking if I had anything to do with it. Let's just chalk THAT one up as one of my most embarassing moments shall we?

@Melissa4444 - am lighting a candle for you today. and sending you many hugs.

Sheri - I'm with you on this one. Last night I farted in front of my poor husband for the first time. We had *just* finished having sex, he reaches down to kiss me, and... I was mortified. He had the decency to pretend not to notice. Same excuse as you - seven months pregnant.

Oh, your post made me laugh so much. So true.

I have always had "bathroom phobia." I try to avoid unfamiliar bathrooms at just about any cost. I have this irrational fear of clogs and blockages and whatnot.

Well, when I started dating BF, he lived in a typical bachelor pad. The mess, the crazy roommate, the whole bit. I wasn't too terribly uptight, except for the fact that... his bathroom door wouldn't close. Ever. Never closed completely, the wood was warped, so there was a always a slight crack of visibility at all times. Obviously, this caused me a great deal of anxiety. For obvious reasons.

It was bad enough to pee in that bathroom, but doing anything else (#2) was just unfathomable. I would wait until I got to the airport, or got home. All weekend! And I used to take Immodium (anti-diarrheal) to keep everything up in there as long as possible.

One Christmas, I stayed there for 10 days! I did the Immodium thing as much as I could, ended up with a horrible tummyache, and finally lost my #2 Virginity.

As for the farting, BF has always farted in front of me. I love him so much, I always think it is cute and funny and endearing. But me being me, I never wanted to do that in front of him. Eventually he started feeling bad and wanted m to feel as natural as possible. So now I do it quietly in front of him and say, "I just farted! Did you hear it?" To which he responds, No, and I say, well maybe you'll hear it next time. It's the elusive holy grail for him.

Relationships!!!! :) And thanks for the funny post! So true, so true.

Sheri, that is just wrong. I don't know if I could have looked DH in the eye again for quite some time if I actually farted in his face during oral. Hysterical though.

I farted once in the middle of sex. DH went limp within 10 seconds of the smell wafting up to his nostrils. Very, very embarssing.

As for pooping, T you better get ready for the toddler years. They ask the darndest questions, usually very loudly in a public bathroom no less. Things like 'Are you poopying Mom?', 'What color is it?', 'Can I see it?', 'Does it look like a big, LONG snake Momma?' They only ask these things in a loud voice if there are a minimum of half a dozen other women in the restroom at the time though. You can hear said women snickering outside the stall door as you contemplate just how long you can hide before you must come out.

Oh, and it doesn't make a bit of difference if you are pooping or not. They still ask these absurd questions as loud as possible for all the world to hear. So don't think avoiding #2 while out with the kids will save you.

I'll have to read the comments at home. I started laughing around the 3rd one and don't want to have to explain to office mates what is so funny.

Our bathroom has a separate potty room, we both close the potty room door for #2. Or course, I'm usually sitting on the counter doing my makeup when the urge to do #2 hits dh. He opens the door to talk to me, then shuts it back.

Ok - you're dh has never farted in the bed then pulled the covers over your head? Or he never caught a fart in his hand and through it toward your nose? Hopefully, Marko won't read this and get any ideas.

I don't go out of my way to fart in front of my husband, but I do when I need to. I'll do a lot for him, but I'm not willing to explode for him. If we're in a room with a door, I will try and open it and stick my butt out the door (only at home, I don't do this in public). I think I may have IBS, so I have my own set of issues with farting. And, I will say, they rarely stink, so it's mainly the noise. Now that my kids are getting older, I try not to fart in front of them. My husband likes to claim that he doesn't fart in front of me, but he does. His are silent, which I think is worse, because they sneak up on you.

As for using the bathroom, our first house only had one bathroom, so there were times when one of us had to pee in front of the other. After a while, the door just never was shut. Pooping is a bit different. My husband tries to close the door, but there are times that I just need in there. He has a strict rule, though, that no one watches him wipe. My pooping is a bit more open. With two kids and two dogs who follow me everywhere I go, I don't have much private time, even on the pot. One day I managed to get the kids to go away (they're 4), but one of the dogs was unwilling to leave. I guess that's better than nothing.

And then there's the monthly cycle that rolls around. I try real hard to have private time for that (from my kids, my husband usually runs the other direction), but one day my daughter walked up to me when I was in the middle of wipping. She insisted that I was bleeding and had an owie. She talked about that one for about a week before letting go of it.

