It’s a boy!

Andi Buchanon, the author who wrote the absolutely wonderful book Mother Shock (loved that book, nodded my head throughout saying “yes. YES!”  has put together a new book entitled “It’s a boy: Women writers on raising sons”.  Read the introduction here.

As part of the launch of the book she has asked a few of us to participate in a virtual book tour by reading the book and doing a write up on our blog.

As the title suggests, the book is a collection of essays written by women on the issues around having a boy child. It’s fascinating stuff.

In her introduction to the book Andi raises some of the questions that I think about a lot:

I spoke and exchanged emails with other mothers and writers about mothering boys and girls, and I asked the following questions: Are there differences between mothering a son and mothering a daughter? Are the ideas we have about boys and girls based on real differences between them, or do our ideas about their differences inform their behavior? Do boys truly love their mothers differently? Are girls really “difficult”? Are boys really “easy”? Do these stereotypes about boy and girl babies change in toddlerhood? Adolescence?

Such interesting stuff, I love it!

The essays in It’s a Boy are grouped in four sections: “It’s a Boy,” which features tales of ambivalence, love, and newborn babies; “Will Boys Be Boys?,” which explores bullying, violence, and redemption, the otherness and the potential of boys; “The Velvet Underground,” which examines gender roles and what we expect from our sons; and “Shapeshifter,” which tackles the ever-changing nature of boyness and a mother’s role as her son grows.

As I said, it’s something that has been playing on my mind a lot. Having boy / girl twins is almost a mini science experiment in how issues play out. I wonder, do I mother my son differently to how I mother my daughter? Do I unconsciously confer gender-specific attributes on to my children with out even realizing it? Is Adam’s boisterousness because is a boy, or because I handle him rougher? Is Kate sweet and soft because she is a girl, or because I treat her that way.

Do mothers love their sons differently?

Are we ‘in love’ with our sons compared to ‘loving’ our daughters?

How much is nature, and how much is nurture?

And furthermore, what is our role in raising the future generation of men, of future husbands, future lovers, future fathers?

It’s a fascinating book, a wonderful book, a book written by single moms, by married moms, there’s an essay by a transsexual mom – such a diverse group of women, but all with a common thread – they are all mothers to sons. I’d be hard pressed to pick a favourite story out of the 30 odd essays, but perhaps the one that touched me most (I wept at its beauty) was the submission entitled “Pretty Baby”, it is achingly beautiful.

I could go on and on, but really, do yourself a favour, get this book – it is an absolute MUST READ for every mother of a son.

Well done Andi (and the rest of the authors), I can’t wait for “It’s a girl!” out early next year, I will definitely be reading that as well.

 

Comments

[Liz]

OMG, I'm totally buying her book. As I was reading the introduction, about the strangers' reaction of having a boy, I was nodding my head saying yes yes too.

When I was pregnant with my daughter, 2nd child. When I'm out on my own, people asked me about my pregnancy, the reaction was like I must be really disappointed of having a girl. Then after learning I already had an older boy, the attitude changed 100%. They go, oh you are so lucky, a boy and a gril. You are set. And all I wanted to do was to spit in their faces for being hiypocrites.

[Kathy]

I am, and have always been, fascinated by this topic. I majored in Elementary Education in college and we had numerous discussions regarding gender bias in toys, clothes, people's expectations, etc. Now, as a mom to 20mo. old fraternal twin sons, I am more bewildered. They are so different. Is it because of me? Because Drew was first and because he is so gregarious, do I expect him to be more tough? Carter has always been my snuggler. He is sensitive and observant. Am I softer with him? Could it be that I have somehow guided them to these roles? I don't think so, but I could be wrong. I feel like they came to me hard-wired for these personalities. I deliberately choose toys that are more gender neutral. I think I expect the same things (manner,etc.)of them as I would of a girl. However, they love to go outside with Daddy and dig in the rocks as opposed to doing anything with me. They totally worship him. Thank GOD I chose a fabulous father for them to emulate.

I am conscious of the issue, so I try to be balanced, but we also live in a big world and I can't control all of their input. I will definitely check out this book! Thanks, Tertia!
Kathy

[Jeanne]

There was an experiment done a number of years ago, where they took a male child and dressed the child either in masculine or feminine clothing. The experimenters then put the child in a room with adults who did not know him. The adults treated the child differently, depending on what the child was wearing. It didn't matter that the child acted exactly the same way in a dress or in jeans, it was all about what sex the adult perceived the child to be.

So, if it was experimentally proven, I'm sure that this same reaction is going on in homes all over the world... Of course, I'm guessing that not many parents put dresses on their little boys...

[Jessy]

I'll add another experiment, one that doesn't require parents to cross-dress their children to see the direct connections. Observers watched an infant's reaction to a jack-in-the-box pop up. When they thought the baby was a girl, they said the emotion expressed was 'fear.' When they thought the infant was a boy, they said the emotion expressed was 'excitement.' People then react, of course, in turn to what they think the child is feeling - comforting a girl who is 'scared' and being rough-and-tumble with a boy who is excited.

You ask 'I wonder, do I mother my son differently to how I mother my daughter? Do I unconsciously confer gender-specific attributes on to my children with out even realizing it?' As the Jeanne said, I'm sure it's going on all over, and the answer is 'of course you do'. I notice you dress Kate in pink and Adam in blue a lot, and I bet that this reinforces their gender, and affects how you, Rose, and Marko treat them. (In fact, the study above would be good evidence that it probably does.) I’m curious - for the parents on the board who do dress their girls in pink, and/or their boys in blue – why do you do this?