Someone mentioned kids going to school and telling their friends what their parents do. One day my nephew and his friend were over, and his friend told me his mother farts. My first thought WASN'T "What a horrible mother", it was "Oh, then I'm normal."

Terita, I hope you can continue to have your privacy when your kids are older. I will say, though, that it's hard when you're out shopping and you have to go. I've never been to SA, but the public potties where I live are quite small, and even smaller with two kids (especially one who likes to stand behind the toilet so she can see all the action.)

Tertia, what a great post! Cracked me up. I was never that private about #2, though I didn't flaunt it. However, my husband is very shy in this way, and it's rubbed off on me somewhat. I certainly never go near the bathroom or try to talk to him when he's having a private moment. Thanks for sharing!

--Jen

My husband's family is very open about farting and burping, and so is my mom. (My late father hardly ever farted or burped in front of his wife and daughters, and the constant strain of the repression surely killed him.) My husband and I haven't stifled since the first weeks we were together. Everything's fair game. We're a family that can poop in front of one another, absolutely. No worries.

My dh says that the bathroom is the place to fart but occasionally I have heard him fart in the living room and bedroom. So, fair game - I try to stick to the bathroom but if I can't be bothered getting up I may just let rip and then if there are any complaints I will remind him about the time when he farted in the living room etc. I don't like to do a dump in front of him because of the smell but frequently do number ones in front of him. My mum and dad both used to fart aloud a lot when I was growing up and it became a kind of joke. My mum often used to do one long one quickly followed by a short one. I don't fart in front of friends unless a really close one. I remember one friend thought that farting showed a lack of respect for the other person.

That is absolutely going to be me and my partner if/when I get married. Separate bathrooms and/or loud music playing + a "safe area" when the time comes for a No. 2. I don't want to hear anybody else's bathroom noises, either.
It's funny because my parents are very wide open that way, will hold conversations on the toilet, etc. Maybe I just got No. 2'ed out at a young age.


I have a lovely college pal who let them rip all the time, to one of my roommates' horror. I thought it was funny, because I can be so immature. Her british granny trained her, with sayings such as "Better an empty house, than a bad tenant!"

I relish farting in front of the husband, because it distresses him so. And also for revenge -he does it to me so I must avenge myself.

I wouldn't do it in front of anyone else, though!

In the beginning, it was slow going. We were both very shy about pooping and farting (farting was avoided all together). Somewhere along the line, the floodgates broke (so to speak) and now there's no stopping us.

Farts are a celebrated ritual in our household, and we're training our 2-year-old daughter to follow suit. Whenever she lets one go, we'll giggle and shout "Ohhhh!!! Farty pants! farty pants!" Or we'll say "What was THAT?" and she'll go "Willow FAHTED!"

We've been known to wake each other up by farting so loud. I wanted to say that in your survey, but it wouldn't let me comment.

When I was dating my husband he farted in bed about two weeks after we met (yeah, I know- call me a tramp!). I thought it was so funny, I said that was how I knew it was true love. Because I laughed instead of kicking him out of my bed. We've been farting together for almost 10 years.
But pooping we do behind closed doors. He won't even talk to me through the closed door when he's pooping. It's like if his bowels are working, his ears aren't. Very annoying.

I gave up on the whole "hiding" it thing. Jason used to make me turn on the stereo in the living room while he went into the hall bathroom to shit. I used to throw the ball for the dogs so they would scare him while he was taking care of business.

On our first trip together, I had to pretend to take the LONGEST SHOWER EVER because we'd been together for a week straight and I hadn't gotten a chance to poop in private. Then I found out I had IBS, not I shit or poo whenever and wherever I need to.

Yea for poo talk!

This reminds me of an old saying...

Women don't fart.

Women don't burp.

Women don't sweat.

Women don't poop.

If we didn't bitch, we'd explode!

I agree Tertia.....this might possibly be your funniest post to date....HILARIOUS!!

Visions of you racing to your place to sit on the throne made me laugh hysterically. So sad you lived in shame for so long!!

As for Marko - he really doesn't fart in front of you?!?! AMAZING!! This is very fascinating for me, considering that hubbie has already taught our 2 yr-old to "pull his finger."

As for me - I must admit - I certainly won't poo in front of hubbie, but I will pee with him in the room. As for the poots....I let 'em rip like a man...

GREAT POST!!!

Had to comment on this one! Used to be very modest in front of DH, when we started dating I never let him know that I pooped and I certainly never farted in front of him. We even spent a week in Hawaii together (did the whole poop and shower thing). Then we spent a week in Ireland. Small rooms, lots of traveling, strange foods. I finally HAD to go and couldn't hide it. When I came out, he said he had to go and went in and closed the door. He came right back out and said "what did you do in there! Oh my G-d!" Then we both started laughing and haven't looked back since - he still likes to remind me of that fateful day. Still held off on the farting (although he did it in front of me all the time) til I was pregnant (about 2 years after we were married). Started doing it then because I couldn't help it. More laughter - he thought it was funny/cute and I felt liberated! I haven't held back since!! Now when I fart I usually pretend it didn't happen and deny it if he calls me on it (of course we both know it happened, but it's our joke). We always have, and still do, use the facilities with the door closed, but talking through the door is not a problem. My 18 mo. son does sometimes come in with me now. I'd prefer he didn't, but I don't like to close the door if no one else is home because I want to keep an eye on him.

My dh doesn't fart in front of me (he slipped once at a bad time, in a bad position) but I do in front of him. I'm just not shy about it. He is, though, and god forbid he'd have to go in a public restroom!

I stink, therefore I am.

I am proud of my farts and logs. I can clear a whole building, if I want.

And now you know more about my ass than you ever wanted to know.

Unfortunately, I am a noisy farter. I can control when I fart, but I am pretty much incapable of doing it silently. So, the rule in our relationship (my rule) is: "When I'm in the bathroom w/ the door closed, you do not hear anything other than a cry for help."

As the years have gone by, and I seem to have become more gassy, I have tried to extend the rule to other rooms in the house - i.e., if I am upstairs and he is downstairs, we both pretend he can't hear me farting merrily away. Except sometimes he doesn't pretend anymore. And I no longer really care. But I still try to maintain some decorum by not farting noisily in the same room as him.

Elimination is a private, door-closed affair for both of us. There is such a thing as too much sharing.

Heh. My husband is the one with the poo issues. When he has to poo, I'm banished to the other end of the house with all doors in between closed. He is steadfast in his insistance that he does NOT fart. He likes to think that I don't either. He doesn't even like to acknowledge that I do, in fact, poo. I indulge this fantasy as much as is convenient - but I will fart in bed if I know he's asleep. When one of us slips in front of each other, we both pretend that NOTHING HAPPENED. If it really can't be ignored...the cats get blamed. =)

My first serious bf and I had been dating for a few months (I was 19). He came halfway across the country to spend Thanksgiving with me and stayed a completed UNEXPECTED 2 wks. I didn't go for 2 wks. Yep, you heard me, 2 weeks. It was the worst 2 weeks of my life.

I dont fart infront of my bloke either! We recently had new carpets fitted and now the stupid bathroom door doesnt shut properly THE HORROR! I cannot go poo with him upstairs. I just can't. And sometimes I can't pee because I've been keeping a fart in and when I pee it might pop out and echo in the loo! Oh God. TMI. But I understand!

My boyfriend and I have recently moved in together and he has an "open door" policy when it comes to #1 (I'm coming around to the idea) and we both have a "closed door" policy when it comes to #2. We don't fart in front of each other either. Ever. How embarrassing. If I'm heading for the bathroom knowing it's going to be #2, I'll turn on loud music to mask the noises - boyfriend will as well. It's good to know others are the same way.

You are pretty anal for someone who bandies about the word asshole so liberally!
The fact that you can even say the word "fart" shows how far you've come. We don't say that word in my family either.

I'm surprised there are so many people who are so anal about their anal functions.

I'm totally blogging about this, Tertia! Thanks for the inspiration.

When I first started dating my husband we would NEVER fart or poop in front of each other. Then one night he gave me a really tight hug and squished one out of me. I don't think I've ever been so embaressed. Now that we're married its all the freakin' time! I'll be in the shower and he'll come in and poop...but I have yet to poop in front of him.

Ok, MUST comment on this one...farting is like a competition at our house. When we were first married, DH started it with farting in bed and holding the covers over my head. Then I decided to fight back. His best friend is over almost every weekend and I take pride in "outdoing" the guys. By outdoing, I mean louder and stinkier. We also regularly joke about "I just destroyed that bathroom - don't go in there". The worst is when I am in the shower and he poops in that bathroom. I am getting clean and he stinks up the room...and we have THREE bathrooms to choose from.
As far as the kid thing goes - mine are 8 and 9 and they only occasionally wander in the bathroom to chat when I am pooping. I only close the door if we have company. I usually ask them to leave, but when they were little, there were always there. Even the boys I babysit (3 yr old twins) sometimes pop in on me. I just figure everybody poops. Really, EVERYbody. Why be ashamed? And, honestly, isn't it kinda funny? Nothing like hearing a grown man gasp as he walks into a cloud that you produced....