This isn't to discount the role of innate gender differences, but to the extent someone wants to eliminate gender stereotyping as much as possible, the place to look is where our expectations, behavior, and attitudes create and/ or exacerbate them.

[Gina]

I dress my son in blue and would never put him in pink. However, my daughter wears pink AND blue. I will also put "boys" clothes on her. I have some adorable hand me downs from her brother that were just too cute not to have another child wear. Baseball outfits from our favorite team, some t-shirts and even a few pairs of his jeans. I think they are really more gender neutral than boys anyway.

I still would not put my son in ruffles or in pink.

As for treating them different my son was first and was held just as much or even more than my daugter. He is 4 and still gets tons of hugs and kisses. I have been told that I still "baby" him by my MIL which I think she means that I ask him if he is ok rather than assume he is ok when he falls that sort of thing.

My daughter is just as rough and tumble as my son but in a different more cautious way. My daughter is definately more whiney in that "just like a girl" way. I absolutely did not foster this.

I personally do think there are innate differences in girls and boys. I also don't see anything wrong with treating them as they need to be treated.

[Kay]

My single goal in life is to raise the only male in the universe that does not smack his food when he chews. He's 3 now, and we have a long way to go. Is there a book on this?

We dressed my son in "boy" clothes - nothing too frilly or feminine. He's a rough little thing, so it would be silly to me to see him in a Kelly's Kids romper, when he's acting like a jeans and t-shirt kid.

My 6 day old daughter has frilly pink things. But she's also got some darker colors, like red, blue, as well as sports-related items. I think it's easier to dress a girl like a boy than it is to dress a boy like a girl.

I was a tomboy - and loved it.

[Cyl]

I can only go by what I know: I love my sons differently than my daughter. Not better, just different. I had only sisters and didn't understand this fierce love MIL had for her sons; then I had two.

[Faith]

I can't really comment on sons. I have a daughter, and a girl is exactly what my dh and I wanted. But regarding loving or being "in love" with sons-- I have to say I am "in love" with my daughter. I don't know how right or wrong or normal that is, but I get a chemical reaction from being around her. I think it's cause it took 15 years to get her....plus, she's just too cute. I think my friend is "in love" with her son, too.

[Nopenname]

My daughter has had pretty equal amounts of "boy toys" and "girl toys" growing up so far. Trucks and match box cars, a dumptruck for her first birthday, a make believe tool set so she could be like daddy with his tools (since hubby does hard wood flooring). BUT she's also VERY EARLY taken to girly things.

I'm a tomboy of sorts. I've never EVER worn makeup, I had pierced ears but let them close up, I wear Jeans and tees EVERY SINGLE DAY and own like one black dress that is my everythng "fancy" dress. I usually have to buy new dress shoes because I don't have a pair when the time comes to actually NEED them.

That being said, I ALSO don't carry a purse. I have a wallet (a mens leather wallet) in my pocket of my jeans, and that's it. I keep a wellstocked trunk of wipes, extra clothes (since the 2yo is potty trained). But no purse. But I'll be damned if my daughter at 1 year old took a shine to a sparkly purple purse her aunt bought her (bought all the girl cousins one) and cocked that thing on her elbow and carried it around all day.

I DO think we probably treat them different, dressing them different, etc. BUT I believe a lot of it is also hard wired in. My husband hates sports...ALL OF THEM...with a passion. Couldn't be bored more with watching baseball or football...and yet he is a Total "guy". Just not in some of the stereotypical ways we think of guys...but working with his hands, big, burly, scruffy... all guy.

[Amy]

It is a fascinating topic. I have one of each, and they are very different, personality-wise. My daughter has always been very mellow, while my son is much more active, and people always tell me: well, that's just the difference between boys and girls. But I'm not convinced it is, really, It could just as easily be the difference in their personality--or the difference because one is the oldest and one is the youngest. All these things factor into it, and it's our job as parents to celebrate all the parts of our kids. My son loves to wear his sister's hair barrettes and I have no problem with that. My daughter wears a lot of his hand-me-downs with trucks or whatnot on them. My kids are still young (32 months and 16months) so we'll see how it goes as they grow.

[Rayne of Terror]

I look forward to reading the book. I dress my son in whatever family and friends have purchased for him, so it includes a lot of blue. When I buy clothing for him I try to pick reds, oranges, and neutrals to counter all the blue. He's a powerhouse of a baby, but I know it's not because he's a boy. Friends of ours have a 4 y/o who we called bruiser when she was the age Henry is now. She bowled over all the babies at daycare and was the same kind of powerhouse baby that Henry is.

[cassandra]

NONE! I refuse to 'marry' ANY of your poll described men. I am too divine for any of them ;) So I shall stay with my tall, dark, handsome, muscular Firefighter husband who cooks, cleans and does laundry better than I! He is the father of my 3 much loved children and in the sack he is a master, just gets better with every year (we're on 14 years of marriage now).

(Sorry, feeling extremely lucky these days too :)

[Judy]

Wow, I can't wait to get my hands on this book! I definitely believe I was meant to be a boy-mom. My niece drives me NUTS.

[DoctorMama]

I had this weird hallucination-type thing when my baby was small and I would wake up at night to nurse him: he seemed like a girl to me. I can't describe it any better than that, but he seemed female, and that seemed very different.

[Bethan Kelsey]

I always wanted daughter, I have two sisters and one brother and I always perceived that my Mother had a special bond with her son. Us sisters would be there for her on a daily basis, but if she got a awkward hug from him it meant more.
This made me fear somehow this special love, and now I have three sons! In some ways I think that this is better than having one of each, as I am less likely asign gender specific roles to them