DH and I also have the "closed door policy" for using the bathroom--no talking through the door, either. As someone said above, there's such a thing as too much sharing. IMO.

He will fart in front of me if he thinks he can get away with it--if a fart makes a noise he'll say "excuse me" but if it's silent, he pretends it didn't happen while I sit there with the smell making my hair curl. And then he gets embarrassed if I call him on it. One time we were driving in his car; I smelled a really noxious smell but didn't suspect him, so I innocently said "Ew, do you think someone's burning oil?" He sheepishly replied, "Erm...no...that was me." I practically fell out the window laughing; he was mortified.

I'm pretty sure I torture him in return by farting in my sleep, though.

I love this post and comments,this kind of stuff I find so funny. We're a farting couple, although the first time I farted in front of my now husband I was mortified. After we moved in together I unwittingly walked through a cloud of death with a long hang time. My husband tried to blame the dog. Since then we don't hold back and I've been the victim of a few dutch ovens.

God you make me laugh woman!
I think you need the new product that's out. It was on the Howard Stern show recently (i don't know if you know of that obnoxious jackass)
But this is supposed to make your poo not stink!
HA!
http://www.takeawhiff.com/

I note the use of the word "bathroom" here rather than toilet - we have a bathrooom with a shower, bath and basin but the dunny is a separte room altogether, although there is a dunny in our ensuite. If someone asked me where the bathroom was I would assume they wanted a shower not a crap!

I note the use of the word "bathroom" here rather than toilet - we have a bathrooom with a shower, bath and basin but the dunny is a separte room altogether, although there is a dunny in our ensuite. If someone asked me where the bathroom was I would assume they wanted a shower not a crap!

Tertia, how do you get nearly 100 comments on an entry about pooh? Now THAT'S talent. :-)

p.s., I'm just like you in the intestinal modesty arena. I think DH appreciates it--thinks it's "ladylike" and maybe it makes up a bit for my propensity to say the "F word" around the house a lot when I'm stressed.

So I'm not the only one! I went on a camping trip with my new boyfriend and his family when I was 15. Just imagine trying to poop in the woods when at any moment one of them could waltz by! So I just held it in for over a week. It wasn't as uncomfortable as one might think.

All of this input on this particular subject leads me to believe that poo/farts with partners is a HOT topic. Have you considered posing the question as to whether it's a "deal breaker"? I'd do it myself by I'm a rather unreliable blogger (too busy farting!) and don't have nearly the fanbase that you have!

I read half of these and think, "You can NOT be serious!" Husband and I fart, poop, etc. all the time, doors wide open. He does have a strict don't-watch-me-wipe policy, however.

Once in college, however, I was visiting a friend (who happened to be a guy that I sort of had a crush on) at his house. I was about to start the 3-hour drive back home, so I stopped at the bathroom on the way out, thinking I just had to pee. Um, no. Biggest dump EVER, and I was doing everything in my power to keep it as quiet as possible, as his whole FAMILY was in the next room (and this was before my IBS had been diagnosed, of course). After I finished, how horrified was I to find that I had CLOGGED THE TOILET and there was NO PLUNGER?! I had to flush three times, but it finally went down. I knew that if it hadn't, I would have either had to ask him for a plunger (NOT going to happen) or else never, ever talk to him again.

Awesome Topic!

When I first met my husband (in person, we met online), he came up to spend the weekend in Wisconsin with me. We were both crossing our fingers and hoping we'd hit it off perfectly and have a sexathon, but we weren't sure - and he certainly wasn't prepared to go a weekend without taking a dump! Me, I forget when/where I went that weekend, but I hold it in for no man! His tummy was so distressed from holding it in that he actually scared me into thinking he wasn't that into me after the second day.

He finally just told me why he was so miserable that night a few weeks ago. And yet ALWAYS WITH THE FARTING.

Melissa4444~
I am so sorry to hear about your loss.

Although I am currently single, I do have some v. dear, close, long-time girlfriends (and my sister) who i will go into a bathroom with (i.e. in a restaurant) and we pee in front of each other! (no #2 ever happens between us). When it comes to wipe time we just look away and go on talking and keep applying our lipstick like it isn't happening.
Don't the rest of you ladies also travel in packs to the restroom??????
Otherwise, am generally a "turn the sink on" type of gal unless we are VERY serious about each other.

**BTW... just visited Bee's site 10 more times ;)
hehehe!

A lurker here but I just had to comment on this one. I always thought I would be a personal pooer but that changed when I met DH and the FIRST TIME he gave me oral I let go of a massive fart. (I was holding in a poo, of 3 days and Im a morning and night girl)The amazing thing was he made fun of it for a few minutes and then kept going. I have never been more mortified in my entire life and still get mad at him 5 years later if he ever brings it up. And then on our honeymoon we went to Mexico and got the stomach bug, and were litterely fighting each other for the tiny little bathroom, since then theres been no going back to privacy - sometimes I wish our bathroom had a lock just so I could get a little down time. I love your blog T VV funny!

LOL

very hilarious.
being a free-pooper/free-farter myself, i've decided to never feel like i need to apologize for my regular bodily functions. which means i fart all the time. granted, i grew up with 2 v gassy brothers and a father who wouldn't even excuse himself when he let one rip.
so farting has always been a source of humour in my life.

in fact now, my partner marty is actually more anally retentive than i am! he doesn't like me being in the bathroom while he's peeing, whereas i couldn't care less vice versa. after living together for 5 years, he's just recently feeling okay farting when he needs to.

of course, all this said, i'm WAY smellier than he is. can't help it - it's in my genes! lol

i must thank you for your description of an anally-retentive poop/farter. i've always been haughty at people who are ashamed at their bodily functions, but you - YOU! - i respect and now understand the pain you/they must go through to keep it all hush-hush.
hilarious.
:)

93 Comments! That is great! Really this entry is funny. LOL!

LOL. Thanks for the laugh!! :)

farts are funny it's just a fact of life for us, as for poo'ing yup door open convo doesnt miss a beat, it's just all out there "at home"... but i will not poo in a public toilet or at anyones house unless it's a must do or explode affair,.

Holy shit this is funny! Holy shit - get it, huh huh do ya? I cannot believe the sheer number of people who allow themselves the incredible discomfort of holding in farts and shits. Dh and I are totally free with this and have been known to fart on each other - dh is the master dutch oven man and we do shit (please God don't make me say "poo" I hate that word!!) in front of each other but don't wipe with the other present.

I have IBS and here's my tried and true tested secrets for shitting/farting in public and getting away with it.

1. Toilet paper is not just for wiping your bum anymore ladies - it can also absorb great gusts coming from your asshole either by themselves or accompanying a massive shit. I take a wad of toilet paper and smother my asshole prior to farting or shitting and then let er rip.

2. If I have to shit in public, my toilet of choice is a gas station - all gas station toilets are singles so you don't have to worry about someone hitting the stall next to you. Granted gas station toilets are not always the cleanest, but when you have to shit and you have to shit NOW as I do, you don't get to be too picky.

3. All grocery stores have toilets and they aren't too shabby - not to mention no one thinks of shitting in a grocery store so they are frequently empty.

4. Lighting a match will get rid of the smell of a particularly foul shit/fart.

5. The better the restaurant, the more likely they will have soft music playing in the john to cover up any offensive sounds coming from you.

What a lovely topic! :)

Sheesh, some of you girls got serious issues.

I was raised pretty conservative as well, pooping was a private business and nobody talked about it, ever.
I wouldn't have wanted to talk about it, either - I never felt like I was missing out on anything.

And I think that parents shouldn't poop in front of their children - at least fathers shouldn't do it at all, and mothers only in front of their daughters, never their sons. Even if they're little.

But hiding your bodily functions from your lover is just weird - and hiding them even from your husband is plane insane. You FUCK together, for God's sake ! You LOVE each other, or at least did, once upon a time until you got married. There should be no place for shame between a man and his wife.

I love to watch my wife peeing, she even pees on my face whenever I feel like it, and I drink it when I'm thirsty.

And I don't mind watching her do "No.2" either, although I do not at all enjoy it the same way as I love her peeing. But I don't mind it. However, I am more comfortable pooping alone ... I don't want to do it in front of her. But if she wants to poop in front of me, that's fine with me.

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